Qonzilqointec: Vampire Princess of the Aztecs

Qonzilqointec and Dia de los Muertos

2011-11-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

It was Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead) festival celebrations in Mexico on this November 2nd (also known as All Souls Day on the Church calendar).

And the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had spent the day celebrating.

And now tonight she was still celebrating.

As she wore a beautiful long white dress and stood atop an ancient Aztec sacrificial pyramid.

In her hand, she held a sharp dark obsidian knife.

She held it over a 7-year-old girl named Catrina who also was dressed in a long white dress and tied to the sacrificial altar atop the pyramid.

Catrina was the daughter of a wealthy executive of one of North America's biggest telephone companies.

The wealthy executive had agreed to allow Qonzilqointec to sacrifice his child in exchange for 20 years of massive hyper-profits for his company in the coming New World Order which was to be instituted in the year 2012 according to Qonzilqointec.

Qonzilqointec sang a hymn to her spiritual godfather the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl and then brought the knife down on the child.

She cut open the girl and then ripped the child's still beating human heart from her body.

Qonzilqointec baptised the crowd below the pyramid with the blood from the girl's heart.

Most of the blood fell on the head of the executive of the powerful North American telephone company.

The man smiled and supernatural dollar signs suddenly appeared in the pupils of the man's eyes,

"To the coming Singularity," Qonzilqointec shouted as she proudly held the still beating heart in her hands.

"To the coming Singularity," the crowd intoned in a mantra like chant of conformist uniformity.

To be continued.

When In Rome Do As The Werewolves Do

2011-10-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

At the door of Set's colossal London mansion, Renfield was signing for an extremely long package from Purolator courier.

"What's inside?" Amadeus asked while eating a chocolate eclair.

"The body of the Were-Zomb-ire," Renfield replied as he opened it.

"It's dead again?" Amadeus wiped some chocolate off his mouth.

"Yes, it got electrocuted yesterday after it tripped over a black cat and fell into a large fount of Holy Water in the Vatican garden," Renfield answered.

"I wonder how it got to Rome?" Amadeus reached into a box and helped himself to his 25th chocolate eclair of the day.

"Moloch the demon took possession of its body and then used the creature's bat wings to fly to Rome," Renfield answered.

"Wow," Amadeus looked at the body of the Were-Zomb-ire in the very long box, "when Purolator says they can deliver anything, they really mean it."

"Of course they do," Renfield laughed, "how do you think I manage to get the products grown on my cocaine field in Colombia past U.S. customs."

"Really?" Amadeus momentarily stopped eating his 25th chocolate eclair of the day.

"Really," Renfield nodded.

"Wow," Amadeus continued eating his 25th chocolate eclair of the day.

"So I wonder what the poor demon Moloch will do since his host body of the Were-Zomb-ire has died?" Renfield started to read the Last Rites from the Necronomicon over the creature's body.

* * *

Welsh Labour MP Magog Rhys Petley was in Rome on a mission for the British government.

He was to meet a representative of the Libyan Transitional Council in Rome and sign an agreement with the new Libyan government.

Rhys Petley was also a werewolf- a malady he suffered from ever since he was bitten by the demon Rahu many months ago.

This particular variation of the lycanthropy gene he received through the bite could turn him into a werewolf at any time- not only during the full moon.

While sitting in a cybercafe in Rome and watching a YouTube video of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec (who looked a lot like Salma Hayek) in a low-cut red evening dress administering a bare-bottom spanking to vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who lay across her lap, Magog Rhys Petley felt himself becoming sexually aroused.

He also felt himself turning into a werewolf.

After he turned into a werewolf which seemed to empty the cybercafe for some reason sending patrons screaming out into the street, Magog also felt some strange alien force trying to take possession of his body.

To be continued.

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec Rising

2011-10-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

The vampire Lev Tomi looked outside his office in the UN building in New York City.

In his mortal life, he had been the Marxist revolutionary Leon Trotsky.

He had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City on August 21st, 1940 a day after an attack by a Stalinist agent who tried to assassinate him with an ice pick.

Failure to be turned into a vampire would have resulted in his death.

Although his death was publicly announced to the world so that his enemy Josef Stalin would no longer bother him.

Today Lev Tomi was the Head of the UN Secretariat on The Environment and Climate Change.

He was also directing the Occupy Wall Street protests throughout the world on behalf of his boss the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec.

His mind went back to a conversation he had had with then Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev back in the late 1980s.

"In order for global Communism to triumph," he had told Gorbachev, "global capitalism must triumph first. Only when extreme laissez-faire capitalism reigns everywhere on the globe will the peoples of the world realize what an inhuman system it is and will rush to willingly embrace global Communism."

At Tomi's suggestion, Gorbachev let Central and Eastern Europe go, allowed for the dismantling of the Berlin Wall and the reunification of Germany and even allowed the dissolution of the Soviet Union itself.

By the year 2000, it had looked like global capitalism had triumphed.

By the autumn of 2008, global capitalism had shown the world its inhuman face and continued to show the world its inhuman face ever since.

Now the Arab Spring, the anti-austerity bill riots in Greece and the Occupy Wall Street protests in cities all over the world would pave the way for the triumph of global Communism.

Although it is ironic Tomi reflected to himself that the coming One World Marxist-Leninist government would be headed by the exiled (currently living in exile on Saturn's moon Titan) Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing read the quote from Leon Trotsky in the rare book store he was in, "Let there be formed a United States of Europe. When the United States of Europe is formed, then the United States of the World shall arise. And global Communism will triumph."

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec appeared before him in a red evening dress and licked her fangs and then leaned over showing her ample bosom and whispered delicately in his ear, "Tenga cuidado..."

To be continued.

Princess Qonzilqointec In The Desert

2011-07-25T15:06:00.000-07:00

With special sunblock specially designed and invented for her delicate vampiric skin, the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was able to stand outside at high noon in the desert without disintegrating like the U.S. economy might if an agreement is not reached on the U.S. debt ceiling soon.

Princess Qonzilqointec Fashion Model

2011-05-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec models in an ad.

Princess Qonzilqointec In Jerusalem

2011-04-22T15:32:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Jerusalem where she's just eaten a Big Mac (a sturdy Scotsman named MacDonald) for her Good Friday dinner.

Princess Qonzilqointec In Rome

2011-04-19T18:15:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec in Rome April 19th 2011 on this the 6th Anniversary of the papal coronation of Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger as Pope Benedict XVI.

Qonzilqointec and The Comet

2011-03-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was on her ranch in the desert hills.

A ranch where the night sky was not blinded by the bright lights or the smog of Mexico City where she lived in her penthouse apartment.

Here on her ranch was her own astronomical observatory where she observed the stars and the planets and awaited the return of her spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl from Saturn's moon Titan in the year 2012.

On this early March evening, as she stood in a regal gold evening dress and serpent emblazoned golden spiked stiletto high-heels, she observed the solar system in her liquid mercury reflecting telescope.

She remarked to her valet Javier, "Do you see this comet that's approaching Earth, Javier?".

"I do, your Highness," Javier bowed, "I do not recall hearing or reading about such a comet in the news."

"That's because, Javier," Qonzilqointec smiled and flashed her white glistening vampiric fangs, "this observatory of mine is the only astronomical observatory in the world that can see this comet approach."

The comet grew closer and closer to Earth with each passing second.

To be continued.

Isis and Dracul and Qonzilqointec

2011-03-09T18:36:00.000-08:00

Isis and Dracul and Qonzilqointec

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing lay in his bed in his Paris hotel room.

Suddenly a mysterious and powerful breeze blew open the shuttered windows of his hotel room.

And then flying in through the windows in a lovely red dress was the Egyptian vampiress Isis.

"Dracul, darling," she embraced the vampire hunter on his bed and then took him over her knee and spanked him.

She then made wild passionate love to him.

And then she said, "The winds of change are blowing over the world more fiercely than at any point in its previous history."

And then she flew out the window.

The shutters mysteriously shut behind her.

"Well, that certainly felt great," Dracul thought to himself.

Just then another powerful breeze blew open the window.

And this time the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec flew in through the window.

She too was wearing a lovely red dress.

"Dracul, my dearest," she ran to embrace him.

Then she too took the naked Dracul over her knee and spanked him.

Then she also made wild passionate love to him.

Finally she kissed him passionately on the lips (as Isis had done before) and said, "The winds of change are blowing over the world more fiercely than at any point in its previous history."

Dracul was beginning to develop a sense of deja vu about the whole experience.

Qonzilqointec flew out the window.

The shutters mysteriously shut behind her.

And so Dracul Van Helsing vampire hunter, cum laude graduate in Philosophy and geopolitical analyst lay in bed and drifted into a deep and pleasant sleep.

Outside in the Paris night sky, the stars in the constellation Orion's belt seemed to shine more brightly than ever.

To be continued.

Stake In The Heart on Saint Matthias' Day

2011-02-24T19:40:00.000-08:00

Rex Saturn had lived a long time.

He had been born in Los Angeles back in 1900.

He became a part of LA's beginning film industry back in 1921.

He had worked as an actor in both silent and talkies (never any big parts) throughout the '20s and '30s.

Then starting in 1942, he went behind the scenes as an anonymous financial backer for various movies.

No one knew where his money had come from.

The truth was he had become a vampire back on February 24th 1942- 69 years ago tonight- in Los Angeles.

He had been turned into a vampire by the Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec.

She had made him an offer- immortality for becoming her tool in the Hollywood film industry.

And now 69 years later- he had come to the conclusion that immortality wasn't all that it was cracked up to be- at least living a vampiric existence of immortality anyways.

And so Rex Saturn stood there this evening looking at the white picket fence of a quaint little house in Los Angeles.

He had never lived in a quaint little house with a white picket fence.

When he was poor, he had always lived in apartments.

When he became rich, he always lived in mansions.

Anyways one of the posts of the white picket fence made for a nice wooden stake.

He jumped out of a tree and impaled himself on the post.

His body then immediately disintegrated as its vampiric blood left it.

* * *

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dining in an exclusive restaurant in downtown Los Angeles.

She wore a pale green evening dress, a diamond tiara and a diamond necklace.

She sat there waiting for Rex Saturn to show up.

She was to meet him this evening and they were to discuss plans on what Hollywood productions she would be financing over the next year.

She noticed her chauffeur approach.

Why was Rex not with him?

"Your Highness," the chauffeur bowed, "I have some bad news. As I was driving to go pick up Mr. Saturn, I noticed he deliberately jumped out of a tree and impaled himself on a white picket fence. He's now nothing but dust."

"That traitor," the vampiress banged her pale green gloved fist on the table, "after all I did for him too."

* * *

In a tent just outside the Libyan capital of Tripoli, British MP Magog Rhys Petley was waiting to meet Libyan leader Col. Muammar Gaddafi.

He was ushered into the tent just as Col. Gaddafi was trying to strike with his fists at a giant beating human heart suspended in mid-air just in front of him.

"Art thou not fatal vision sensible to feeling as to sight?" Col. Gaddafi addressed the heart just before it disappeared.

Magog Rhys Petley thought to himself that this was the worst performance of Macbeth that he had ever seen.

* * *

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec thought to herself that this was the best performance of Macbeth that she had ever seen.

She had dropped into an amateur theatre company's playhouse near the boundaries of North Hollywood to see if she could find a young actor to replace the now deceased Rex Saturn.

And she had found him.

She smiled.

And delicately licked her vampiric fangs.

She was going to make this young man an offer he couldn't refuse.

To be continued.

Nicht and Night At The Kremlin

2010-12-20T19:08:00.000-08:00

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin was inside the lab of FSB scientist Dr. Nicht Werhoffen (who had been a research scientist for the East German Stasi secret intelligence service until the Fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989).

Dr. Werhoffen had just developed a new genetically modified virus.

This virus was capable when it was injected into a human of entering the bloodstream and then eventually attacking the human brain literally turning the person so infected into a virtual zombie.

"Imagine that, Mr. Prime Minister," Dr. Werhoffen smiled, "turning Mother Russia's enemies into zombies like the plots of so many bad western horror movies."

"This is indeed a major achievement," Prime Minister Putin had to admit.

"So you'd like me to continue working on this project?" Dr. Werhoffen asked.

"By all means," Prime Minister Putin smiled.

The Prime Minister returned to the Kremlin where he once again practiced the song that was making him a superstar sensation on YouTube, "I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill..."

The phone rang.

"Hello," the Prime Minister picked up the receiver.

"Hello," said a sexy, sensuous and sultry voice.

It was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

"I'm just phoning to wish you a Merry Christmas," Qonzilqointec's voice dripped like honey over the phone.

"Feliz Navidad," Putin said in his most impeccable Spanish.

Qonzilqointec answered back, "Feliz Navidad. Gracias."

Putin then told Her Imperial Highness about the breakthrough of one of his scientists in developing a virus that had the power to turn people into virtual zombies.

"Imagine that," Putin chuckled, "a virus that can turn people into virtual zombies."

"I always knew they'd find a replacement for television someday," Qonzilqointec answered.

To be continued.

Of Qonzilqointec and Super Soldiers

2010-12-01T19:05:00.000-08:00

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was attending a cocktail party in New York City in an exclusive Fifth Avenue penthouse.

She wore a green velvety evening dress and a diamond necklace.

She briefly glanced at her cell phone where she had received a text message from Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

She typed the words DO IT NOW in reply.

She glanced across the room and noticed the former Apollo astronaut who seemed to be the center of attention in a little group of admirers gathered around him.

They seemed to hover on his every word as he described what it was like to walk on the Moon and to view Planet Earth from the Moon.

He was then asked whether he had ever seen any aliens while he was up there.

Princess Qonzilqointec walked half-way across the room in his direction and then just stood there looking at him.

The former Apollo astronaut gazed in her direction and then without stopping to answer the question about aliens walked over to her.

They went off together to a quiet little corner of the penthouse where they talked together in very hushed tones.

* * *

Meanwhile in a quiet room on the upper floors of the Westminster Parliament in the shadow of Big Ben, a powerful but little known Parliamentary Committee was meeting.

The committee was a joint House of Commons/House of Lords Select Committee on Intelligence and Defense.

Addressing the committee was none other than Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage for the multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

"So," Renfield continued his briefing, "we need to understand that DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Project Agency) in the United States of America and similar organizations throughout other industrialized nations are beginning a new arms race- the race to create the Super Soldier. This Super Soldier will be a "Human 2.0" to express it in terms of modern computer speak. What is referred to in Research and Development circles as GRIN (Genetics, Robotics, (artificial) Intelligence and Nano-Technology) will be used to create the perfect super human.
This Super Human soldier army of the future will have the following characteristics- hive mentality, superhuman strength, unbelievable agility and unsurpassed accelerated healing abilities."

"Good God," said Lord Tweedsmuir the House of Lords co-chairman of the committee, "this sounds like James Cameron's sci-fi TV series Dark Angel has come to pass."

Renfield nodded, "James Cameron is indeed a prophet. And those nations that do not get aboard the GRIN bandwagon to create a Super Soldier will find themselves going down like the Titanic."

"And," added Amadeus Emanon who had been brought along to serve as Renfield's secretary, "if one of these super soldiers with accelerated healing abilities gets shot, he'll be able to sing along with Celine Dion... My heart will go on and on..."

To be continued.

North Korean Attack and The Rumblings of Powers and Principalities

2010-11-23T19:17:00.000-08:00

The Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant and his Saint Bernard dog Samson met Dracul Van Helsing in a Parisienne sidewalk cafe.

Crazy Pierre's was one of the few Parisienne sidewalk cafes that was open as an outdoor sidewalk cafe in Paris in late November.

"So," Brother Jim whimpered slightly as he froze his nuts off in his monk's robes , "Hyung isn't with you in Paris?".

"No," Dracul shook his head, "she flew home to South Korea as soon as she heard today's news that North Korea had attacked South Korea's Yeonpyeong Island killing 2 soldiers, destroying civilian homes and wounding both civilians and soldiers."

"An extremely dangerous situation," Brother Jim remarked as he sipped his hot chocolate.

"Very dangerous," Dracul agreed.

* * *

Kim Jong-un (the designated heir to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il) was holding a meeting with the famous South African witch doctor Sterling Makabo.

"So," Kim Jong-un asked, "My one million man zombie army that you have raised from the dead is now ready?".

"Yes, Your Excellency," Sterling Makabo nodded.

"Good," Kim smiled, "if the glorious People's Democratic Republic of Korea is forced to get into a war with the U.S., Japan and the imposter government that oversees the southern half of my peninsula, I'll have an army that is already dead but still able to fight."

"That is correct," Sterling Makabo smiled as he ate the delicious pork dish that lay in front of him.

"I heard reports that you raised the artist Vincent Van Gogh temporarily from the dead last week," Kim helped himself to a steaming dish of vegetables.

"Yes," Makabo ate a pig's foot, "I got the zombie Vincent to cut off his other ear and then I mailed it to Charles Prince of Wales."

"For what purpose?" Kim asked.

"His Highness never paid me for bringing back his banana tree from the dead," Sterling answered.

* * *

Amadeus Emanon was having dinner with the vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont (who hailed from New Orleans, Louisiana) in a posh London restaurant.

"Nice to see the annoying Renfield isn't with us this evening," Angelique smiled as she smoothed her dress.

"No, he's currently in America teaching seminars to TSA airport security guards on the proper way to pat down and grope airline passengers who are getting ready for the Thanksgiving long weekend," Amadeus replied.

"Renfield is?" Angelique blinked, "And what is he using for teaching aids as he gives these seminars?".

"Every hard-core porno movie that he can find," Amadeus replied.

* * *

It was an exclusive bank in Geneva, Switzerland that kept evening hours for its rich clients.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was there making a withdrawal from his personal safety deposit box.

Behind him he heard a swishing and a rustling of skirts.

He turned and there was the vampiress who was both his sister and his sister-in-law-
Isis.

"So getting out some safety assets I see?" Isis looked at him.

Set decided to say nothing but turned again to the bank clerk.

Isis looked at him with an amused expression and decided to test him, "So I suppose that means you too know what is really happening in Korea?".

Set paused, turn around, and looked at her in shock, "You know what's really going on?".

"What's going on is setting the stage for the return of our brother and my beloved husband, Osiris," Isis smiled at him.

* * *

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec: Close Encounters of the Vampiress Kind

2010-11-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

The boy was about 10 years old.

He walked across the school field from the school to his home.

But it wasn't day.

It was night.

Although the boy did attend classes at the school during the day, this night from 7:30 to 9:30 PM there was an extramural Chess Club for Chess enthusiasts that ran.

So the boy attended the Chess Club.

He held his Chess set tightly in hand as he walked across the school field.

He was half way home.

It was then that he saw the bright light.

It hovered above him- this silver disk.

The boy froze.

Or at least he thought he froze.

For he couldn't move.

Then the disk seemed to open.

And a white staircase emerged from the disk.

Down the staircase walked the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life.

She wore a long red evening dress with black frills around her waist and elbows. He caught a glimpse of shimmering black silk pantyhose and noticed she wore vigourously polished and sparkling shiny red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Then she smiled at him.

Her teeth were glistening snowy icy white and she had huge incisors in her mouth like he recalled seeing on those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing that he loved so well.

The top of her dress was extremely low cut and she showed ample breasts and bosom and cleavage as did those vampiresses in those old British Hammer Studios horror movies with Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing- one of the reasons he loved those movies so well.

She picked the boy up and carried him up the staircase.

Then she took the boy's clothes off and bathed him in the most antiseptic looking bathtub he had ever seen in his life.

Then she towelled him dry.

Then she took the boy to a couch underneath a huge spotlight.

She sat down on the couch, took the boy over her knee and then spanked him hard and vigourously for what seemed hours.

* * *

The boy woke up.

He was in bed.

It must have been a dream.

He looked out the window and noticed a bright light leaving his back yard.

As the bright light flew farther away, it gave the appearance of being a silver disk- much like those old UFO flying saucers he recalled seeing in old 1950s sci-fi movies he'd watch on Saturday afternoon cinemas on TV.

He also felt an extremely warm and burning hot (although extremely pleasant for some reason) sensation on his back side.

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing stood on the top floor of the observatory and gazed through the telescope.

His acquaintance and friend the Jesuit astronomer Father Jose Santeiros asked him, "Do you see what I see?".

The way the Jesuit astronomer worded the question reminded him of the lyrics from that old Christmas children's carol The Little Drummer Boy, "Do you see what I see?".

"Yes, you've found an ET, Father Jose," Dracul nodded, "a real live ET on Saturn's moon Titan."

"It's a strange looking creature," Father Santeiros remarked.

"A feathered serpent," Dracul replied, "a snake with wings."

"Indeed, that's what it looks like," Father Santeiros nodded.

"It's the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl," Dracul answered, "I was there when the Egyptian vampiress Isis and the Greek vampiress Athena cast a magical spell sending it back to Saturn's moon Titan."

"What?" Father Santeiros looked incredulous.

"Yes," Dracul nodded, "the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had ripped out my still beating heart on top of an Mexican Aztec pyramid in a human sacrifice to bring him back to Earth from Titan where he had been apparently exiled back in December, 1531. She succeeded in bringing the old snake back but Isis and Athena arrived, put my heart back in place and then sent Quetzalcoatl back to Titan."

"Why would Isis and Athena want Quetzalcoatl back on Titan?" Father Santeiros asked.

"Isis doesn't want any competition from any other gods when her husband/lover/brother Osiris returns to Earth in 2012," Dracul smiled, "ditto for Athena whose father Zeus has emerged again in the world in this year of 2010.".

"He has?" Father Santeiros didn't know whether to believe Dracul or not, "but won't Zeus and Osiris fight one another for control of the earth?".

"Oh, probably," Dracul ate an apple, "but at least they won't have another rival to contend with. Although Quetzalcoatl is supposed to return in the year 2012 as well according to some. Which would make it a 3 deity contest for control of the Earth anyway."

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing walked back to his car from the observatory.

It was then that he noticed the bright light in the sky.

The bright light became a silver disk.

And from the disk a white stairway.

Down the stairway emerged the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in a low cut red evening dress with black frills around the waist and elbows, black silk pantyhose and red spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

"Dracul Van Helsing," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled with her sparkling white teeth and vampiric incisors.

"Your Highness," Dracul bowed.

"So that priest has spotted my spiritual godfather Quetzalcoatl through his telescope," Qonzilqointec said, "is he now going to tell the world?."

"Not yet," Dracul replied.

"Good," Qonzilqointec smiled, "so I won't have to kill him."

"Like you did me atop that pyramid 5 years ago," Dracul noted.

"I held your heart in my hands," Qonzilqointec stepped towards him, "and then Isis and Athena came along and ruined everything."

"For my sake, I'm glad they did," Dracul smiled.

"I suppose you remember that first meeting of ours," Qonzilqointec laughed, "where I ripped out your still beating heart with my high priestess black obsidian knife and held it in my hands."

"That wasn't our first meeting," Dracul said.

"What do you mean that wasn't our first meeting?" Qonzilqointec sputtered, "when had we met before then?".

"Don't you remember?" Dracul smiled, "I was a boy about 10 years old and walking back across the school field from my Chess Club meeting and you came down in your Tesla prototype flying saucer which I see you still have and picked me up?".

"You remember that?" Qonzilqointec gasped.

"LIke it was yesterday," Dracul answered.

* * *

To be continued.

The above is the 1st chapter of the 2nd book of my Vampire Hunter trilogy.

Qonzilqointec, James Cameron and Quentin Tarantino

2010-09-05T23:15:00.000-07:00

James Cameron the director of Titanic and Avatar was sitting in his office reading a magazine.

"I can't believe it," Cameron threw down the magazine, "some people are claiming I got the plot for Avatar from the Disney cartoon Pocahontas. Where did they ever get that idea?."

Cameron's secretary approaches him, "Mr. Cameron, Dracul Van Helsing wants you to direct a TV commercial he's writing."

"A fellow Canadian and the noted vampire hunter," Cameron blinked, "where he would he get the money to afford me?".

"From the Aztec vampire princess Qonqilqointec," his secretary answered, "she'll pay you $500 million."

"All right," Cameron agreed.

"You're going to have a co-director for the commercial," his secretary said.

"Really?" Cameron blinked again, "who will that be?".

* * *

Quentin Tarantino the director of Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill was sitting in his office reading a magazine.

"I can't believe it," Tarantino threw down the magazine, "some people are claiming there's too much violence in my movies. Where did they ever get that idea?".

Tarantino's secretary approaches him, "Mr. Tarantino, Dracul Van Helsing wants you to direct a TV commercial he's writing."

"Dracul Van Helsing the noted Canadian vampire hunter," Tarantino blinked, "where would he get the money to afford me?".

"From the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec," his secretary answered, "she'll pay you $500 million."

"All right," Tarantino agreed.

"You're going to have a co-director for the commercial," his secretary said, "James Cameron."

* * *

"I just hope that too many chefs don't spoil the soup," Amadeus Emanon said as he threw the lobster into the pot.

"You just threw the psychic lobster Michelangelo into the pot," Renfield shouted, "get it out. Set Laboratories spent a fortune developing his psychic abilities."

Amadeus grabbed some prongs and removed the lobster and put him under cold water.

* * *

Examining the computer attuned to Michelangelo's thoughts, Dr. Cadbury Rocher looked in shock at the screen, "What an outburst of profanity from Michelangelo."

* * *

In the exclusive hotel room penthouse suite in New York City, the bell boy opened the door of the room.

And there seated on the sofa was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in an exquisite black evening dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

Across her lap was the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who was being spanked on the bare bottom by the Aztec vampiress Qonzilqointec wielding a sturdy leather paddle.

On the radio, the voice of Larry King could be heard, "Our guest tonight is Anne Rice who will be discussing the unusual ways in which vampire novelists and writers in general are inspired to write their works."

To be continued.

Werewolf TV Commercial

2010-09-03T21:34:00.000-07:00

"So, Boss," Renfield smiled, "you'll be doing a commercial for the new Qonzilqointec Electric Car."

"This is wonderful news," Set answered as he fed on a crocodile.

"Is that still alive?" Amadeus asked when he noticed the crocodile seemed to be snapping before going down the throat of the multi-billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire.

"The master likes his crocodiles very very rare," Athelstan the valet and gentleman's gentleman to Set answered.

* * *

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing were in a hot tub together.

"So, any ideas for a commercial?" Qonzilqointec asked with her incisors sparkling as her head rose up out of the water.

"My, what sharp teeth you have," Dracul answered, "and yes, an idea for a commercial has come to me."

On the radio, Josh Groban could be heard singing the Don McLean lyrics, "Starry, starry night..."

* * *

With the full moon rising in the background, the werewolf looked at the camera and said, "So you're out on a hot date, you're about to get lucky with the girl of your dreams and she says..."

Girl In Red Dress: Darling isn't it a lovely full moon tonight?

Werewolf: And you say...

Boy (rising quickly out of the front seat of the convertible overlooking Lover's Lane): Oh, Jesus, a full moon...

(Girl in red dress screams as the boy turns into a werewolf)

Werewolf: Now you may have difficulty explaining to your loved one the sudden appearance of a full 5 o' clock shadow at midnight on a moonlit night so don't even try... Instead reach for your Gillette shaving cream and Gillette razor and start shaving away...

Boy (after shaving): See darling, your big bad wolf is just a college boy in sheep's clothing (for I'm wearing a wool sweater) after all...

Girl in Red Dress: Oh, Henry... (she throws him to the seat and mounts him)...

Announcer: Gillette, the best a man (or a werewolf) can get...

* * *

Qonzilqointec: I can't believe Gillette turned down your idea for a commercial...

Dracul Van Helsing: Neither can I....

To be continued.

Princess Qonzilqointec In New York City

2010-09-01T22:31:00.001-07:00

Midnight. New York City. Down by the waterfront.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec seems out of place in her pale green evening dress, jade necklace and cobalt blue spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

A drunken sailor approaches her, "Excuse me but aren't you Salma Hayek?".

The royal personage Aztec vampiress bit the sailor on the jugular vein of his neck and drank all his blood and then threw his lifeless body to the ground, "No, I've just been told that I look like her."

As she looked down at the blood drained dead drunken sailor, she felt a queaziness in her stomach and said aloud to herself, "I should really stop eating junk food."

A policeman approached her, "Excuse me but I'm an Arizona state trooper on an exchange program with the NYPD and I demand to see some ID to prove to me you're not an illegal immigrant."

The Aztec vampire princess grabbed the policeman with her powerful arms and literally broke his neck.

"I'd love to see what you'd do to Glenn Beck if he was in the vicinity," a voice spoke to her out of the darkness.

"Christopher Dracul Van Helsing," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled a warm vampiric smile with her teeth and her incisors as she recognized the voice.

"Your Highness," the vampire hunter kissed her pale green gloved hand.

"I'm sorry about the death of your father," she hugged him.

"Thanks," Dracul hugged her back, "it's been hard."

"Being a vampiress, I don't think about such things," she looked into his eyes, "but there's always the possibility that a well-done stake could do me in."

"Or even a medium rare stake," Dracul answered.

"Indeed," the vampire princess laughed.

"So why have you asked to see me?" Dracul inquired.

"Well when I'm not busy planning a Marxist revolution with the likes of Venezuela's Hugo Chavez, the President of Ecuador, the President of Peru and the most likely future President of Brazil, the capitalist side of me likes to engage in investments," Qonzilqointec's red painted fingernails touched her jade necklace.

"Investments were never my field," Dracul answered, "I was a Philosophy major in my Undergrad years."

"But I seek advice about vampires," she said.

"A vampiress is asking me for advice about vampires," Dracul smiled.

"The thing is I've invested in a company that will make electric cars using a new long-lasting lithium battery," Qonzilqointec answered, "and I'm looking for a spokesman to do commercials for them. And I see in various tabloid newspapers throughout the world the vampire Set's chief of security Renfield R. Renfield is advertising that his boss would like to do TV commercials. I was wondering if you'd think Set would make a good spokesman for my product."

"Well I've never actually met the Vampire Set," Dracul confessed, "I've only run into a couple of his employees Renfield and also Amadeus Emanon. I believe you've met Set. What are your impressions?".

"He's one nasty individual," Qonzilqointec answered, "but I don't know if he could sell a car."

"Often it's nasty individuals who do sell cars," Dracul said, "along with mythical little old ladies from Pasadena who only drove the car once a week to church on Sundays."

Qonzilqointec smiled, "You're right, Dracul. And I understand you spent a year as an ad writer for an advertising agency. I want you to write the commercial."

To be continued.

Cinco de Mayo

2009-05-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in happier days on the penthouse balcony of her Mexico City skyscraper apartment building overlooking the city

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec in happier days in her red evening dress- this photo taken atop an Aztec sacrificial pyramid

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dressed in an exquisitely beautiful scarlet red evening dress with elegant black ruffled sleeves on her shoulders and classy black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes on her feet.

She was looking out the top floor window from one of Mexico City's highest skyscrapers.

She gazed down sadly at the not so crowded streets of Mexico City.

Today the Cinco de Mayo (5th of May which commemorated the victory of Mexican forces over the French soldiers of Napoleon III at the Battle of Puebla on May 5th, 1862) usually saw the streets of Mexico City overflowing with happy singing and dancing people. But in the wake of the swine flu outbreak (or to use its more politically correct name- H1N1 A Virus- the virus formerly known as swine flu), not many had ventured out even though Mexican public health authorities had said the worst of the outbreak was now over.

Qonzilqointec sighed as she thought of previous festive Cinco de Mayo celebrations.

Where in the evenings after the sun had set, she too would be dancing in the streets with her people.

But that had changed because of H1N1 A Virus- the virus formerly known as swine flu.

On the radio, Prince the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince could be heard singing the song lyrics, "Let's party like it's 1999."

Qonzilqointec asked her maid Luiza to go turn off the radio as she thought it was inappropriate given the circumstances.

Qonzilqointec watched as the young and pretty Luiza in her tight fitting maid dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stilettos bent over to turn off the radio dial.

Qonzilqointec had been having strange thoughts about Luiza for over a year now ever since she had heard Katy Perry sing those haunting lyrics "I kissed a girl and I liked it" at an evening concert that the Aztec vampire princess had attended.

She picked up her mobile phone and called Dracul Van Helsing.

Even though she was a vampiress and he Dracul Van Helsing was a vampire hunter, they had had several one night stands together.

They talked for several minutes.

Then Qonzilqointec shrieked in ecstasy and put the phone down.

She ran to take a shower.

When she came back, the phone was ringing again.

"Again?" she thought.

Her water bills had been extremely high last month.

But to her disappointment, it was just former Cuban President President Fidel Castro calling her to discuss Latin American politics.

"So," Qonzilqointec held her towel tightly around her dripping breasts, "is your brother Raul going to enact the reforms that United States President Barack Obama has suggested?"

Fidel choked on his cigar at the other end of the phone and retorted, "When pigs fly..."

Princess Qonzilqointec looked out the window and noticed a huge pig with large bat-like wings and large pointed vampiric incisors protruding out of its mouth flying straight towards her window.

In the offices of Coast To Coast AM Radio host George Noory, one of his assistants remarked to the well-known host of the program dedicated to discussing the paranormal, "Gee, this is a really weird letter even by the standards of mail we usually get. This person is claiming that the recent swine flu virus that has broken out in Mexico is caused by a pig who's a vampire and can fly."

Back in the top floor skyscraper penthouse in Mexico City, Princess Qonzilqointec had seen many strange things in her short 500-year-life as a vampiress but this strange sight of the boar with vampiric incisors larger than his tusks caused her to scream.

And not in ecstasy.

To be continued.

In happier days, practically anybody could crash Mexico City's Cinco de Mayo party celebrations

Nero Wilson

2009-02-12T19:33:00.000-08:00

The Obama Inauguration had come and gone.

Osiris had appeared to Barack Obama in the Oval Office that night of the Inauguration.

Shapeshifting into a hamster, Renfield R. Renfield had planted a minature tape recorder in the Oval Office to record the conversation.

But after retrieving the tape and then leaving his room temporarily to make himself a tuna fish and mermaid sandwich, he returned to find that Amadeus Emanon had pushed the wrong button and had a gap of silence on the tape far longer than Nixon's famed 17 1/2 minute gap on one of his White House tape recordings.

As for the vampiress Sekhmet, she was kidnapped by Isis and forced fed a diet of ancient Egyptian beer mixed with Mott's Clamato juice which finally cured her of her Set-induced hypnotic blood lust.

Suffering severe memory loss as a result of her hangover, Sekhmet wandered the streets of Cleveland, Ohio wondering how she got there.

She passed a group of ice fishermen who were sworn at by their neighbours who shouted at them, "How does it feel to be an idiot?".

Apparently the men had managed to get themselves caught on an ice floe on Lake Erie which led to an expensive rescue operation.

She noticed an ice cream and malt shop on a street corner and decided to go inside.

She ordered a tiger's eye milkshake and sat down at the counter.

"I can't believe it," said a man sitting next to her.

"What?" she asked the man.

"Well," explained the man, "I'm a high school principal and the student who's given me the most trouble this year is named Nero Wilson. And I discovered at Parent-Teacher Interview tonight that his sleazily dressed mother who thinks her son can do no wrong- it turns out she's actually named Agrippina."

"Agrippina and Nero," Sekhmet laughed, "History repeats itself."

"I'm glad you get my historical analogy," the principal smiled, "not too many people would get that."

"I actually met both Agrippina and Nero," said Sekhmet whose memory was now starting to return at mention of the names Nero and Agrippina.

"Uh huh," the principal looked at her wearily, "ok- kaaa- yyy!"

He hastily paid his bill and left.

The principal had left behind a set of notes he had jotted down.

They were dealing with Nero Wilson. Apparently the kid was actually a good violinist (like the original Nero) and intended to start his own rock band with himself as lead electrical violinist (unlike the original Nero but probably only because there were no electrical violins in those days).

Sekhmet finished her tiger's eye milkshake and then paid her bill.

Her memory of American currency had now returned to her as well.

"The economic stimulus bill could actually surpass $2 trillion if you look at the small print..." a voice on the radio intoned, "does Congress know what they're doing?".

Sekhmet walked down the street and into a residential neighbourhood.

Outside the garage of a house, she encountered what appeared to be a 17-year-old boy crying,

The boy was heavyset with dark curly hair and wore glasses.

He was crying over spilled milk and played the violin as he did.

"Are you Nero Wilson?" she asked noting the resemblance of the boy to the Nero Wilson described in the principal's notes that she read at the soda counter of the malt shop.

"Yes," the boy snivelled, "how did you know?".

"Lucky guess," she smiled at him, "why are you crying?".

"I knocked this glass of milk over, I can't find a lead singer for my band Nero Wilson and the New Romans, and my mother wants me to be Mayor of Cleveland when I grow up," the boy whimpered uncontrollably.

"Well, I can't help you about your first problem," Sekhmet smiled, "nor your third. But I can help you with your second. I can sing."

"Can you?" Nero Wilson stopped snivelling.

He thought to himself, Wow, a hot-looking chick like this who could sing. It would do wonders for his band not to mention his bedtime masturbatory fantasies.

"Would you be willing to join my band and be our lead singer?" Nero Wilson asked.

"Yes," Sekhmet nodded.

"YES!" Nero Wilson jumped up in the air.

"Nero," a shrill female voice screamed from the back yard, "what are you doing?".

Mrs. Agrippina Wilson was practising for her Cleveland Polar Bears Club swim by doing the back stroke in her outdoor swimming pool which was quickly icing up in the frigid temperatures.

On the Public Radio station she was listening to, former Vice-President Al Gore spoke of the dangers of global warming.

"Mother," Nero Wilson spat the word out like Anthony Perkins in the Alfred Hitchcock movie Psycho.

"The Earth is our mother," Al Gore waxed enthusiastically to his listeners.

"You need to get away from your mother," Sekhmet spoke in a matter-of-fact fashion.

"Are you talking to me or Al Gore?" Nero asked.

To be continued.

Anushka Arundathi

2009-01-18T18:11:00.000-08:00

This was a room in the Lincoln Memorial that Dracul Van Helsing couldn't recall having seen before and on the throne in the middle of the room sat the Hindu vampiress Anushka Arundathi.

"Greetings, Van Helsing," Anushka smiled.

"Anushka Arundathi," Dracul acknowledged, "I've heard of you. What brings you from India to Washington D.C.?".

"I'm here for Barack Obama's Inauguration," Anushka replied, "Like everyone else."

"Yes, millions of people are here for the Inauguration," Dracul stated, "and there seem to be thousands of vampires here as well."

"There were," Anushka smiled, "but you and Hyung Grace Kwan have killed a number of them off."

"Only those vampiric Undead who don't show the proper respect and etiquette towards mortals," Dracul held to his Crossbow.

"Yes," Anushka smiled, "I also understand vampiresses who are incredibly sexy don't have to worry about being slain by you either."

"Well..." Dracul couldn't think of anything to say.

"The cat (woman) got your tongue," Anushka laughed.

"The cat (woman) got your tongue?"

"The cat woman didn't get my tongue," said Dracul, "but she got dozens of others including National Enquirer reporter
Floyd Hardscotch."

"Yes, I've heard Sekhmet's on the warpath again," Anushka stood up.

"Yes, I wonder what's gotten into her?" Dracul pondered the question.

"Well, nothing's gotten into me for quite a while," Anushka sighed.

"That seems a pity," Dracul went over and kissed her passionately on the lips.

Soon Dracul Van Helsing vampire hunter and Anushka Arundathi vampiress were making love on the floor of the Lincoln Memorial while outside on the steps country singer Garth Brooks sang for the Obama pre-Inauguration concert, "But then I'd have missed the dance..."

Once again the face of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set materialized in the house where the shapeshifting lioness vampiress of ancient Egypt Sekhmet was staying and there under Set's hypnotic spell, he ordered her to walk the streets of D.C. again in search of blood.

Isis In Washington D.C.

2009-01-17T17:46:00.000-08:00

There sitting in his hotel room was the Egyptian vampiress Isis.

Dracul Van Helsing was glad the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan wasn't here.

She'd be ticked to know that a vampiress was in the hotel room.

Fortunately for Dracul, South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan was riding in the Inaugural train with the party of U.S. President-elect Barack Obama. She was insuring that the Abe Lincoln Presidential Express train wasn't attacked by vampires.

"Hello Dracul," Isis smiled.

"Hello Isis," Dracul replied, "Long time no see."

"I suppose you know Sekhmet's in town," Isis flung back her hair.

"Yes, I saw her last night," Dracul nodded, "and unfortunately for National Enquirer reporter Floyd Hardscotch, he saw her as well."

"Hardscotch was an ass and he paid the price," Isis shrugged.

"Dick Cheney better watch out if Sekhmet's going after asses then," Dracul noted.

Isis laughed.

Then she crossed her legs, "So are you going after Sekhmet then?".

She glanced in the direction of Dracul Van Helsing's crossbow that fired Holy Water blessed silver arrows.

"Sekhmet seems to be on a bloodlust hunt," Dracul said, "and vampire hunters are sworn to protect mortals from the vampiric Undead."

"But Sekhmet is a friend of mine," Isis frowned.

"I know," Dracul replied, "that's why I didn't fire an arrow at her last night."

"I hear one of your arrows accidently shot Episcopal Bishop Vicki Gene Robinson in the butt," Isis laughed.

"Yes, he was screaming about a pain in the ass and a burning sensation," Dracul recalled, "probably the first time His Episcopal Fruitiness complained about having a pain and a burning sensation in the ass. I'd be inclined to think he'd usually enjoy that sort of thing."

"It was probably the Holy Water that got to him," Isis said, "he probably couldn't stand that."

"Yes, Holy Water and a prayer invoking Jesus' Name seems to give the bishop an agony he doesn't really enjoy," Dracul agreed.

"So you're going after Sekhmet?" Isis asked again.

"Well, if you can stop her from further attacks, I won't," Dracul sat down in a chair across from Isis, "why are there so many Egyptian deities in town anyway?".

"Osiris will be visiting the day of the Inauguration," Isis answered.

"Really, I thought the planetary conjunctions you Egyptian ancients follow didn't allow for his coming to Earth again until 2012," Dracul was surprised at this bit of news.

The Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl wasn't returning until 2012 as well.

That's why there was a battle going on between Isis and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

Isis wanted herself and her husband Osiris to rule the one world government that was prophecied for the year 2012 while Princess Qonzilqointec wanted herself and her stepfather Quetzalcoatl to rule the world.

The vampire Osiris was currently confined by celestial forces to the star Sirius while Quetzalcoatl was confined to Saturn's moon Titan.

"What will Osiris be doing in Washington D.C. at Obama's Inauguration?" Dracul asked.

"That's between Osiris and myself," Isis smiled.

"I imagine your evil brother also brother-in-law being one and the same entity, Set is also in town," Dracul walked over to the window and closed it.

The window came down on the fingers of Renfield R. Renfield the evil shapeshifting hamster who was Chief of Security and Intelligence for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Renfield let out a piercing scream and fell off the ledge.

He landed on the balcony below where Amadeus Emanon the genetically cloned (cloned from the DNA of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Charles Manson and British actor Alan Rickman) personal concert pianist to Set was having an ice cream cone.

"Did you find out what you were looking for?" Amadeus licked a falling snowflake off the ice cream.

"Isis is here and so is Sekhmet," Renfield answered.

"What about Osiris?" Amadeus engulfed the ice cream as the wind blew snow around him, "I think Boss wanted to know when Osiris is coming."

"He'll be right here on Inauguration Day," Renfield grinned wickedly.

Meanwhile in the hotel room above Renfield and Amadeus, with plenty of time to kill, Isis made out with Dracul Van Helsing.

After making love to Dracul Van Helsing, Isis then went and performed at one of the weekend gala concerts in Washington D.C. in honour of Barack Obama's Inauguration.

Sekhmet In Washington DC

2009-01-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

"I must go, Dracul Van Helsing."

With those words, the mysterious woman vanished.

Dracul Van Helsing the world famous vampire hunter was out walking the streets of Washington DC to clear the streets of the city of vampires prior to Barack Obama's Inauguration next Tuesday.

Dracul Van Helsing had noticed the mysterious woman sitting there on the park bench.

When he approached her, she vanished.

"Good evening, Mr. Van Helsing," he heard a voice behind him.

He turned.

It was Floyd Hardscotch a reporter for the National Enquirer.

"Looking for more vampire pictures, Floyd?" Dracul asked.

"Of course," Floyd grinned, "although I'm looking even more for signs of a lion-headed woman said to be walking the streets of Washington DC."

"Lion-headed woman?" Dracul wondered if Hardscotch had been into the hard scotch.

"Yes," Hardscotch nodded, "there are reports that a beautiful woman walks the streets of Washington and when men seek to go to bed with her, she accepts. But when they get into the bedroom, she turns into a lion and rips their heads off and then sucks their blood."

"Intriguing," Dracul said.

He now knew who the woman on the park bench was.

He recognized her as the shape-shifting Egyptian vampiress Sekhmet who had been worshipped as a lion-headed goddess by the ancient Egyptians.

"Well, you better be careful then," Dracul took his crossbow and his Holy Water dipped silver arrows and continued walking down the street.

Floyd Hardscotch returned to his hotel room.

As he entered, he was pleased to discover the young girl he had picked up in the hotel lounge earlier that night was still waiting for him.

How like a cat she looked, Floyd Hardscotch thought.

Due to the excessive party atmosphere in the hotel as people celebrated the upcoming Obama Inauguration, no one heard
Floyd Hardscotch's screams.

Communist Vampires In Washington DC

2009-01-15T17:42:00.000-08:00

Lev Tomi, secretary-general of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change was in Washington D.C.

Ready for the inauguration of U.S. President-elect Barack Obama.

Tomi (who in his unvampiric mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) was aware there were other Communist vampires in Washington D.C. for the Obama inaugural.

That is until he received a message on his cell phone that they had just been knocked off by Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec advised Tomi to immediately leave town so he did.

Tomi turned into a bat and took off.

He flew past the Lincoln memorial where New Hampshire's sodomite Episcopalian Bishop Vicki Gene Robinson was busy praying to the Canaanite demon god Moloch.

Saddleback pastor Rick Warren (who had been dubbed by World Trivia champion Jack Morrow as Brokeback pastor) was explaining to a Muslim how Christ and Buddha were one and the same entity.

Dracul Van Helsing who was aware of the pagan apostates gathering in Washington D.C. knew these people were more dangerous than Communist vampires.

However it was illegal to kill mortals so these apostates moved about unmolested by vampire hunters and vampire hunteresses.

South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan had dyed her hair blonde for the Barack Obama Inauguration.

Tila Tequila Looking Lovely

2008-10-17T19:34:00.000-07:00

Tila Tequila looking hot in lilac

Tila Tequila looking hot in black

Ditto!

The epitome of loveliness

Dracul Van Helsing For President

2008-09-16T15:26:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec decided to start a draft movement to elect an Independent the noted vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing (who was her boyfriend) to be the next President of the United States.

Tila Tequila At Los Angeles Nightclub

2008-08-05T19:45:00.000-07:00

Tila Tequila at a Los Angeles nightclub

Lakhlita Dhapour

2008-07-23T13:39:00.000-07:00

Here are some photographs of India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour:

The Crystal Skulls

2008-07-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar looked at the map on the wall of all the California wildfires.

Sighed Arnie, "I should have paid the Hindu goddess Kali the one billion dollars she asked for not to start burning the state of California with wind and fire. But I didn't believe her. Since she's a Hindu goddess, why does she need a billion dollars?".

The Governor of Californi-ay then opened his mail.

The first was a large package.

When he opened the package, Arnie gasped.

Inside was a crystal skull.

* * *

The Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury was sitting in his office talking to a Crystal Skull.

The Crystal Skull was a gift from a fellow Druid (and fellow Church of England clergyman).

ArchDruid Williams was surprised to discover that the skull could talk.

The skull mentioned to ArchDruid Williams that there never had been an historical Jesus. Belief in the existence of Jesus of Nazareth was a concept that had been planted in human minds by aliens from outer space.

ArchDruid Williams had heard recently that Church of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard had once said the same thing on a tape recording he made exactly 40 years ago this year.

The statement from the Crystal Skull meant that Hubbard was right, Rowan Williams made the epistemological deduction in his mind.

ArchDruid Williams picked up the phone and dialed the number of Hollywood actor Tom Cruise.

* * *

Oprah Winfrey opened up the box and took out a crystal skull.

"Oh fount of all wisdom," Oprah spoke to the crystal skull, "what hairspray should I use today?".

"VO3," the skull suggested.

"But there is no VO3 hairspray," Oprah responded.

"VO4," the crystal skull suggested again.

"But there is no VO4 hairspray," Oprah shook her head.

"VO5," the skull suggested in an exasperated voice.

"There is an Alberto VO5 hairspray," Oprah smiled like a woman having an orgasm, "You really are the fount of all wisdom."

* * *

To be continued.

Warehouse Rock

2008-06-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

Announcer: And now, welcome back to the CHAOS-TV Channel 66 News with Jock Borrow and Nicole Oronto...

Nicole: Thanks Chuck. Well Jock (turning to her co-anchor): We're still getting a lot of phone calls about last night's entertainment story, the Crossbow Archery Tournament at The Warehouse Nightclub...

Jock: Yes, it seems to be one of the hottest stories we've done recently... (drops coins on the floor and gets down to pick them up and then tries to look up Nicole's skirt)...

Nicole (stabbing Jock's hand with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes): Let's review some of the highlights of that story...

(Image of the Mongolian vampire Ghenghis the Gargantuan appears on the screen)

Ghenghis the Gargantuan: I'm going to win this archery tournament. Nobody can fire a crossbow farther and faster than me...

(Image of the masked heavy metal singer Diablos Nocturna appears on the screen)

Diablos Nocturna: Let the games begin...

(Harry Woo is called to the center of the stage. He is told to turn around and bend over and on the backside of his pants, someone has painted an archery target)

Nicole: And of course the tournament turned out to be a draw between Ghenghis the Gargantuan from Mongolia and Diablos Nocturna the masked heavy metal singer from God knows where.

Jock (in agony on the floor): Which means there will be a second tournament this weekend.

Nicole: So walk on and rock on down to the Warehouse this weekend. Like the song says, "When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go- downtown..."

The Crossbow Tournament

2008-06-16T20:27:00.000-07:00

Esmerelda Velaquez worked for CHAOS-TV Channel 66 in Los Angeles.

It was meant to be a music and culture and entertainment channel for the City of Los Angeles.

It had been bought a couple of months before by a mysterious London based Egyptian billionaire who only went by the mysterious single name SET.

One of Set's right-hand men a Mr. Renfield R. Renfield had been flying to LA from London every few days to oversee the transition to the new management.

He had shown up today wearing bandages all over- he looked like he was auditioning for a part in the new Mummy movie.

Rumour had it that Mr. Renfield had been attacked by a group of mermaids on a Copenhagen beach.

Esmerelda laughed out loud.

Anyhow Esmerelda had been assigned as CHAOS-TV's roving reporter to cover a crossbow archery tournament tonight of all things.

Her assignment had been given her by CHAOS-TV's new programming director Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell.

Mr. Campbell had started at the station a week ago.

No one was sure what Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell's qualifications to work in TV station management were.

He had been an unsuccessful candidate for the US Democratic Presidential nomination and before that had been the Vice-President of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products.

Prior to that he had been a hairdresser.

Esmerelda approached going into Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell's office with some degree of trepidation.

For Esmerelda was highly allergic to cats and Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell always had his pet Siamese cat Oysterella sitting on his lap at all times.

Esmerelda knocked on the door and since she heard a voice, she assumed that she had been summoned in.

"Well Lakhlita, tell Dracul that so far I've seen no personal communique from Set himself," Heathcliff wiped his brow with his pink handkerchief, "the only contact I've had with that unpleasant individual is having the misfortune of sitting through meetings with his right-hand man Renfield R. Renfield. Although he didn't say much today because he was bandaged up like Claude Rains was when he was the Invisible Man being visible. Right, will keep you informed."

Esmerelda stood there smoothing her gray skirt until Heathcliff got off the phone.

"Esmerelda darling," Heathcliff addressed her as the reporter suddenly started sneezing, "Bless you. Your assignment tonight is to cover a crossbow archery tournament at The Warehouse."

The Warehouse was a former warehouse which had recently been converted into a night club in downtown Los Angeles.

"A crossbow archery tournament?" Esmerelda smiled between sneezes, "that's certainly different."

"CHAOS-TV Channel 66- the station that dares to be different," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell repeated the TV station's slogan as he adjusted his Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Griffindor House tie, "and I understand that someone claiming to be a Mongolian vampire named Ghenghis is going to be there. Although he says he's not the great Khan himself."

"No, he's another type of con," Esmerelda made a pun.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell laughed while Oysterella guffawed.

"And there's going to be a heavy metal singer present," Heathcliff shared an oyster with Oysterella, "named Diablos Nocturna. Ever hear of him?".

Esmerelda gasped.

She had met the mysterious Diablos Nocturna once at a night club in New Mexico almost a year ago.

Back then, he had been singing alone.

Now, he was the lead singer in a metal band called The Dark Knights of Dante's Inferno.

Her cell phone went off just as Esmerelda was about to.

It was a text message from an unknown sender.

The message said "Think of me" which was also the name of a song sung by the character of Christine in The Phantom of the Opera.

The message was accompanied by a photo of the Phantom and Christine:

"Think of me..."

To be continued.

Renfield And The Little Mermaid

2008-06-09T19:09:00.000-07:00

BBC News Announcer: In the news today, Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the prestigious London-based Set Enterprises was found tied to the rock on which the Little Mermaid sits near the city of Copenhagen. When Renfield was rescued by the Danish coast guard, he was heard to say, "Curse you Amadeus..."

Amadeus snickered as he ate potato chips and French Onion chip dip while watching television in the sitting room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London home.

Just then there was a knock at the front door.

Still eating from his bag of potato chips, Amadeus went and answered the door.

A man stood there in episcopal robes, "I am His Eminence Rowan Williams the Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury..."

Amadeus slammed the door.

He went back to the sitting room and continued to watch television.

More knocking at the door.

This time Athelstan who was the billionaire vampire Set's personal valet and butler answered the door.

"I'm ArchDruid Williams," said the exasperated man, "I have an appointment to see Mr. Set."

"This way, sir," Athelstan directed the ArchDruid, "the Master is sitting in the library."

The ArchDruid followed Athelstan into the library.

Minutes later, Amadeus picked up what appeared to be a remote control and pressed a button.

But it was obviously not the TV remote control as the channel continued to be BBC News and showed Renfield being attacked on the Copenhagen beach by real live mermaids.

Suddenly screaming could be heard coming from the library.

It was the voices of both the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury shrieking in sheer terror.

"Great heavens," Athelstan opened the door, "a Crucifix seems to have come down from the ceiling."

Amadeus chuckled as he dipped another potato chip into the chip dip.

To be continued.

Godzilla Mayasaki's Dream Comes True

2008-06-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Hindu Goddess Kali disguised as a Hollywood blonde started a fire on the Universal Studios movie set.

Japanese film director Godzilla Mayasaki and his secretary watched as the Universal Films Studios burned.

India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour rode to the rescue

Almost a month ago Japanese movie director Godzilla Mayasaki who now lived and worked in Hollywood had had a dream.

No it wasn't a dream like Martin Luther King's where the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners lived together in peace and harmony.

It was a dream where the multipled armed Hindu goddess Kali had bleached her hair peroxide blonde and was running around strangling everybody on the Universal Studios set where Mayasaki was trying to shoot a film.

Now of course the dream wasn't totally prophetic.

For example on that Sunday, June 1st, 2008 the multiple armed Hindu goddess Kali had indeed bleached her hair peroxide blonde but she wasn't strangling anyone. Instead she started a fire on the set.

The Hindu Goddess Kali as a peroxide blonde started a fire on the set where Godzilla Mayasaki was shooting a movie for Universal Studios.

There was another partial prophetic aspect to the dream.

There was strangling on the set but it wasn't being done by Kali.

It was being done by Godzilla Mayasaki.

And it was being done to one Harry Woo.

Harry informed everyone after a total day's shooting that he had apparently forgotten to put film in the camera.

Godzilla's strangling of Harry Woo was ultimately postponed by the fire of Kali breaking out on the set- a day that Harry's boss at Health Canada described as "a day that shall live in infamy".

Godzilla Mayasaki and his peroxide redheaded Cambodian-American secretary from Fresno, California watch the set to The Armenian Phrenologist vs. Jack The Ripper go up in flames.

In the meantime, Harry Woo had stumbled across the movie set's arsonist the Hindu vampiress Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction and was asking annoying questions like "Oh, how many arms do you have anyways?" and "oh, you tell me- I can't count that high" and "oh, how much do you spend a month on underarm deodorant anyways?".

The Hindu vampiress Kali was just about to strangle Harry Woo herself when India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour rode to the rescue.

Lakhlita Dhapour rides to the rescue

Renfield Meets Kali

2008-05-26T18:08:00.000-07:00

As Dracul Van Helsing explained to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the havoc that the Hindu vampiress Kali was wreaking upon America, Renfield the shapeshifting hamster was meeting with Kali in downtown Los Angeles.

"So," Renfield helped himself to his plate of curried salmon and mermaid, "this is delicious. I'm glad you were able to find an Indian restaurant that served curried mermaid. I always wanted to try it."

As the news on the TV set in the restaurant mentioned the two tornadoes that had recently hit southern California, Kali smiled.

For she (who was worshipped as the Hindu goddess of death and destruction) was responsible for those two tornadoes that had hit southern California. Not to mention the numerous tornadoes that were hitting the US this year. Not to mention the recent cyclone that had hit Burma.

"So," Kali smiled, "I understand your employer's pick to be the next President of the United States sort of fizzled at the ballot box."

"Yes," Renfield nodded as he bit into a curried mermaid eyeball, "just like Firefighters For Kerry went down the drain in 2004, so Hairdressers 4 Dionysus ran out of hairspray in '08."

"And I understand the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec is still trying to draft Al Gore," Kali laughed.

"Yes and the Greek vampiress Hecate who was the ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft as well as the three hags on the Scottish heath who inspired Lord and Lady Macbeth and the black magic resurrected Gorgon Medusa had all thrown their broomsticks and their cracked mirrors behind Hillary Rodham Clinton. But despite the unlikely coalition of feminists and Homer Simpsons (unwashed uncouth beer guzzling belly scratching belching white American blue collared workers), this wasn't enough to stop Barack Obama."

"Obama who is supported by vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing," Kali frowned.

To be continued.

Dracul Meets Heathcliff At San Diego Seaworld

2008-05-25T19:53:00.000-07:00

"So do you mean to say the person responsible for financing my run for the Presidency was an ancient Egyptian vampire named Set who was worshipped by the ancient Egyptians as a demon god of darkness?" Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell looked shocked.

"That's right," Dracul Van Helsing nodded.

"What makes this ancient Egyptian god of the desert and darkness think that I would have acted as his puppet if I was elected President?" Heathcliff asked.

"It's because you're a hairdresser," Dracul replied, "Being so old (even older than Sen. John McCain), he suffered from various preconceived stereotypes."

"Well, just because I'm a hairdresser doesn't mean that I'm a pushover," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell adjusted the pink carnation in his suit lapel.

His pet Siamese cat Oysterella spat in agreement at this statement.

"I just love what you did with my hair," India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour called from the heartshaped chair in Heathcliff's impromptu hairdressing tent stand down at San Diego's SeaWorld.

Lakhlita Dhapour: I just love what you did with my hair.

"And you mean to say another member of the vampirically undead who's worshipped as a pagan deity is causing trouble for America," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell tipped his hat in the direction of Lakhlita.

Princess Qonzilqointec On Saint Dunstan's Day

2008-05-19T19:08:00.000-07:00

Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec enjoying sun's rays in London's Saint James' Park

Thanks to a special sunscreen lotion developed for her by the Kremlin's East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen, Princess Qonzilqointec was now able to enjoy the sun's rays without being fried to a crisp like would happen to most vampiresses.

Dracul Van Helsing saw the lovely Aztec vampiress sitting on the bench and approached her.

Qonzilqointec leapt off the bench in her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and went running into Dracul's arms where she showered him with passionate kisses.

Passionate kisses that Dracul returned.

Earlier this month Dracul had rescued Qonzilqointec from an insidious plot by Stalinist hag Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton to bump off the breathtakingly lovely Aztec vampiress.

"I heard you were in America awhile on the lookout for the Hindu vampiress Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction," Qonzilqointec spoke between kisses.

"Yes, but after a meeting she had with California Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar," Dracul replied between kisses, "she seems to have disappeared again. When I heard you were in London, I flew over here."

"Come, Dracul," she grabbed his hand and they went for a walk through the park.

They soon came upon the sight of a fellow dressed in Anglican bishop's robes who was laying face forward on a prayer mat with his episcopal rear end sticking up in the air.

The bishop was praying in the direction of Mecca.

"I wonder who that is?" Qonzilqointec was inquisitive.

"I believe that's Rowan Williams the Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury," Dracul replied, "the one who called for the imposition of sharia law in Britain earlier this year."

"Oh yes," Qonzilqointec said, "he must be very ecumenical. I heard this morning on BBC News that he said a Roman Catholic Mass For the Dead for the Arian heretic Arius yesterday on Trinity Sunday."

"And today is May 19th, the Feast of Saint Dunstan an Archbishop of Canterbury who was martyred for his Christian faith back in 988 AD," Dracul remarked, "how times have changed. These days you wouldn't catch an Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury dead in wanting to be martyred for the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Christian Faith."

Dracul booted the Archdruid of Canterbury in his episcopal rear end as he and Qonzilqointec walked by.

This sent the Archdruid of Canterbury flying into the lake where he was immediately attacked by a flock of angry geese.

The Archdruid's cries of all being brothers and sisters under the divine maternity of Mother Earth Gaia went totally unheeded by the attacking honking angry geese.

Princess Qonzilqointec on Saint Dunstan's Day

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell In Oregon

2008-05-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Sunday night in Florence, Oregon.

Former presidential candidate Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had spent the past week in Oregon campaigning for Barack Obama for this coming Tuesday's Democratic primary in Oregon.

Now he was in the town of Florence, Oregon where he had just been given a t-shirt that said, Paris, London, Rome... Florence, Oregon.

His Siamese cat Oysterella had just been given a tiny sweater that said the same thing.

"I'd like to thank the people of Florence, Oregon very much for this great honour," Heathcliff said as he ate his seafood dinner of crab, lobster, scallops, oysters, shrimps, fish and clam chowder soup with dinner rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert plus tea all of which came to the grand total of $3.95 US, "and I know Oysterealla is still enjoying her dinner as well..."

The townspeople of Florence broke into cheers.

"I was just remarking to Oysterella the other day," Heathcliff finished his pumpkin pie, "that the people of Oregon seem to be much more intelligent than the people of California. Californians have already shown how brainless they are by voting for that hag Hillary Clinton back on the Super Tuesday primary. Now Oregonians have the opportunity to show their superior IQs to Californians by going out and voting for Barack Obama this coming Tuesday..."

The people of Florence broke into cheers.

When Oysterella had finished her seafood dinner, she then purred contentedly.

To be continued.

May 13th- Kali and The Governor of Kali-fornia

2008-05-13T19:45:00.000-07:00

The date was May 13th, 2008.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar's phone was ringing.

The governor answered, "Hello?".

It was movie maker Godzilla Mayasaki asking if the Governor would make a cameo appearance in his next movie.

"Sure," Arnie said and put down the phone.

All of a sudden Arnie heard a commotion from the next room.

Arnie opened the door and...

The Hindu Goddess Kali beckoned: Come fire walk with me.

"WTF?" Arnie closed the door.

Then Arnie noticed a statue on his desk that he had never noticed before:

Statue of the Hindu Goddess Kali

He then noticed the coloured comics section of the newspaper on his chair with the following comic strip picture:

Kali as comic strip heroine

Perturbed the Governor went over to look at his mail and noticed the following picture on a stamp:

Kali on a postage stamp

Suddenly he looked over at the wall painting in his office and noticed that the painting of George W. Bush riding a buffalo was gone and was replaced by this:

Painting of Goddess Kali

The governor then went to the cabinet below the painting and picked up his doodle pad when he suddenly noticed the following doodle that he must have subconsciously sketched:

Doodle of the Goddess Kali

Arnold decided that he really needed to have a good bowel movement so he opened the bathroom door where he was greeted by the following wax effigies:

Effigies of Kali & Associates

The Terminator decided that maybe he better go lay down and rest for a while.

When he opened his bedroom door, he noticed the following picture on his bed sheet:

The Hindu Goddess Kali dancing over a severed head.

The phone rang in the bedroom.

Arnie went over to pick it up.

It was the voice of his secretary.

"Governor," his secretary spoke, "Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on the line..."

To be continued,

The Angel In The Whirlwind and Tornadoes

2008-05-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

The woman was dressed in a blue sari mini dress, black silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto heels.

She was Lakhlita Dhapour India's top vampire huntress.

And she was surveying the damage done by one of the over 600 tornadoes that had struck the US this year.

"You are saying a vampiress is behind this destruction?" Lakhlita asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who was also surveying the damage.

"A supervampiress," Dracul Van Helsing answered, "just like there are super delegates who will play an all important role at the US Democratic National Convention in Colorado in August, so there are supervampires and supervampiresses who have played an all important role throughout the history of the world."

"And we're only noticing these supervampires and supervampiresses now?" Lakhlita asked.

"The super vampires and super vampiresses were worshipped as the gods and goddesses of the ancient world- a lot of them," Dracul Van Helsing explained, "the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who now lives in London was worshipped as the god of the desert by the ancient Egyptians. His sister-in-law Isis was considered queen of the gods while his brother Osiris was considered the king of the Egyptian pantheon and the god of the underworld. Super vampires and super vampiresses all of them."

"So why have I been summoned to the US from my home country?" Lakhlita asked.

"Because this damage was done by an Indian super vampiress," Dracul replied.

"Was this super vampiress from my homeland also worshipped as a goddess?" Lakhlita inquired.

"Indeed," Dracul nodded, "she's the super vampiress Kali worshipped by your countrymen for millenia as the goddess Kali the Hindu goddess of death and destruction."

"Wow," Lakhlita responded.

"She's also the angel in the whirlwind that George Dubya Bush hinted at in his first inaugural address of January 20th, 2001," Dracul added, "although Bush Junior neglected to mention that it was a fallen angel who's in the whirlwind directing this storm."

To be continued.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell Bows Out

2008-05-11T20:22:00.000-07:00

It was a Sunday night in Charleston the capital of West Virginia.

And US Democratic Presidential candidate Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had called a press conference.

The little known Democratic presidential candidate had formally decided to bow out of the race.

He had called his first press conference back in early 2006 in New York City with much fanfare.

Back then the representatives of all the major newspapers and major news networks had been there as the Vice-President of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products formally announced that he was seeking the US Democratic Presidential nomination.

Now as the bald bi-spectacled Heathcliff sat with his Siamese cat Oysterella on his lap and announced that he was leaving the race, only the obituary writer from the Charleston Observer newspaper and an amateur VJ from the local cable Community Channel 10's Sunday night Music Video Show were present.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had been backed by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set to be the next President of the United States.

Just like the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the Russian vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) were behind a Draft Al Gore movement for the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2008.

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were both supporting Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

And the ghost of Josef Stalin, the ghost of Mao Tse-tung and the ghost of Pol Pot had all formally endorsed New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton as their preferred candidate of choice.

Heathcliff had been willing to continue in the race until the Puerto Rico, South Dakota and Montana primaries on June 3rd.

But Set decided to stop financing the campaign on the advice of his Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage Renfield R. Renfield as well as the advice of his personal concert pianist and contract assasin Amadeus Emanon.

Renfield pointed out that Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had no chance of winning the nomination and Set's billions would be better spent on tuna fish and mermaid sandwiches which Renfield enjoyed eating.

Amadeus Emanon used a similar argument save he had said that Set's billions would be better spent on take-out and delivery pizzas from various pizza parlours in and around London which Amadeus enjoyed eating.

So with his campaign financing gone, Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell decided to formally withdraw from the race.

Originally Heathcliff was not planning to endorse either one of his two opponents still left in the race- Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton.

That is until Heathcliff received a threatening phone call from former US President Bill Clinton just before the press conference.

"Now you listen to me, you cat-loving little pipsqueak twerp," Clinton said in his Arkansas draw, "you better not endorse Barack Obama if you know what's good for your cat's health. I know several vicious dogs I can set on your precious Oysterella."

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell did not take kindly to being threatened.

Therefore he resolved to endorse Obama.

"Unlike certain ugly hags who have no fashion sense at all," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell began his press conference in his Truman Capote sounding voice, "I know when to call it quits. Therefore I'm withdrawing from the race and formally endorsing Barack Obama the honourable gentleman from Illinois for the Democratic Presidential nomination this year..."

"Mr. Campbell," the Charleston Observer obituary writer called out, "what would you consider the highlight of your Presidential campaign?".

"I'd consider the highlight of my campaign giving Britney Spears a good and much needed spanking in public in Banff National Park up in Canada two years ago," Heathcliff stroked his pussy.

Oysterella purred contentedly.

"Heathcliff," the red-haired leather micro-mini skirted female disc jockey VJ from the local cable community channel Music Video Show spoke up, "would you accept the Vice-Presidential nomination from Mister Obama if it was offered to you?".

"I'd be most pleased to serve under Barack Obama," Heathcliif Dionysus Campbell adjusted the pink carnation in his suit lapel.

Qonzilqointec Hanging Around

2008-05-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec about to be hanged by a silver rope

The Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec stood there courageously on the hangman's platform.

She was about to be hung by a silver rope- a hangman's rope made out of silver could kill vampires (and vampiresses!).

A French theatrical troupe touring in Mexico acting out The Hunchback of Notre Dame had been hired by New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton to track Qonzilqointec down and hang her with a hangman's rope made out of silver on their Hunchback of Notre Dame medieval Paris looking set.

Sen. Clinton was furious when she heard that Qonzilqointec was behind a plot to have Al Gore drafted as the nominee at the Democratic National Convention in August.

That was when Sen. Clinton ordered the hanging.

The hooded executioner stood behind Princess Qonzilqointec.

That was when it dawned on the Aztec vampire princess that she was never going to make it to her 700th birthday.

Suddenly shots rang out in the air and vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing came swinging down on a rope on to the platform.

As soon as the French troupe heard the shots- being French- their hands immediately rose into the air and the hooded executioner pulled a white flag out of his pocket and started waving the white flag of surrender.

"Back," Dracul held the gun on the Frenchmen with one hand and used a knife to cut loose Qonzilqointec's ropes with the other.

"Dracul," the Aztec vampire princess kissed the vampire hunter passionately on the lips.

Dracul kissed her back. And soon vampire hunter and vampire princess were making love on the hangman's platform as the French troupe ran off into the Mexican sunset. Their hands still held above their heads.

Meanwhile at a speech in West Virginia, former US President Bill Clinton told Democratic voters, "And it's a known fact that a known Barack Obama supporter Dracul Van Helsing who's supposed to be a slayer of vampires rescued the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec from certain death. This gives you some idea of the type of people who are supporting Barack Obama..."

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec: Rescued by Dracul Van Helsing a known Barack Obama supporter.

Godzilla Mayasaki's Dream

2008-05-05T17:59:00.000-07:00

Godzilla Mayasaki wasn't your typical Hollywood director.

For starters, he was Japanese right from Tokyo.

His father Sajiwa Mayasaki had been a big fan of Japanese monster movies which explained his eldest son's name.

Godzilla Mayasaki had been a successful maker of horror movies in Japan.

He would have probably continued to make movies in Japan if he hadn't been caught by Tokyo newspaper photographers in a compromising position over the knee of Japanese dominatrix Mitsuki Otohime.

Sony Pictures immediately cancelled his contract.

So Godzilla Mayasaki came to Hollywood and was immediately hailed by the Hollywood crowd as one of their own.

Particularly after he was photographed snorting crack cocaine with Britney Spears and driving into a Beverly Hills lamp post with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton sitting on his lap.

This evening Godzilla Mayasaki sat fast asleep in his hot tub.

He was dreaming that he was in the Kremlin and Russian President Vladimir Putin was looking out the window of his office when President Putin suddenly shouted, "Oh merde."

Godzilla Mayasaki had heard that President Putin spoke several languages including French.

What President Putin saw he wasn't sure as Godzilla Mayasaki suddenly switched spatial and temporal dimensions in his dream.

He dreamed that he was shooting a movie with a very attractive rising young blonde starlet when suddenly the very attractive rising young blonde starlet started sprouting arms like the Hindu goddess Kali and went around strangling everyone on the set.

The Hindu Goddess Kali as a Hollywood blonde.

Patriarch Aleksei's Dream

2008-05-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

The head of the Russian Orthodox Church Patriarch Aleksei II the Patriarch of Moscow and All Russia woke up in a sweat.

He had had a most frightening dream.

He saw a vision of the Hindu Goddess Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction rising up from her demonic abode in India and walking across the mountains of Afghanistan and then into the Middle East when she suddenly walked north and into Russia where she laid the land waste with killing and destruction.

Patriarch Aleksei II"s dream: The Hindu goddess Kali brings death and destruction to Russia.

Renfield Interrogates For Scotland Yard

2008-05-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

Renfield the shapeshifting hamster chief of security for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had done some freelance interrogation work before.

Last fall he had done some interrogation on behalf of the Pakistani government to find the assasins of Benazir Bhutto.

Back in late March and early April he had done some interrogation work for the CIA down in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Now Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard had asked him to interrogate a suspect.

The man a Muslim terrorist had worked as a baggage handler at Heathrow Airport's new terminal.

So Renfield had two reasons to have a go at the man.

One, he was being paid by Scotland Yard to do so.

And two, Renfield had had his luggage lost at Heathrow Airport's new terminal last month while flying to Russia (where he had filmed a porno movie for his billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire employer Set of outgoing Russian President Vladimir Putin cavorting in various positions with his new twenty something girlfriend).

It was suspected that the Muslim terrorist suspect was going to plant bombs in the luggage he was handling.

Scotland Yard was most anxious to discover who the man's confederates were in the plot.

So far the suspect wasn't talking.

"We have only 72 hours to hold him- to either charge him or let him go," Inspector Depp explained to Renfield.

"Don't worry, I'll get him to talk," Renfield assured Inspector Depp.

Into the interrogation room Renfield went with a lunch bucket filled with his favourite sandwiches- tuna fish and mermaid-
as well as a suitcase full of his interrogation instruments.

The suspect turned pale when he saw Renfield open the suitcase full of interrogation instruments as Renfield cheerfully whistled the song Whistle While You Work.

Renfield handcuffed the suspect to the back of the chair and put the man's right leg up on the table.

He then grabbed a fairly good lumberjack's saw.

"Now I'm going to do this without the use of anesthetic so this may hurt somewhat," Renfield smiled and proceeded to start sawing off the man's leg.

The man started screaming as Renfield started to sing, "Waltzing Mathilda... Waltzing Mathilda... you'll come a Waltzing Mathilda with me...."

To be continued.

Stalin's Ghost, Captain Cobra and Father Athanasius

2008-05-02T19:27:00.000-07:00

Hillary Rodham Clinton was in a trance again, "Comrade Josef, are you there? Comrade Josef, are you there?".

The ghost of Josef Stalin appeared to his aging feminist protege Hillary.

"I am here my daughter and most devoted disciple," the ghost of Josef Stalin said, "it is extremely hot where I am. I'm always relieved when you summon me to Earth. How can I be of assistance?".

"I want to win the Indiana and North Carolina primaries this coming Tuesday," Hillary bellowed, "what can I do?".

"Leave it in my hands," the ghost of Stalin winked.

"All right," Hillary stood up and left the room where she then went to a dinner party in which she gave a speech attacking Barack Obama for being friends with some people who were known Marxists.

The ghost of Josef Stalin looked at the calendar- May 2nd- the feast day of Saint Athanasius.

This gave Stalin an idea.

He contacted Captain Cobra- a genetically engineered hybrid creation of the East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen who now worked for Vladimir Putin.

Stalin's ghost asked Captain Cobra to track down a priest named Father Athanasius Ben Gurion (a Jewish convert to Catholicism and a distant relation of Israel's first Prime Minister) who was the parish priest and rector of Saint Athanasius' Catholic Church in Chicago (Chicago being an appropriate locale since it is now Barack Obama's home base).

Stalin thought it would be beneficial if Captain Cobra sacrificed Father Athanasius the rector of Saint Athanasius on the Feast of Saint Athanasius.

This sacrifice might arrange the cosmos so that his disciple Hillary would win the Indiana and North Carolina primaries next Tuesday.

On CNN News, Friday evening May 2nd 2008, "And this just in... a Roman Catholic priest in Chicago was sacrificed tonight in a bizarre satanic ritual ceremony on the altar of his own parish church...."

"In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton spent much of this evening talking about Barack Obama's former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright..."

Qonzilqointec Looks At Hybrids

2008-04-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Princess Qonzilqointec was standing there in a tight fitting red evening dress.

Amadeus Emanon could feel an erection coming on.

Renfield could feel a yawn coming on.

He hadn't been getting much sleep lately. The shapeshifting hamster had only just returned from Russia where he had been secretly filming Russian President Vladimir Putin in various porno movie and Kama Sutra positions with his new 20-something girlfriend.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was escorting Princess Qonzilqointec around his laboratory where he was showing off the various human-animal hybrid creations that his company Set Enterprises was working on.

The human-animal hybrids were part of a project that Set was working on called Project Chimera.

"This is our cow-woman," Set pointed to the creature that was part cow and part human female.

"She bears a remarkable resemblance to Hillary Rodham Clinton," Qonzilqointec noted.

"Indeed," Set agreed.

"And this is our ape-man," Set pointed to the creature that was part male gorilla and part male human.

"He could pass for the lead guitarist in a Heavy Metal band," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"That's true," Set nodded, "in fact Renfield's been teaching him how to play electric guitar."

"I didn't know you knew how to play electric guitar," Amadeus turned to Renfield.

"I don't," Renfield answered, "but neither do most Heavy Metal guitarists."

"So what are you ultimately working on?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"Well we've managed to obtain a sample of what we believe to be the blood of Christ, a tooth that we believe belonged to Buddha, the foreskin that belonged to King David and the asshole of Islam's founder Mohammed. We're going to combine these with the DNA of a giant snake and see what the end result will be," Set grinned.

"Sounds like a potential guest that Oprah would rave about on her TV program," Amadeus whispered to Renfield.

"O Brave New World," Qonzilqointec walked out on to the balcony of the Set Enterprises Tower in London and lay across it, "that has such wonders in it."

"O Brave New World that has such wonders in it."

Qonzilqointec's Strategy For Al Gore

2008-04-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in a London hotel room.

The Russian vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been the Russian Communist Leon Trotsky) the current head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change bowed to the Princess as she sat on the sofa in her gold evening dress.

"I congratulate you on your superior intellect, Princess," Lev Tomi spoke as he bowed.

"There are some lone rangers who might say that intellect is not the same as intelligence," Qonzilqointec smiled, "so I don't know if that's a compliment."

"And did not your lover Dracul Van Helsing say of such lone rangers that's the reason they wear a mask? To hide the fact that they have neither intellect or intelligence," Tomi answered.

Qonzilqointec laughed, "Yes, the Drac-Man did say such a thing."

"But I'm complimenting you on your strategy to put Al Gore into the White House this November," Tomi smiled, "you said you were going to do it without having Gore run for the nomination. I didn't think it was possible for such a thing to be done but it appears you're close to doing it."

"Yes, it appears that neither Hillary nor Obama will have enough delegates to actually win the nomination without the support of the majority of the superdelegates (delegates who are automatic delegates- not delegates chosen in caucuses or primaries) on the first ballot. And I'm going to get the majority of the superdelegates to abstain on the first ballot which will mean neither Hillary nor Obama will win on the first ballot. Which means there will be a second ballot. Which means there will then be an open convention. And since both Hillary and Obama's supporters now hate one another with a fierce intensity, that will be the moment when a Draft Gore motion will hit the convention floor. Since only Al Gore will be able to unite the Democratic Party as only Al Gore will be acceptable to both Hillary and Obama supporters," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"How will you get the majority of the superdelegates to abstain on the first ballot?" Lev Tomi asked.

"Through compromising photos and blackmail," Qonzilqointec laughed a most feminine femme fatale film noir laugh.

Tomi guffawed the guffaw of a Russian Marxist.

"I already have several compromising photos already on one superdelegate who I will be forcing to abstain at the last moment,"
Qonzilqointec reached for the caviar.

"And who is that one superdelegate?" Tomi raised an eyebrow behind his glasses.

"Well to quote the rabbi in Elaine Benes' building on the Seinfeld TV show," Qonzilqointec winked, "let's call him... Bill (Clinton)."

To be continued.

Barack Obama Talks To Jimmy Carter

2008-01-29T13:53:00.000-08:00

"Senator Obama," his aide whispered into the young Illinois Senator's ear, "former US President Jimmy Carter is on the phone. He wants to talk to you."

"Really?" Senator Obama smiled. Was the former US President and noted humanitarian going to endorse him for President like the Kennedy family had?

Senator Obama went into a quiet solitary room and picked up the phone.

"Good evening, Mr. President," Senator Obama said as soon as he had picked up the receiver.

"Good evening, Senator," former President Carter said in his soothing Georgia accent, "I'm phoning you to brief you about certain geopolitical events that are going on across this continent and in the hemisphere of the Americas."

"Geopolitical events?" Senator Obama was surprised by the nature of the call and yet the former President must have confidence in him (Senator Obama) to phone him to discuss geopolitical events.

"Yes," Jimmy Carter cleared his throat, "tell me, have you ever heard of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec?".

"Well, I've heard rumours that a 400-year-old vampiress who's a Princess of the Aztecs is supposed to be alive and kicking in the world today," Senator Obama noted, "certain Marxists and Trotskyites are talking about her all the time."

"Yes," Carter laughed, "she's become an obsession with Marxists and Trotskyites and pro-Hugo Chavez people."

"Which may explain why Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton's foreign policy team is so obsessed with the Princess," Obama noted dryly.

"Yes," Carter agreed, "she's formed an axis with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Bolivian President Evo Morales and Cuban President Fidel Castro to eventually establish a totalitarian dictatorship over all of Latin America."

"I've heard she's the pushing force behind a Draft Al Gore movement in our party," Obama sighed.

"Yes, she's behind Al Gore for the Democrats," Carter spoke with some earnestness, "and she's backing Mitt Romney for the Republicans. Those are her two eggs in the basket of US politics."

"She's backing Mitt Romney for the Republicans," Obama was incredulous, "why?".

"Because Mitt Romney is a Mormon and the Mormon Church believes that Christ and Quetzalcoatl is one and the same individual," Carter explained.

"And why would that lead Qonzilqointec to back Romney?" Obama asked.

"Because the Princess is also a High Priestess of the human sacrifice cannibalistic Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl," Carter answered.

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec Video For Dracul Van Helsing

2008-01-24T14:50:00.000-08:00

Music video of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
playing the gypsy girl Esmeralda

Dracul Van Helsing gazed appreciatively at the music video the Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec had sent him.

Attached to the video was a note saying she'd be attending the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland this week.

PS she wrote: "I know you'll love me as Esmeralda. Hugs, Qonzie."

She certainly got that right, Dracul smiled to himself.

She had also attached a photo slideshow of herself giving a speech at the recent Bali Conference on Climate Change where her two puppets Al Gore and the vampire Lev Tomi (in mortal life Leon Trotsky) were also present. Included in this slideshow were ads she had done promoting a new wine she was making.

"I made these ads deliberately erotic and sensuous just for you, Drackie," she wrote in a PPS.

"Many thanks indeed," Dracul Van Helsing blew her a kiss on his Samsung cell phone webcam.

She would be stopping in London to see him next week.

Daydream Believer And A Screen Movie Queen

2008-01-23T17:34:00.000-08:00

Veronica Lake was appearing in Amadeus Emanon's dream

Amadeus awoke feeling very very happy.

He glanced at the computer screen and realized that he had fallen asleep at his keyboard.

He read his email.

It was an email from Renfield saying that he'd be staying in Islamabad for a couple of more days torturing Muslim terrorist prisoners and then he'd be stopping in Tokyo for a dish of fresh live Japanese mermaid at his favourite sushi restaurant and then he'd be flying home taking the polar route over the North Pole to London.

Yawn! Amadeus closed his eyes and dreamed once more of Veronica Lake:

Awake again, he read an email from the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec to his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set. In it, Qonzilqointec was complaining that in her opinion Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner was too pretty to be President of Argentina.

Amadeus vehemently disagreed. Ever since Senora Kirchner had been elected President of Argentina, Amadeus had started to follow Argentinian politics with interest- something that he had never done before.

Minutes later, he was asleep at the keyboard again. Once more he dreamed of Veronica Lake:

Awake again, he then read an email from the Aztec princess to Set on the subject of the US Presidential election. In it, the royal vampiress expressed her opinion that she thought Hillary Rodham Clinton was too ugly to be President of the United States.

On this issue, Amadeus was in total agreement with the vampiric Princess. He imagined that if Ms. Clinton was elected President, within days of the old bat's inauguration the amount of people viewing the news in America would drop to practically nil. Not to mention the tremendous increase in homosexual orientation among males that would probably result in America.

Amadeus shivered at the image of the Wicked Witch of the East sitting in the Oval Office and instead thought of more pleasant things.

He fell asleep again dreaming that Veronica Lake was on stage singing to him:

Amadeus awoke again momentarily to view an on-line BBC News Story saying that a group of mermaids were plotting the death of his co-employee the shapeshifting hamster Renfield R. Renfield (the R stood for Renfield).

That would be alright, Amadeus thought to himself. He didn't approve of Renfield's habit of eating mermaids. Amadeus thought mermaids were quite pretty- unlike woman candidates for the US Presidency.

Besides if the mermaids knocked off Renfield, that would mean more slices of pizza left over for him (Amadeus) when they ordered take-out delivery in the Set household.

Amadeus fell asleep again and once more dreamed of Veronica Lake:

This time when he awoke he reached for the London Yellow Pages Phone Directory and found the number for Alfredo's where upon he placed an order for Fettucini Alfredo and the Deluxe Mediterranean Pizza.

As he put the phone down, he returned to dreaming of Veronica Lake:

Renfield's Torture Wields Results

2008-01-22T12:35:00.000-08:00

Renfield's torture of Muslim terrorist prisoners in Pakistan had wielded results.

A 15-year-old boy and a 7-year-old boy had been arrested and charged in the death of Benazir Bhutto.

"A job well done," Renfield thought to himself as he ate a mermaid and salmon salad sandwich.

The mermaid had been caught in the Indian Ocean by a fisherman Renfield had hired to fish specifically for mermaids.

In the background, screams could still be heard coming from the interrogation chamber.

Why stop a good thing just because someone has been arrested? Renfield thought to himself as he downed the last of the mermaid and salmon salad sandwich and washed it down with a pint of Guinness.

"Belch," Renfield expressed himself.

As Renfield looked at the US and world economic news on the business page of the India Times, he could understand why his boss the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had started to pull out of the stock market and invest in gold this past year.

It was Renfield's understanding that the Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was doing the same thing as well.

Renfield choked on his Guinness as he thought about the Aztec vampiress Qonzilqointec.

Why was Her Vampiric Highness always being mentioned in pro-Trotskyite and pro-Hugo Chavez sites on the Net?

A biography of Leon Trotsky posted on the Net even mentioned that Princess Qonzilqointec was the one who had turned Leon Trotsky into a vampire.

Why was Qonzilqointec being mentioned all the time and not him Renfield the greatest shape-shifting hamster torturer in all recorded history?

Perhaps now that he had cracked open the Benazir Bhutto case Renfield thought to himself as he cracked open a walnut with his hamster teeth, perhaps his name Renfield would finally be mentioned on the Net.

To be continued.

Renfield Looks Ahead

2008-01-14T13:21:00.000-08:00

The shape-shifting hamster Renfield was having great fun torturing the Muslim terrorist prisoner.

"I had nothing to do with the assasination of Benazir Bhutto, I swear," the man screamed as Renfield applied electric shock therapy to the man's testicles.

Set Enterprises had been hired as a private consultant to work with Scotland Yard in its investigation of Mrs. Bhutto's death at the request of the Musharraf government.

And Set had sent over his chief of security and espionage Renfield to do the job.

Despite not losing track of the amount of electrical shocks given to the men brought into his office for questioning, Renfield still found time to analyze geopolitical events.

Argentinian President Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner still had a good relationship with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez despite the efforts of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec to throw cold water (and a German Gestapo vampire Herr Balde) onto the political alliance.

Lev Tomi (in mortal life Leon Trotsky) the vampiric head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change was still trotting all over the globe with former US Vice-President Al Gore trying to recruit the world's population into pagan earth mother goddess Gaia worship.

And the golden serpent Maitreya's stooge Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (whom the shapeshifting serpent had brainwashed into thinking that he Maitreya was the Imam Mahdi) was still trying to start a war with the United States.

Meanwhile a joint genetic experiment that Set Enterprises had worked with the Kremlin labs in Russia called the Tsarevich experiment was a failure. The genetically cloned being Tsarevich had died after eating his mentor the vampire Rasputin's borsch soup and sweetgrass perogies.

However Vladimir Putin would still continue to be Prime Minister of Russia after giving up the Presidency this March (after all Putin had already rigged the election to make sure his hand-picked and anointed successor would win) and so Set Enterprises would still have a valuable ally in power in the Kremlin.

All in all things were still looking rosy for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and his right-hand shapeshifting hamster Renfield.

Things were not looking rosy for the Muslim terrorist whose testicles were turning blue however.

To be continued.

Queen Cristina of Argentina

2007-12-04T13:40:00.000-08:00

Following his release from Buenos Aires' Santa Cruz Hospital where he had been for a couple of weeks due to the severe beating given him by South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan, the Vampire Paparazzo Herr Balde (formerly of the Gestapo) resumed his job of stalking Argentinian President-elect Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner...

Senora Presidenta Cristina greeting supporters...

Senora Presidenta Cristina doing a belly dance routine in support of a charity event...

... the thought of Hillary Clinton performing a similar routine caused the Vampire Paparazzo Herr Balde to lose his lunch...

... upon returning from the washroom after a 24-hour period of emptying his insides, he was visually greeted by more pleasant tasks...

Senora Presidenta Cristina meeting with Russian businessmen...

Senora Presidenta Cristina meeting fellow Latin American political leaders...

and most importantly of all...

Senora Presidenta Cristina meeting Mr. Bean (aka Rowan Atkinson)

To be continued.

Cristina Fernandez and the Vampire Paparazzo

2007-11-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

This photo of Argentinian President-elect Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner meeting with a Trinidadian politician was taken by the Vampire Paparazzo (the Nazi vampire Herr Balde formerly of the Gestapo)...

Senora Cristina gazes in the direction of the Vampire Paparazzo (Herr Balde formerly of the Gestapo) not knowing that the photographer is a vampire who was sent by the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec to stalk the new Presidenta of Argentina...

Senora Presidenta meets with a group of Buenos Aires based Israeli businessmen much to the displeasure of Vampire Paparazzo Herr Balde (formerly of the Gestapo) who chokes on his deli Smoked Meat and Kosher Pickle sandwich while taking the picture...

Upon getting out of a medical clinic where the rye bread, Smoked Meat and kosher pickle were removed from his throat in an emergency operation, the Vampire Paparazzo Herr Balde (formerly of the Gestapo) follows Senora Presidenta as she walks towards a TV station...

The Vampire Paparazzo Herr Balde snaps this photo of Senora Presidenta talking to one of Argentina's leading TV interviewers when he is hit on the head by a TV camera knocked over by Harry Woo's Chinese-Argentinian fourth cousin. Harry Woo's Chinese-Argentinian cousin Juan Woo had just received a phone call on his cell phone mentioning that his cousin Harry Woo had just walked off Larry King Live...

And so going back to his hotel room to place a frozen beef steak on his head, Herr Balde lies down for a few hours. When he gets up again, he stumbles into the lobby and heads towards the outside pool deck totally oblivious to the fact he's facing two dangers:
it's daylight outside and the attractive woman he just snapped a photo of is none other than South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan who's just arrived in Buenos Aires with Dracul Van Helsing...

Hyung Grace Kwan about to deliver a warm greeting to Vampire Paparazzo Herr Balde...

Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner

2007-11-20T14:46:00.000-08:00

And so the past month Argentina's new President-elect Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner has been meeting with diplomats...

... and fellow political leaders...

... but still has found the time to visit Argentina's lovely churches...

... which is a good thing because the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec hired a Nazi vampire (who had escaped to Argentina back in 1945) to stalk her...

To be continued.

Argentina's Radiant Senora Presidente

2007-11-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

Argentina's President-elect Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner celebrates her Presidential election victory in Argentina last month.

Senora Cristina is now the most powerful woman in Argentina since Evita Peron.

Radiant in victory, a new day dawns for Argentina with a beautiful senora at the helm of the nation.

"Stand up and cheer, Argentina."
But not all are cheering. That night from her penthouse suite in Mexico City the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec fired an arrow at the TV set when Senora Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner won the Argentine Presidency. Here was a beautiful Latina senora who could easily influence Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. And Princess Qonzilqointec wanted to be the only beautiful Latina American woman to influence President Chavez. On the other side of the world however, Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing sent a congratulatory e-mail to Senora Cristina.

Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show ON MTV

2007-10-22T16:43:00.000-07:00

A recent news item mentioned that J.K. Rowing told
a New York City audience on her current book tour of the
U.S. that she's always visualized the character of Albus
Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwart's as being gay.

And you've probably noticed the ads at the top of Fropper
pages advertising the latest reality TV show on MTV- Searching
For Love with Tila Tequila.

Tila Tequila whose real name is Tila Nguyen is the Vietnamese-
American singer who used MySpace as a stepping stone to success
in the music world.

Now on the MTV program starring her, 16 lesbian women
and 16 straight guys are competing for her affections.

It is these two items together that I used to write the
following fictional tale:

Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

Scene: Harry Woo close friend of Dracul Van Helsing
is working at his job at the mansion where the TV show
Searching For Love With Tila Tequila is being shot. Harry
is a go-for (gopher) on the set.

Assistant Director: Harry, what are you doing?

Harry Woo: I'm reading a Harry Potter spell book.

Assistant Director: Never mind that now. Paul one of the contestants
on the set is feeling a craving for Egg Rolls. Can you go and buy him
some? And deliver them to his dressing room?

Harry Woo: Sure.

(Harry walks down to Mrs. James' Regency Lounge Chinese Take-Out
and Delivery and picks up an order of egg rolls. He then delivers them to
Paul's dressing room)

Harry: Okay, now back to reading the Harry Potter Spell Book.

(20 minutes later, the Assistant Director of the show approaches
Harry Woo)

Assistant Director: Harry, can you go get Paul in his dressing
room?

Harry: Sure. (puts down his Harry Potter Spell Book)

(Harry knocks on Paul's dressing room door. The TV is on
but there's no answer from Paul)

Harry: Hello? (opens the door)

(No sign of Paul. The TV is on- tuned to CNN and Larry
King is on)

Larry King: The recent talk of the blogosphere this past week
has been the cavorting of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. The item which was first
mentioned at a India blogging and social networking site has since
been reposted at numerous blogging sites analyzing Venezuelan
politics, Hugo Chavez and his Bolivarian Revolution. The question is:
why are a Marxist socialist and an Aztec vampire princess working together?
What do a disciple of Marx and a High Priestess of the feathered
serpent god Quetzalcoatl possibly have in common?
To answer these questions, we have as our special guest
the Rev. Pat Robertson...

(Rev. Pat Robertson's smiling face appears on the screen)

Larry King: Rev. Robertson, a few years ago you called for the
assasination of Hugo Chavez. And a couple of years before
that, you attacked an American university for teaching a course
in Vampire Studies... in fact, you issued a strongly worded
statement saying that vampires don't exist.
So now what do you make of this claim circulating through
the blogosphere that Chavez has formed an alliance with a vampiress
... an Aztec vampire princess at that...

Rev. Robertson: Well of course there aren't any vampires...
this is probably a Halloween trick by Mr. Chavez to destabilize
Wall Street and the financial markets.

Anderson Cooper: Larry, if I may be allowed to break in
at this point...

Larry King: Please do, Coop...

Anderson Cooper: We've just been informed that a squad
of red shirted Bolivarian Marxist vampires have committed suicide
in unison by staking themselves through the heart...

Larry King: What brought this on?

Anderson Cooper: Well apparently this elite corps of Marxist
revolutionaries that President Chavez created with the help of the
fangs of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec... Venezuela's
El Presidente invited the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's
linguistic analysis Marxist windbag Noam Chomsky to address
the revolutionary vampiric corps on the topic of Marxist linguistic
analysis. Five minutes into the lecture, the vampiric Bolivarians
bolted out of the room and impaled themselves on nearby fence posts...

Larry King: I imagine most mortals would do the same if they had to
listen to windbag Chomsky...

(Harry turns off the TV)

Harry: Paul?

(Harry goes over to the couch and finds Paul dead)

Harry: Wow! I guess I better not let these egg rolls go
to waste. (takes a bite of Mrs. James' Regency Lounge
Chinese Take-Out and Delivery Egg Rolls and then spits
it out). Well, I can now see what killed him.

(Harry runs back to his Harry Potter Spell Book)

Harry: Looks like I'm going to have to find a contestant
to replace Paul.

(Harry chants a spell and calls up Albus Dumbledore)

Assistant Director: Harry, where's Paul?

Harry: Eating those egg rolls turned him into Albus
Dumbledore.

Assistant Director: Great! Put him on.

At the end of the reality TV series, Tila Tequila makes her
big announcement...

Tila Tequila: And the winner is...

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

Tila (goes over to the old wizard and kisses him):
Bet you didn't know I'm bisexual.

Albus Dumbledore: Bet you didn't know... I'm GAY!

Assistant Director (screaming): Harry! Harry Woo!

Harry Woo: I'll go get some more egg rolls. (leaves)

Qonzilqointec Visits Saint James' Hospital, London

2007-10-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec on Streets of London

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec walked down the streets of London.

And the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan walked right by her.

Hyung did not stop to look at Qonzilqointec because she didn't think that vampiresses appeared in daylight.

And that is usually the case.

But of course the Kremlin's East German scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen had developed a special sunscreen lotion for Her Highness that made the Aztec vampire princess' skin invulnerable to the sun's rays.

Qonzilqointec entered the doors of Saint James' Hospital- a place that Hyung Grace Kwan had just left.

She asked at the desk and was directed to the room of Dracul Van Helsing.

Princess Qonzilqointec opened the door and brought in a box of chocolate Turtles for Dracul Van Helsing- his favourite.

"So you were gunned down by a beautiful woman, I understand," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"Yes, I always seem to let my guard down around beautiful women," Dracul smiled back, "in fact when we first met, you were ripping out my heart and sacrificing me to the god Quetzalcoatl."

"That's water under the bridge," she answered.

"Reminds me of something a Teddy Kennedy speechwriter might write," Dracul noted.

"Anyhow, President Chavez will not be trying to bump you off again if he knows what's good for him," Qonzilqointec noted, "but I'm here to talk about something else."

"And what would that be?" Dracul helped himself to a turtle.

"A shapeshifter," Qonzilqointec answered, "The Golden Serpent of Persia."

"The one that speaks to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad," Dracul sampled the turtle, "the one that Mr. Ahmadinejad thinks is the incarnation of the Imam Mahdi."

"Yes," the Aztec vampiress nodded, "this gold serpentine Mahdi was the one behind the attack on Benazir Ali Bhutto's convoy when she returned to Pakistan. He's also behind the recent attack on that shopping mall in the Philippine capital of Manila."

"Yes," Dracul nodded, "the serpentine Mahdi is definitely up to something."

At that moment, Dracul's cell phone rang.

"Hello?" Dracul answered it.

Qonzilqointec could hear sobbing coming over the phone.

"I can't talk now," Dracul ended the conversation, "I've got important company."

"Who was that?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"Harry Woo," Dracul replied.

"Is he sobbing over the fact that you were shot?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"No, over the fact that his car broke down on his way to pick up two free tickets to a hockey game and he missed seeing the game," Dracul answered.

"What a loser," Qonzilqointec observed.

"Just wait until he finds out that Albus Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwarts turns out to have been fruitier than a strawberry daquiri," Dracul smiled, "then he'll really have something to bawl about. I always found Dumbledore's always calling Harry... Potter that is... into his office VERY suspicious."

"What do you mean?" Qonzilqointec asked.

Dracul pointed at the Times of London headline, J.K. ROWLING TELLS NEW YORK AUDIENCE THAT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE WAS GAY.

To be continued.

A Slap In The Face For Chavez

2007-10-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

A Slap In The Face For Chavez
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 17th, 2007

It was Tuesday evening, October 16th, 2007 in
the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela.

And Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had
just submitted to the Venezuelan Parliament
changes to the Venezuelan Constitution that
would give the President more powers.

So in this respect, it had been a good day for
Chavez.

Another thing Chavez was rejoicing over was
the death of one of his fiercest and long-standing
critics, Roman Catholic Cardinal Rosalio Castillo
Lara, aged 85.

Chavez had just been informed that this episcopal
thorn in his side had died today (Tuesday, October
16th, 2007).

And he had further good news.

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who
had upset Chavez's plans to bring back Ernesto Che Guevara
from the dead- well Chavez had been informed that a
Venezuelan intelligence agent had gunned down
Van Helsing in front of the Westminster Parliament on
the River Thames last night (Monday evening, October 15th,
2007),

Suddenly Chavez felt a breeze in the Presidential office
as a strong powerful rustling wind blew in from outside.

The office lights went dark and then came on again.

Standing there in an exquisite black evening dress was
the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

"Your Highness," Chavez approached her, "how nice to see
you..."

The vampire princess raised her hand and struck Chavez firmly
across the face, "It's lucky for you that Dracul Van Helsing is
expected to live. Otherwise you wouldn't be living at this moment.
And if I ever hear about an attempt from you to kill Van Helsing again,
the Red Revolution in Latin America will be happening without you.
You'll be in a tomb."

The lights went out again.

There was another powerful breeze and the slamming of
a window.

Then lights were on.

And Chavez stood there rubbing the side of his face.

Why would Her Highness the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
be upset about an attempt on the life of a vampire hunter?
Especially one as notorious in the vampire world as Dracul Van Helsing?

Chavez sighed.

He'd never be able to understand vampiresses.

The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest Fidel Castro

2007-10-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest
Fidel Castro
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 15th, 2007

Yesterday Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was in
Santa Clara, Cuba visiting the mausoleum of Ernesto
Che Guevara who was killed 40 years ago this past week.

Chavez did a TV broadcast from the mausoleum for his
weekly TV show broadcast on state run Venezuelan television.

He talked to Cuban President Fidel Castro by phone on the program.

Here's part of the conversation that was not broadcast on television
for the Venezuelan viewing audience:

Castro: So Hugo, I thought you told me that you had hired
a Haitian witch doctor who could read the Haitian Book of the Dead
and he was going to raise our friend Comrade Che from the dead
as a surprise ensemble to the 40th anniversary celebration?

Chavez: Didn't Raul mention that an enemy agent poisoned
Doctor Bones Duvalier's Chicken and Ribs before the
ceremony and Duvalier dropped dead before he could bring
Che back to life?

Castro: No, my brother didn't mention it. I'll have to chew him out
next time I see him.

Chavez: Anyhow my Intelligence Services in Venezuela have sent an
agent after Doctor Duvalier's poisoner.

Castro: That's good to hear.

* * *

Scene: London, England. Dracul Van Helsing is taking a stroll
along the Thames in front of Big Ben and the Westminster
Parliament.

Dracul stopped momentarily as he received an incoming
text message on his Samsung cell phone.

It was a message from Princess Qonzilqointec the Aztec vampiress
who was wanting to know the names of machine gun-toting bikini
babes in Delhi, India.

Dracul decided not to respond to the request. The princess was probably
wanting to bump somebody off.

There was enough violence in the world as it is Dracul thought
to himself as he passed a newspaper box with a headline
that told a grisly story of three robbery suspects in Port Elizabeth,
South Africa who had been captured by cannibalistic vampires
and slow roasted over an open fire as they screamed in unison
to the melody of Beethoven's Song of Joy which was being played
by the Vampire Cannibal Symphony Orchestra at the outdoor concert
and dinner.

"Dracul," a feminine voice called out after the Canadian vampire
hunter.

Van Helsing turned around and noticed the pretty long-haired
brunette dressed in a red sweater, rusty brown skirt and spiked
red leather boots.

"Athena?" Dracul approached the woman, "Athena Guerrido?".

He approached the Venezuelan born art curator whom he had met
at an art show and exposition in New York City last autumn.

The woman pulled out a gun out of her purse and shot Dracul
point blank in the chest.

"Damn, I hate it when that happens," Dracul remarked as he
fell to the ground.

"Vengeance for the Revolution," Athena gave a clenched-fist salute.

"I never knew you were a Communist," Dracul gasped, "there aren't many
Marxists who do their Master's thesis in Art History on the English Pre-
Raphaelites."

"I can't seem to find my lipstick," Senorita Guerrido remarked
as she rummaged through her purse after putting the gun back.

"I notice you're wearing my favourite perfume," were Dracul's
last words before he lost consciousness.

To be continued.

Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?

2007-10-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

It was the penthouse- the top floor of an exclusive
Manhattan apartment building.

And Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been the Russian
Communist Leon Trotsky) was celebrating.

As head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and
Climate Change, he was as pleased as punch (and the
punch was flowing heavily in the apartment as was the
champagne and smoked oysters) that Al Gore
and the UN IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on
Climate Change) had been jointly awarded the Nobel
Peace Prize.

"So are you going to Oslo to accept the prize with Mr.
Gore?" the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat
with her legs crossed in a lavender evening gown
showing her nicely shaped thighs and ankles through
sheer finesse black silk nylon and tapped the spiked
stiletto heel of one of her lavender coloured shoes on the
floor.

"Well, I'd like to but I've been told that IPCC Chairman
Rajendra Pachauri who lives in Delhi will probably
be going to Oslo to accept the award on behalf of
the IPCC and will be appearing with Mr. Gore," Lev Tomi
swallowed an oyster.

"You look disappointed," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"Well, I'd like to have gone and been made a big fuss over,"
Tomi nodded, "plus I'd like to have sampled some of that
Norwegian lutefisk -that salted white fish they serve over in
Norway."

"I've been told by a friend of mine that lutefisk can be
deadly," Qonzilqointec sipped from a glass of champagne,
"In a lutefisk eating competition in Kingman, Alberta, Canada
held a few years ago, a man died after eating 97 plates of
the stuff at one sitting. He won the contest but didn't live
to enjoy the prize."

"What was the prize?" Tomi asked as he reached for an
egg roll.

"A year's supply of lutefisk," Qonzilqointec held out her glass
to receive more champagne from the catering valet.

"I doubt whether I'd be eating that much lutefisk," Tomi salted
his sushi and took a bite.

"You'll be eating none at all if you don't go to Oslo," Qonzilqointec
lifted another toothpick of smoked oyster to her lips.

"That's true," Tomi looked as sad as an Australian cricket fan
in the recent Twenty/20 Cup semi-finals.

"If you want this friend of mine who warned me about the
lutefisk," Qonzilqointec started tapping her stiletto again, "he
knows someone in Delhi who has access to machine gun-toting
bikini babes. We could see that Mr. Pachauri wouldn't be able to
make the trip."

"That might be an idea," Tomi walked over to the samovar
to pour himself a cup of tea.

As he tasted the tea, he wondered to himself why the best tasting tea
out of samovars seemed to have been served in the Czarist era?
An era he had helped put an end to.

"Lemon?" Qonzilqointec held up a lemon for Comrade Tomi's
tea just as a commercial for the latest Chrysler product appeared
on television.

To be continued.

Will Che Rise Again?

2007-10-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had just returned
from a ceremony honouring the memory of Marxist
revolutionary Ernesto Che Guevara who had been
executed in Bolivia 40 years ago today.

In the speech, Chavez had called Che an "infinite
revolutionary".

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dressed
in a vibrant yellow evening dress and sitting on an elegant
sofa in El Presidente's office as Chavez entered the room.

"Impressive speech," Qonzilqointec congratulated Chavez.

"Thank you," President Chavez helped himself to a glass of
tequila, "Ernesto's infinite revolutionary status may soon take
on a more literal meaning."

"What do you mean?" asked Princess Qonzilqointec as she
helped herself to a roasted frog's leg from a tin of roasted
frog legs and placed one on a cracker with a dash of caviar
and proceeded to eat.

"At this moment, I have a Haitian witch doctor, Doctor Bones Duvalier
over at Che's mausoleum in Santa Clara, Cuba where Raul my dear friend
Fidel's brother is presiding over a massive celebration honouring the great
man Che's life," Chavez declined a frog's leg when offered from the vampire
princess, "and this evening he is going to attempt to bring Che back to life
using a little known spell from the extremely rare Haitian Book of the Dead."

"I've never heard of the Haitian Book of the Dead," the Aztec princess tore
into another frog's leg with much relish (and mustard!), "and I've been
around for over half a millenium."

"It turns out the Haitian Book of the Dead is very rare," Chavez dipped
a cracker into some salsa sauce and ate, "so rare in fact, that no one
thought a copy existed. Then some brilliant Caracas librarian made a point
of checking for it on Amazon.com and sure enough they still had a copy.
It will be that copy they're using at tonight's ceremony."

- - -

At the mausoleum of Ernesto Che Guevara in Santa Clara, Cuba:

Raul Castro is inspecting the guard of honour.

At one corner of the site, Dracul Van Helsing stands wearing a fake
Fidel-looking beard and wearing a Cuban revolutionary army hat
and smoking a Cuban cigar.

Hyung Grace Kwan is dressed in the colourful white blouse and
red skirt of a Spanish dancer.

"Which one is Doctor Bones Duvalier?" Hyung asked.

"He's the one up on the honoured guests' platform eating the
plate of Canadian Swiss Chalet style Chicken and Ribs," Dracul
answered , "it's apparently his favourite entree."

"How did he get the name Bones Duvalier?" Hyung asked.

"No one is sure whether it was because he spent a lot of times in
cemeteries as a child or whether his father was an overzealous fan
of the character of Doctor McCoy on the original Star Trek," Dracul explained.

"And only he can read the inscriptions from the Haitian Book of the Dead
that has the power to bring the dead back to ife?" Hyung looked at the
face of Doctor Bones Duvalier.

"Not anymore," Dracul remarked as Doctor Bones Duvalier keeled over
face first into the sour cream of the baked potato.

"He's dead," a Cuban revolutionary guard shouted.

"How did you do that?" Hyung asked with much admiration
in her eyes.

"I was the one who prepared the Swiss Chalet Chicken and Ribs dish,"
Dracul smiled, "for the sauce I used a pinch of some South African mushrooms
that my friend Tim in Port Elizabeth sent me. Those mushrooms had been
prepared at the hotel where Tim works when it was thought that former
Deputy Vice-President Jacob Zuma would be visiting the dining room.
When Zuma didn't show up, Tim sent the specially prepared mushrooms to me
to serve for a special occasion."

"So what was good enough for the Emperor Claudius was good enough
for Duvalier," Hyung spoke with a twinkle in her eyes.

The Way The Fortune Cookie Crumbles

2007-09-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

"oh, I can't believe it," Harry Woo said on the phone to his Chinese mom from New York City, "Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused me of being gay after I interrupted his UN speech. And then he said he didn't have any gays in Iran. oh and afterwards I got a whole bunch of discount coupons to Turkish bath houses in New York given to me. oh, why do people think I need to take a bath... let alone a Turkish one?".

"And that Mr. President," Vice-President Dick Cheney pushed the stop button on the tape recorder, "is part of the conversation that our Homeland Security wiretapping team listened in on."

"Is that all?" President Bush asked.

"Yes," Vice-President Cheney nodded, "the rest of the wiretapping team simultaneously committed hari kari after listening to the rest of the conversation. We suspect that Mr. Woo is a Chinese agent of Beijing somehow trained in the mysterious ancient oriental arts of hypnosis and mind control. He has, we suspect, the ability to cloud men's minds and make them do things they wouldn't necessarily otherwise do."

"Hm, frightening," Bush mused, "I wonder what it's like to have a mind."

To be continued.

Laying Persian Carpet At The UN

2007-09-25T13:54:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec enjoys the sun.

"What are you doing out in the sun?" Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez asked the Aztec vampiress as he strolled out on to the cool cement deck of his People's Swimming Pool (which was for his own avante-garde personal backyard use only), "I didn't think vampires or vampiresses could be exposed to sunlight."

The princess was sitting on the edge of the pool wading her legs in the water.

"The East German scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen working in his Moscow labs in the basement of the Kremlin has developed a special sunscreen lotion for vampiresses," Qonzilqointec answered, "so I'm now able to sit out in the sun without being burned to a crisp... quite literally."

"Nice to hear it," President Chavez helped himself to a pitcher of lime Margarita and poured himself a glass, "I see my very dear friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is going to be making his speech to the UN soon."

The Red Presidente reached for his remote control and turned on the flatscreen High Definition TV attached to his outdoor patio wall.

* * *

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was on the phone to the noted Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"Hello Drac," Harper was looking out the window of his parliamentary office where he noticed Opposition leader Stephane Dion was trying to get his tie out of the car door which he had just slammed it on, "I just got a call from the US Ambassador. Apparently the White House is worried about the effect that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's speech will have on the UN General Assembly."

"That's all right," the Drac-Man replied on his Samsung cell phone, "I've got that covered. Ahmadinejad will soon meet his match."

"Great to hear it, Drac," Harper smiled, "so what are you and your lovely companion Hyung Grace Kwan up to these days?".

"Hyung and I are just about to step on to the floor of the British House of Lords as the personal guests of Lord Tweedsmuir," Dracul replied.

Hyung Grace Kwan waits for Dracul Van Helsing outside the door of the British House of Lords

* * *

Up in the UN translation room the Shi'ite Muslim messiah the Imam Mahdi (who was in the form of a golden serpent) looked down proudly as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was about to give his address to the United Nations.

As Ahmadinejad strolled up to the microphone and started speaking, a loud bang was heard coming from the back of the Assembly Hall as a door slammed and a Chinaman came bursting into the room.

"Excuse me," Harry Woo called out in a loud voice, "I was told there was a sale on Persian carpets going on here today. Anybody here know where I can get a good bargain on a Persian rug?".

To be continued.

Gateway To Mars

2007-08-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

On the South Saskatchewan River near Medicine Hat, a Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant is standing on the banks with a Saint Bernard dog.

A Chinaman with a wide grin approaches the monk.

"Hi Jim, how's it going?" the Chinaman asked.

"Harry Woo, what are you doing here?" Brother Jim Gallant asked, "I asked Dracul Van Helsing to come here."

"oh," Harry replied, "Dracul is still in London, England. Still spying on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and trying to find out what he's up to. Plus Dracul still hasn't recovered from the beating that South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan gave him when she found out that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had just given birth to a child she had after making out with Dracul last November."

"I see," said Brother Jim.

"That Saint Bernard you've got with you?" Harry pointed at the Saint Bernard, "isn't that Dracul Van Helsing's dog Samson?".

"Yes, it is," Brother Jim replied.

"But I thought he was serving a life sentence in a cage at the Camp David dog kennels for defecating on US President George Dubya Bush's shoe a few years ago?" Harry pointed out.

"He was," Brother Jim nodded, "but he escaped from the dog kennels this summer and went and defecated on New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's shoes. As soon as President Bush heard the news that Samson had defecated on Sen. Clinton's shoes, he granted the dog an automatic pardon."

Samson grinned and wagged his tail.

"So, what's he doing with you?" Harry asked.

"They won't let him into Britain because British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has a fetish about his shoes always being clean," Brother Jim remarked.

"So he's staying with you?" Harry asked.

"Yes, although the abbot at the monastery is complaining about Samson eating too much food."

"So, what are you doing in Medicine Hat?" Harry asked "and why did you want Dracul here?".

"The abbot is a friend of the priest at Saint Patrick's Church here in Medicine Hat," Brother Jim answered, "and the priest told him that there's a mysterious serpent that's been seen floating the river here at Medicine Hat. According to an old Indian legend, a demonic serpent spirit ordered a great warrior to sacrifice his wife to him at this particular spot along the river. The warrior first sacrificed his dog...."

Samson immediately goes running the other direction.

"And when that failed to appease the serpent spirit, then the man sacrificed his wife," Brother Jim explained, "and in return the serpent spirit gave the warrior Eagle Birth a Medicine Man's hat which gave Eagle Birth great power and wealth and the ability to heal as a result."

"So you figure this is the same demonic spirit that's haunting the River now?" Harry asked.

"Could be," Brother Jim nodded, "earlier this spring, the priest said he saw a German guy running around Medicine Hat with a bunch of Russian guys. This German guy apparently used a hypodermic needle to extract blood from the serpent. Then the German and the Russians left."

"Where did they go?" Harry asked.

"How should I know?" Brother Jim replied.

"I thought you were smarter than me," Harry said.

* * *

In Pyongyang the North Korean capital, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong was giving a report on his recent visit to Russia.

His audience was the Central Committee of the North Korean Workers' Party. The country's dictator Kim Jong-il oversaw the proceedings sitting on a jade dragon throne.

"Don't mind me while I have a bowel movement," the so-called Dear Leader smiled, "my throne has a special potty hole in it."

"That must be quite a relief, Dear Leader," Vice-President Kim Sum-dong nodded, "anyways the East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen is now doing special experiments for the Kremlin."

"What sort of experiments?" the Dear Leader demanded to know.

"He recently extracted DNA from the blood of a Canadian river serpent and also DNA from the blood of the Egyptian crocodile shape-shifter Sobek and he also managed to get traces of blood from Johnny Depp when he was playing the role of Captain Jack Sparrow in the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie not to mention DNA from the hair of the preserved beard of the real notorious pirate Captain Blackbeard as well as DNA from Naga the Cambodian cobra serpent-god of the waters," Kim Sum-dong explained, "and he used this to create a pirate named Captain Cobra who has recently been attacking US interests on rivers and seas all over the world the past month."

"Wow, this sounds like an Edgar Rice Burroughs novel," the Dear Leader remarked, "is he also working on a gateway to Mars like Burroughs talked about?".

"No but President Putin told me that the real reason President Bush and Prime Minister Blair invaded Iraq was because in 2001 Iraq's Saddam Hussein discovered the ruins of an ancient portal that the Nephilim (the descendents of fallen angels and mortal women that were talked about in Genesis Chapter 6) used as an interdimensional gateway to travel back and forth between Earth and the planet Mars. The Americans and the British did not want Saddam's scientists to figure out how the portal worked with the end result that Iraq would become the first nation to land on Mars not by using space travel but by using this interdimensional portal built by the Nephilim using technological know-how given to them by demons."

"How does this fit in with the materialistic theories of Karl Marx?" the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il asked as he reached for a roll of toilet paper.

* * *

Meanwhile in a dungeon in the basement of the Kremlin, Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak (who had spied on the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong and East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen) was being held a prisoner by the dreaded Russian FSB.

Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak: Held captive in the Kremlin.

Comrade Nicht Werhoffen

2007-08-13T13:54:00.000-07:00

North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong was being given a tour of the Kremlin's secret research facilities by Russian President Vladimir Putin.

"And now Mr. Kim," President Putin entered a conference room, "I'd like you to meet the man in charge of our Special Research and Development Project, Comrade Nicht Werhoffen."

"Comrade Nicht Werhoffen?" the North Korean picked his nose with a chopstick, "that name sounds vaguely familiar for some reason."

"Comrade Nicht Werhoffen was the assistant deputy head of the East German Stasi during the glorious days of the Cold War," Putin smiled, "I first got to know him when I served as a KGB operative in East Berlin."

"I've read about your days as a KGB operative in Germany," Kim continued to pick his nose with a chopstick, "I believe in your autobiography it said that you spent most of your time leafing through the lingerie section of West German department store catalogues."

"That's very true," Putin's eyes positively sparkled in reply, "you know I still kept that chair I used when I used to do that. One of these days I should have that chair steam cleaned and put in my office in the Kremlin."

"I always wondered what became of Comrade Nicht Werhoffen after the collapse of East Germany," Kim wiped the chopstick on the North Korean diplomatic attache's suit, "he seemed to have vanished into thin air."

The 400 lb. Comrade Nicht Werhoffen waved at the trio while he sat at his desk eating 69 Big Macs purchased from a Moscow McDonald's.

"Well as you can see," Putin pointed at the rotund figure, "he did not vanish into thin air."

"I'm going to have to take my suit in to be dry cleaned," the North Korean diplomatic attache started to cry.

"Did he flee to Moscow after the German Democratic Republic went belly-up?" Kim Sum-dong asked.

"Indeed he did," Putin nodded, "after East Germany collapsed in 1990 he fled to Moscow and joined the Soviet KGB. After the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991 he kissed Boris Yeltsin's backside and joined the Russian FSB. He remained with the FSB until I became President in 1999. After becoming President, I named him in charge of my Special Research and Development Project."

"And what is this Special Research and Development that you're having him do?" Kim asked.

"It's part of the asymmetrical warfare we're conducting against Britain, Israel and the United States," Putin started to explain.

In the next room, Ukrainian nationalist vampiress Inna Huculak (who had been spying and eavesdropping on the meeting) turned her eyes and ears from the wall and thought to herself, "The Canadian vampire hunter and geopolitical analyst Dracul Van Helsing must be informed of this immediately."

Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak: "Dracul Van Helsing must be informed of this immediately."

Venezuelan Missiles Ready For Launch

2007-08-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

"Senor Presidente," Venezuelan General Primera addressed Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, "the Russian nuclear missiles we bought are ready to be launched at your immediate command."

"Great," President Chavez smiled, "we wait for President Bush to make certain moves first and then we strike. After all, we don't want history to consider us the warmongers."

To be continued.

To Clone Or Not To Clone?...

2007-08-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was immensely pleased with himself.

Only today they had announced the discovery of an outpost of Alexander the Great on the Kuwaiti island of Failaka. It had been established by Alexander's general Nearchus.

Of course the settlement had been found by archaeologists much earlier.

It was only today the find had been made public.

Among the objects found was a lock of hair in a liquid vial.

The vial itself had been made from ancient glass.

The liquid was some sort of preservative that had also been used in Egyptian mummification.

The lock of hair in the vial was said to belong to Alexander the Great in the inscription on a stone knife below the vial where it was found.

So naturally Set had arranged to get ahold of the vial and had used his laboratories to extract the DNA from the lock of hair.

And now on the same day this discovery of Alexander's outpost at Failaka was announced, Set Laboratories was ready to present the clone of Alexander the Great.

"Ready, Boss?" Renfield enquired.

"Ready," Set smiled.

Renfield pushed a button that turned around the huge glass test tube that contained the body of the Alexander clone.

Renfield and Set both gasped when they looked upon the features of Alexander the Great.

Set swallowed, "He looks familiar."

Renfield agreed and also swallowed, "He certainly does, boss."

Amadeus Emanon (who was busy eating a can of Beluga caviar that he had bought from a duo of Irish sand digging beachcombers on the Irish Sea coast earlier this summer) remarked, "He's the spitting image of Dracul Van Helsing."

"Amadeus, shut up," Set commanded.

"I believe Dracul's third name is Alexander isn't it?" Amadeus started spreading the caviar on a Ritz cracker, "Christopher Dracul Alexander Nicolas Van Helsing. Maybe Alexander is a family name going back generations. Perhaps he's a descendent of Alexander the Great."

"Amadeus, shut up," Renfield pushed a button on another computer, "er... um... computer analysis shows similarity between the DNA of Alexander the Great and Dracul Van Helsing. They are related."

"I believe Dracul is also descended from King Arthur isn't he?" Amadeus quietly munched on his caviar and cracker, "And didn't the 13th century Franciscan friar Roger Bacon who wrote that prophetic book you stole from the Vatican Secret Archives, didn't he predict that your tomb would be rediscovered in the early 20th Century which it was? And didn't he also predict that you'd be eventually slain by a descendent of King Arthur?".

"Amadeus, for the final time, SHUT UP!" Set seethed.

"Boss, do you want me to put this clone of Alexander the Great on ice for a while?" Renfield asked.

"Please do," Set mopped his brow, "And what is our Ziyi Zhang clone up to? The one you've trained to think that she's the real life daughter of Fu Manchu?".

"Well," Renfield beamed proudly as he pushed a button bringing down a large screen projector, "here's a live broadcast from the physics lab at the University of Saint Andrews where said Daughter of Fu Manchu is busy working with levitating objects."

Daughter of Fu Manchu experiments with levitating object at Saint Andrews University, Scotland.

The Daughter of Fu Manchu

2007-08-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

"What are you working on, Renfield?" Amadeus Emanon asked the shapeshifting hamster.

"Another genetic clone," Renfield replied as he sat in a computer control room over the isolation lab of Set Enterprises' Genetics wing.

"Who's this a clone of?" Amadeus asked as he munched on a bag of Sour Cream N' Onion potato chips.

"Ziyi Zhang," Renfield replied.

"Ziyi Zhang the lovely and beautiful Chinese actress who starred in The House of Flying Daggers, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Memoirs of A Geisha?" Amadeus dropped a potato chip on the floor.

"That's the one," Renfield nodded, "you a fan?".

"I must confess I am," Amadeus picked the potato chip off the floor and dipped it in some Green Horse Radish Chip Dip.

"Something you and Dracul Van Helsing share in common," Renfield harrumphed.

"Dracul Van Helsing," Amadeus reached for another potato chip, "I hear he and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had a child last Wednesday."

"A baby girl," Renfield snorted, "her name is Chantal Aishwarya Ziyi Andalucia Qonzilqointec Van Helsing."

"Ziyi," Amadeus nodded, "probably named after Ziyi Zhang I imagine and Aishwarya was probably named after India's leading actress Aishwarya Rai. I like her too."

"Yes," Renfield coughed, "you and Van Helsing seem to have similar taste in women."

"I've been told that I share a similar taste in potato chips with Harry Woo," Amadeus noted.

"What? You only buy bags of potato chips with discount coupons?" Renfield snorted again.

"As a matter of fact, yes," Amadeus bit into another chip.

"Figures," Renfield pushed a button on the control panel.

"Where did you get the DNA from Miss Zhang?" Amadeus brought the dish of Green Horse Radish Chip Dip to his mouth and started slurping away.

"I was in hamster form on the set of Memoirs of A Geisha and when Ziyi Zhang accidently broke one of her long painted fingernails (which I must say caused much consternation and a Chinese language spaz attack on the set), I ran off with it to extract the DNA," Renfield beamed.

"Wouldn't some of the nail polish have gotten in with the DNA as well?" Amadeus asked.

"Amadeus shut up!" Renfield ordered.

"Wow, there she is," Amadeus looked through the window into the Genetics lab.

"That's right," Renfield laughed, "my own little Ziyi Zhang clone."

"What are you going to do with her?" Amadeus asked as he finished slurping the last of the horse radish chip dip.

"Well I've programmed her mind with the writings of Sax Rohmer and the Christopher Lee Fu Manchu Hammer Studios Films of the 1960s," Renfield cackled, "I've programmed her to think she's the real life daughter of Fu Manchu."

"Why?" Amadeus searched through his wallet to try to find a Steak and Kidney Pie discount coupon.

"Because with the evil mindset she now has and with her looks," Renfield smiled, "she'll be our secret weapon to lure in Dracul Van Helsing into our clutches."

The shapeshifting hamster then laughed like Vincent Price at the end of the Michael Jackson song Thriller.

Renfield's masterpiece the genetically created Daughter of Fu Manchu:
Ready and waiting to lure in the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing

Bridge Over Troubled Water

2007-08-03T18:21:00.000-07:00

Early Wednesday evening, August 1st, 2007.

The two boys stood on the bank of the Mississippi River that flowed through the city of Minneapolis, Minnesota.

They could see that evening traffic rush hour had begun on the Minneapolis Bridge.

"Did you know," Henry said to Jimmy, "that some mysterious phantom pirate figure has been killing people around the world the past couple of weeks?"

"You're making that up," Jimmy said.

"No, I'm not," Henry protested, "various blogging sites around the world have noted it. This pirate first killed a couple of fishermen off the coast of Maine. Then he killed a whole bunch of US Coast Guard officers off the coast of South Carolina. And only yesterday he killed a CIA agent on the Nile River not far from Cairo."

"How's he able to get his pirate ship around the world so fast?" Jimmy demanded to know.

"I don't know," Henry shrugged his shoulders, "it's obviously a supernatural pirate ship. It seems to come out of nowhere."

"Both you and those bloggers you read are crazy," Jimmy laughed.

"Are not," Henry's face turned red.

"Are too," Jimmy stuck his tongue out at him.

"Oh my gosh, look, there it is," Henry pointed at the tall vast pirate ship with the huge mast that he saw.

"There what is?" Jimmy looked in the direction Henry was pointing but could see nothing.

"You see it don't you?" Henry looked at Jimmy curiously, "that tall black ship with the pirates' flag on its sails and that huge black mast? And that huge blood red lettering on the front of the ship? LEVIATHAN?".

"You're making that up," Jimmy screamed at Henry.

It dawned on Henry that Jimmy couldn't see the ship.

Maybe Jimmy was right.

Maybe he was crazy.

"Look... look... Jimmy," Henry pointed again, "there it is. It's headed right for the bridge. And its huge mast is going to clip that bridge."

"I'm going to clip your nose, pal," Jimmy raised his fist.

Then he stopped as both boys heard a cracking sound.

They both turned to look and in a space of only 4 seconds, the Minneapolis Bridge collapsed and came down like a house of cards.

Both boys looked in horror.

Henry even more so.

For further down stream, a pirate captain figure stood on the back of the ship smiling at the collapsed bridge.

The pirate captain had the head of a crocodile and the tongue of a snake.

And in his arm that was made of flesh (and not metallic like his other arm), he held a living cobra.

The pirate threw the cobra into the waters of the Mississippi where it seemed to swim in the direction of the motor vehicles that were now in the water.

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec Gives Birth On Lammas Night August 1st 2007

2007-08-01T20:11:00.000-07:00

BORN: to Qonzilqointec Princess Royal of the Aztecs, High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl and Vampiress Extraordinaire

-and-

Christopher Dracul Alexander Nicolas Van Helsing, Canadian vampire hunter extraordinaire, Geopolitical analyst and noted Aristotelian/Thomistic philosopher and theologian

a baby girl weighing 7 lbs. 7 oz.

named Chantal Aishwarya Ziyi Andalucia Qonzilqointec Van Helsing

Olympic priestesses in Olympia, Greece mark the birth of Dracul Van Helsing's daughter Chantal with the lighting of an Olympic torch

The Nile Turns To Blood... Again

2007-07-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

Bjorn Admunssen was not a Swedish citizen.

He was American.

A CIA operative in Cairo.

And this evening he was sailing down the Nile.

Not for pleasure.

But due to a strange phenomenon that had been reported only hours ago.

The waters of the Nile had turned to blood.

Like in Biblical times.

As the boat sailed down the Nile, Bjorn thought to himself, "What's causing this?".

"Bjorn Admunssen?" a voice called from behind him.

Bjorn turned and there stood the pirate Captain Cobra with his crocodile head and serpent's tongue.

"What the Hell are you?" Bjorn pulled out his gun.

"You will soon find out," Cobra knocked the gun out of Bjorn's hand and proceeded to cut open the man's stomach.

As Bjorn lay dying, Captain Cobra knelt down beside the CIA agent and whispered, "By the way did you know your President's grandfather Prescott Bush was involved in a plot to overthrow FDR in 1933 and establish a Fascist government in America? Looks like the grandson is succeeding where the grandfather failed."

Bjorn tried to speak...

"I'm not lying," Cobra smiled, "this I know for BBC Radio 4 tells me so."

Bjorn died.

"And your own Hell will be wondering what sort of government you were serving in the last years of your mortal life," Cobra pushed Bjorn's body into the Nile River.

BBC Radio 4 July 23rd, 2007 reported that Prescott Bush had been involved in a plot by powerful American businessmen to overthrow FDR and establish a Fascist government in America.

Massacre At Sea

2007-07-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

The US Coast Guard ship Charleston pulled up aside what appeared to be an abandoned vessel- the US Coast Guard ship Penzance.

"When was the last radio call received from her?" Lt. Cahill asked.

"Less than a hour ago," the radio dispatcher replied, "the last report was she had spotted a suspicious ship and was tempting to board her. Then she reported the ship just vanished."

Lt. Cahill boarded Penzance and began searching.

To his horror in every room, he found people with their throats slashed from ear to ear and all their intestines disembowelled.

"What the Hell happened here?" Lt. Cahill asked.

The door opened suddenly and in stepped the crocodile headed serpent tongued pirate Captain Cobra with a chainsaw for a hook of an arm.

"Drop the what," Captain Cobra smiled, "Hell happened here."

And with that the Cobra captain slashed Lt. Cahill's throat.

To be continued.

Captain Cobra

2007-07-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Tony and Fernando had launched their small fishing boat off the coast of Maine in hopes of catching lobster.

It was a glorious day.

The catch had been fairly good.

As the sun started to set (a very golden sunset), Tony thought he saw a ship approach.

Tony rubbed his eyes.

The ship looked like ships he had seen in museums. Old pirate ships from the 18th century.

Fernando asked his partner, "Do you see what I see?".

Tony asked back, "You mean you see it too?".

Fernando nodded.

The ship approached. On its side were the words LEVIATHAN.

A crew appeared out of nowhere on the ship.

The crew looked like it had walked off the set of a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, only the costumes looked much more real and authentic.

A pirate who looked like the Creature From the Black Lagoon gazed his head at them.

"Kill them all," said the pirate Creature who was presumably the Captain.

"Who are you?" Tony managed to ask before his neck was snapped.

"Cobra," the creature's tongue moved out of its head in the shape of a snake, "Captain Cobra. And soon the whole nautical world will have heard of me."

To be continued.

Dan Brown On The Feast Day of St. Mary Magdalene

2007-07-22T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today July 22nd is the Feast Day of St. Mary Magdalene

On this Feast Day of St. Mary Magdalene after the sun had set over his estate's large garden in London, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was meeting with a huge winged Red Dragon and a rather grotesque looking winged gargoyle of a creature.

"That Red Dragon," Amadeus Emanon pointed to the creature as he ate his peanut butter and pickle sandwich while sitting on a park bench in the garden, "isn't that the same Red Dragon that the Korean vampiress Kwan Yin battled with over the Great Wall of China back on 7/7/7 when the 7 Wonders of the Modern World were being announced?".

Renfield looked up from the Penthouse magazine he was reading, "Yes, I believe it is."

"Who's that other strange creature with him?" Amadeus asked as he opened the jar of pickles and the jar of peanut butter to make another sandwich.

"That weird winged thing that looks like it could pass for Hillary Rodham Clinton's identical twin brother you mean?" Renfield queried as he started to remove the staples from the Penthouse pin-up girl.

"That's the one," Amadeus nodded.

"That's Mammon the ancient Babylonian god of Banking and Commerce," Renfield replied.

"Is he the one that Christ talked about when He said 'You cannot serve both God and Mammon'?" Amadeus asked as he bit into his second peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

"He's the very same one but I wouldn't mention Christ's Name around here if I was you," Renfield started licking the centerfold pin-up.

"What are they talking about anyways?" Amadeus asked.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, the huge winged Red Dragon and the Babylonian demon god Mammon seemed to be having a very animated conversation.

"Barclay's Bank is hoping to buy control of the Dutch banking giant ABN," Renfield replied between swallowing staples, "and in order to buy control, Barclay's is going to raise about 10 billion pounds from the Chinese and the Singaporean governments in order to do so. If the deal goes ahead, the Beijing government will hold 7% of the shares in Barclay's and Temasek the investment arm of the Singaporean government will hold a 3% share in Barclay's."

"So I take it Set, the Red Dragon and Mammon are in favour of the deal?" Amadeus licked his fingers as the peanut butter and pickle slid gently down his throat.

"Yes," Renfield screamed as he accidently got a staple stuck in his tongue.

Meanwhile Mammon vomitted forth 3 ugly and grotesque frogs while the Red Dragon watched.

"Well, his supper mustn't have agreed with him," Amadeus helped himself to another slice of bread, some pickles and some peanut butter.

* * *

Wandering through southern France, the Spanish vampire Manuel de Rivera y Vargas received a text message on his cell phone from the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

The text message read, "The Egyptian vampire Set, the Red Dragon and the Babylonian demon god Mammon are setting themselves up as the new Unholy Trinity of the world this year."

Manuel paused to look in the direction of the local village church Saint Mary Magdalene's.

Manuel could recognize Da Vinci Code book author Dan Brown climbing the steeple of the Church. As he reached the top, Brown cried out, "O sweet Magdalene, Divine Incarnation of the Goddess Sophia, on this your Feast Day celebrated by the blasphemous Roman Catholic Church, if you are not who I believe you to be, then may the True Deity hit me with a thunderbolt where now I stand."

"Lemonade, monsieur?" a little girl at a lemonade stand asked the Spanish vampire as he stood in the street watching a thunderbolt coming out of the perfectly clear night sky. It hit Mr. Brown and sent the lighteningly illuminated writer tumbling forth to the ground.

"Merci, ma petite amie," Manuel put down a Euro note and helped himself to the glass of lemonade he was offered.

"Be careful what you wish for," a Red Dragon quoted that ancient Chinese saying as he flew overhead followed by a large dirigible of Bank of England pound notes.

The statue of Saint Mary Magdalene and the Church remained unaffected by the mysterious lightening strike of Saint Mary Magdalene's Night, July 22nd, 2007

Dracul Van Helsing and The Harry Potter Book Launch

2007-07-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

Dracul Van Helsing's photos of the Harry Potter book launch.
Hyung Grace Kwan is dressed as Cho Chang in the third pic on the right.

The Vampiress Angelique Dumont's younger sister Maria Dumont
reads an earlier Harry Potter book while in line to get her copy
of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Tristine dressed as a witch couldn't wait to read her copy of
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows upon buying it.

Dracul Van Helsing took this photo of actress Katie Leung who plays
Harry's love interest Cho Chang in the movie Harry Potter and the Order
of the Phoenix.

July Missile Crisis?

2007-07-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown waved off questions from the British press about Moscow's tit-for-tat expulsion of 4 British diplomats in Moscow.

There were other matters that the British press and British public did not know about.

There was the continued business of MI6 agent Millo Wilson being held hostage by Russian FSB vampiress Svetlana Kireeva.

And last night the RAF had to scramble as Russian bomber jets flew over Scotland.

Why Scotland?

Because Scotland was the home of new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Just as the serpent Imam Mahdi's Muslim terrorist scumbags were including Glasgow in their series of potential Mohammedan terrorist strikes, so was Russia's neo-Stalinist President Vladimir Putin sending potentially lethal things against Scotland as well.

Putin was playing hardball with Brown and everyone knew it.

Earlier this week, Putin had pulled out of the 1990 Conventional Forces in Europe Treaty.

So what else was Putin up to?

Earlier this evening, Cuban President Fidel Castro had received a strange communique from Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, "Where you failed, I shall succeed."

Fidel put down his reading glasses.

What did Comrade Hugo possibly mean by that?

Meanwhile in a remote location of Venezuelan jungle, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had flown in to meet a group of Russian planes.

Col. Yuri Smirnoff saluted President Chavez.

"El Presidente, your nuclear missiles," the Colonel smiled.

"We are fortunate aren't we," Chavez smiled at Col. Smirnoff, "that George W. Bush is no Jack Kennedy."

To be continued.

Hugo Chavez Turns Against The Theotokos

2007-07-17T15:33:00.000-07:00

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was shedding tears

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was shedding tears in the living room of her air conditioned apartment in Mexico City.

Lev Tomi (aka the Russian Communist vampire Leon Trotsky) was shocked to see her in this state.

Tomi had dropped by to discuss the Aztec vampiress' plans to start a Draft Gore movement within the US Democratic Party.

Both Lev Tomi (in his capacity as UN Secretary of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change) and Princess Qonzilqointec desired to see Al Gore as the next President of the United States.

What had upset the Princess was an e-mail she had received from the Office of Hugo Chavez the President of Venezuela.

Princess Qonzilqointec had been aware that the Venezuelan government of Hugo Chavez was going to take control of the Virgen de Coromoto Hospital in the Venezuelan city of Maracaibo this coming August 5th.

What she was unaware of until now was that President Chavez would be changing the name of the hospital from Virgen de Coromoto Hospital to Ernesto Che Guevara Hospital.

And not only that but President Chavez had ordered the removal of the venerated statue of Our Lady the Virgen de Coromoto from the front of the hospital.

The little Bolshevik Lt. Col. Hugo had ordered that it be replaced by a bust of the Marxist guerrilla fighter Che Guevara.

"But I thought you'd approve of Comrade Chavez's efforts to eliminate symbols of primitive superstition and replace it with symbols of the coming glowing Marxist New Age New World Order," Lev spoke softly.

"Get out," she threw the pot of steaming hot tea at him.

After the hot tea singed his beard, Tomi left the room with some degree of discomfort and agony.

Father Armand Vesuvian SJ who was Pope Benedict XVI's personal investigator of paranormal phenomena entered the Princess' apartment.

"So your child will be born in another few weeks your Highness?" the Jesuit priest spoke.

"Yes," the Princess nodded.

She had conceived the child back on Dia de los Muertos November 2nd in a night of passionate lovemaking with the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"And you want the child to be baptised Catholic and raised by nuns," Father Vesuvian spoke.

The princess nodded.

"And I see you're currently shedding tears over Hugo Chavez's blasphemy against Our Lady the Virgen de Coromoto who is the Patron Saint of Venezuela," Father Vesuvian noted, "and yet despite the tears you now shed for the Communist Chavez's war against the Theotokos (Mother of God), you still serve the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl plotting to have him become the head of a One World Government in 2012. Don't you know that you can't serve both Christ and Quetzalcoatl?".

"We beg to differ," said a couple of young Mormon missionaries who had just entered the room.

To be continued.

Our Lady the Virgen de Coromoto
Patron Saint of Venezuela
whom Hugo Chavez seeks to replace with the head of a serpent in human form
the Marxist terrorist Ernesto Che Guevara

Svetlana Kireeva On Saint Vladimir's Day

2007-07-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

Photograph of Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva FSB Agent and aide to Russian President Vladimir Putin torturing British MI6 Agent Millo Wilson

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gulped as he looked at the photograph of British MI6 Agent Millo Wilson being tortured by Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva.

PDQ NotBach the head of Section Orestes of MI6 had only received the photograph via courier today.

"I imagine now that I've expelled the 4 Russian diplomats, Agent Wilson's torture will be a lot worse," Brown frowned.

"We expect so," NotBach nodded as he listened to a rendition of Johann Sebastian Bach's Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring on his I-pod MP3 player.

"But why didn't my predecessor Tony Blair tell me that a British intelligence agent was being held hostage in the whole Alexander Litvinenko affair?" Brown opened his desk drawer and took out a dart and threw it at the dartboard with the photo of Tony Blair on his office wall.

"With all due respect, Mr. Brown," PDQ NotBach coughed in unison with the cannonfire in the rendition of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture now playing on his I-pod, "but Mr. Blair did not know about it. Heck even MI6 wasn't aware of it. If I hadn't run into Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in a London fish and chip shop this morning, I wouldn't have known about it."

"But you say that Millo Wilson was being held captive by the Russian FSB for over a month now," Brown took a sip of his Scotch broth soup, "why didn't Clinton Williams our MI6 operative at the British Embassy in Moscow inform us of Agent Wilson being missing in the field in the first place."

"Well actually Agent Wilson didn't go missing in the field," PDQ NotBach corrected the Prime Minister as he listened to the Beatles sing I Wanna Hold Your Hand on his I-pod, "he originally went missing in the Ladies' washroom of a trendy Moscow nightclub and dance spot."

"I don't care where Agent Wilson went missing," Prime Minister Brown shit himself in exasperation, "what I want to know is why Moscow based MI6 liason officer Clinton Williams didn't report Agent Wilson missing?".

Prime Minister Brown pushed the intercom button on his desk and asked his secretary to bring him a fresh change of underwear.

As Strawberry Fields Forever played in the background on his I-pod MP3 player, PDQ NotBach answered, "Well Clinton Williams has been taking a long tea break he wrote on his last report sent us June 2nd of this year."

"He hasn't been back at his desk since June 2nd?" Gordon Brown looked shocked, "That is a long tea break." The Prime Minister downed the final sip of his month old cup of tea.

"Clinton Williams' tea break came to an end earlier today," PDQ NotBach replied as the Talking Heads sang on the i-pod Our house in the middle of our street... "after he was arrested in a morning raid in a Dublin bordello."

"Clinton Williams was arrested in a morning raid on a Dublin bordello?" Prime Minister Brown frowned.

"Yes," PDQ NotBach nodded.

"What?" Brown fumed, "Aren't our London bordellos good enough for him?".

"Apparently not," PDQ NotBach listened to Paddy O'Reilly singing... And watch the sun go down on Galway Bay... "the raid on the bordello probably never would have happened if one of the girls hadn't overcharged the Dublin police chief."

"Your fresh change of underwear, Mr. Brown," the secretary walked into the British Prime Minister's office.

* * *

As British Prime Minister Gordon Brown goes in for a fresh change of
underwear, what new tortures await British MI6 Agent Millo Wilson (youthful professor emiritus of Classics and Latin at Oxford University) at the hands of Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva? on this July 16th which is Harry Potter's birthday which is also Saint Vladimir's Day! (Saint Vladimir being one of the patron Saints of Russia)

Svetlana Kireeva says, "HAPPY SAINT VLADIMIR'S DAY, MR. WILSON!"

Princess Qonzilqointec on Live Earth Day 07-07-07

2007-07-07T18:46:00.000-07:00

Princess Qonzilqointec kneels before a banner of the Aztec serpent god
Quetzalcoatl

It was July 7th, 2007. The Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was kneeling on the top of the Mayan pyramid at Chichen Itza in southeastern Mexico.

On this date 7/7/7, the pyramid at Chichen Itza had just been voted one of the 7 New Wonders of the World.

The other six selected were the Great Wall of China, the Inca city of Machu Picchu in Peru, Brazil's Statue of Christ the Redeemer, the Colosseum in Rome, the city of Petra in Jordan and the Taj Mahal in India.

Princess Qonzilqointec had received a text message from Dracul Van Helsing on her cell phone.

The text message consisted of just one sentence, "And in my opinion the 8th Wonder of the World is the Temple at Angkor Wat, Cambodia."

Qonzilqointec had to laugh.

She knew that Dracul Van Helsing the father of her child was very fond of the Temple at Angkor Wat, Cambodia.

On this date 7/7/7, she knelt in front of a banner of her spiritual father the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl which she had placed on top of the Mayan pyramid at Chichen Itza on this special occasion.

Above the Inca city of Machu Picchu in Peru, holographic images of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and UN Environment and Climate Change Secretary Lev Tomi (really the Russian Communist vampire Leon Trotsky whom Qonzilqointec had made a vampire in 1940) were being beamed above it.

Over the Great Wall of China, a huge Red Dragon had appeared in the sky.

The Korean vampiress Kwan Yin (a distant ancestor of the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan) was sailing through the skies in a red balloon to combat the Dragon.

Over the Jordanian city of Petra, a huge image of the Lord Maitreya and a huge image of a golden serpent had appeared.

Over the Taj Mahal in India, a huge image of Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction had appeared.

Over the Colosseum in Rome, a huge image of the Emperor Caligula riding his horse (whom he had named to the Roman Senate) had appeared.

This image of Caligula was being cast by a hologram created by Renfield the evil shape-shifting hamster who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

At the same time another image- this one of Harry Potter- was also appearing over the Colosseum in Rome. Potter's image was on one side of the colosseum while Caligula's was on the other side.

The image of Harry Potter was being cast by a hologram created by Amadeus Emanon the genetically created clone who served as the billionaire vampire Set's personal concert pianist and reluctant contract assasin.

Amadeus had created the hologram to give publicity to one of his favourite literary characters Harry Potter whose 7th and final book in J.K. Rowling's series of novels would be released on July 21st, 2007.

"What?" Renfield's jaw fell open at the TV screen shot of Rome's Colosseum, "what's an image of Harry Potter doing over the same place where I'm trying to cast an image of the Emperor Caligula?".

Amadeus who was busy operating his own controls through his mobile phone chuckled softly in the background.

Over the statue of Christ the Redeemer in the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro, a huge holographic image of Al Gore towered above the statue of Christ saying "Heal the planet!".

Meanwhile in movie theatres all over the globe on this day 7/7/7, a mysterious film noir looking photo of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec suddenly appeared on movie screens and remained there for 7 minutes and 7 seconds.

This image of Princess Qonzilqointec appeared in movie theatres all over the globe
on this date 7/7/7.
The image lasted on the screen for 7 minutes and 7 seconds.

Meanwhile over in London, England as Dracul Van Helsing went to the refrigerator to help himself to a bottle of ginger beer, Hyung Grace Kwan saw the image of Al Gore appearing over the statue of Christ the Redeemer as she sat on the sofa watching events unfold across the globe on the television set in their hotel suite.

As Hyung adjusted the high-heeled shoe on her right foot, she thought to herself, "Dracul's really going to be ticked off over the fact that Al Gore's image is being placed above Christ's."

Hyung Grace Kwan: "Dracul's really going to be ticked off over the fact that Al Gore's image is being placed above Christ's."

Hugo Chavez Moves Beyond The Pale

2007-05-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had poured himself a glass of French champagne.

The leader of the Bolivarian Socialist Movement and champion of the poor felt that he deserved it.

Just because one was a champion of the poor doesn't mean one couldn't have champagne tastes.

And Hugo Chavez was celebrating.

Yesterday at midnight, RCTV in Caracas which was Venezuela's oldest TV network went off the air.

Radio Caracas Television was also the sole remaining opposition broadcast media- one not controlled by the state (the state which was now controlled by Hugo Chavez). After his re-election in December of last year, the Venezuelan Assembly had voted Chavez the power to rule by decree.

Like Hitler after the Reichstag had granted him similar powers, Chavez was on his way to becoming a total dictator.

And the opposition RCTV was now no more.

As Lev Tomi the Secretary-General of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change (really the vampire Leon Trotsky who had been turned into a vampire by Princess Qonzilqointec in Mexico City back in 1940) watched Chavez raise a glass as pro-RCTV demonstrators were chased by police, Tomi could not help but think that "Chavez has become another Stalin."

Not that Lev Tomi (aka Leon Trotsky) was as pure as the driven snow.

For if Lev Tomi ever one day became head of a global government- a One World Order that would be a New World Order known as the U.S.S.R.G.P. (Union of Soviet Socialist Republics of Gaia the Planet), he Trotsky would become another Stalin. A Stalin on a global scale.

As the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec watched the news in Mexico City, she too drank champagne. Dressed in her gold evening dress, she sat in a velvet chair and watched on CNN the closing of RCTV in Caracas.

For Hugo Chavez's Bolivarian Socialist Revolution was part of her plan.

A part of her plan to bring all the governments of the world under the rule of her father Quetzalcoatl in 2012.

In London, England, Dracul Van Helsing sat reading an article on the Net in which someone calling himself the Maitreya had written that Chavez's socialist revolution was a necessary prelude to the coming Age of Peace and Justice which the Maitreya was promising.

"That's the same Maitreya who's that shape-shifting golden serpent we've seen driving around in Set's limousine," Hyung Grace Kwan dressed in a red dress and sitting beside him asked as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"That's the one," Dracul nodded.

Hugo Chavez, Lev Tomi, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Maitreya- the true Axis of Evil in the world.

In Mexico City, Qonzilqointec sipped champagne.

In London, Dracul sipped ginseng tea.

RCTV Employees in Caracas cry after the channel is pulled off the air.

Spanking From Qonzilqointec

2007-05-02T19:33:00.001-07:00

The Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec awaits Dracul Van Helsing

As Dracul Van Helsing returned to his London hotel room, there waiting on the bed for him was the Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec.

She was dressed in the evening dress of an 18th-century Venetian duchess.

"Wow, you look beautiful! Positively stunning!" Dracul smiled at her.

"Thanks," Qonzilqointec smiled back.

She arose and sat up on the bed looking at him.

"My spies tell me that you've been trapsing around London the past few weeks with South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan," Qonzilqointec now frowned an austere imperial frown, "I heard you won a karaoke rock singing contest at the Elephant and Castle Pub with her.
And that you were also singing and performing on stage with her at the bridal shower for Lord Tweedsmuir's goddaughter last weekend. And that British music agent Nathan Rachmaninoff wants the two of you to become professional rock singers."

"That's all true," Dracul had to admit.

Qonzilqointec looked over at Hyung Grace Kwan's large wooden paddle which lay on the bedroom dresser in front of the mirror.

"Plus I see she's been administering to you a prerogative which should be solely mine," Qonzilqointec fumed.

She reached for her purse and brought out a heavy wooden hairbrush.

"Take your clothes off and get over my knee," Qonzilqointec commanded as she adjusted her dress on the bed.

Dracul did exactly as he was told.

After he lay across Qonzilqointec's lap, she held him down with one gloved hand and then used her other gloved hand to firmly administer a strong severe spanking on his buttocks.

Princess Qonzilqointec reads quietly after administering justice to Dracul Van Helsing's backside.

Hyung Grace Kwan Returns

2007-04-07T10:25:00.000-07:00

It was Saturday night in Tokyo.

And South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan had just won a karaoke contest in Tokyo.

South Korean vampire huntress
Hyung Grace Kwan wins Tokyo
karaoke contest.

Miss Hyung ironically had as an ancestor someone who was now a living vampiress.

That individual was Kwan Yin a Korean princess.

But Kwan Yin was a good and kind vampiress who did not kill or harm anyone.

In fact Kwan Yin was worshipped as the Goddess of Compassion by Buddhist practitioners in Korea, northern China, northern Japan and southeastern Indonesia.

After winning the karaoke contest, Hyung Grace Kwan got a call on her cell phone from Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters.

Seems like the noted Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing was falling down on the job again.

Instead of trying to stop the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set from his evil operations, Dracul had been busy having dreams about a supposed Rabid Rabbit Vampire of Herefordshire.

Dracul had written down these dreams and had composed a Gilbert and Sullivan style operetta which he called interestingly enough The Rabid Rabbit Vampire of Herefordshire.

Dracul had met with singer/songstress vampiress Angelique Dumont and a West End London producer to see about getting the operetta produced.

Oh well she knew how to take care of Dracul and get him in line Hyung Grace Kwan thought to herself as she put her wooden hairbrush and also a paddle inside her purse.

South Korean vampire huntress
Hyung Grace Kwan
from tackling Tokyo karaoke
to tackling Dracul Van Helsing.

Lakhlita Dhapour and Dracul Van Helsing

2007-02-10T18:46:00.000-08:00

Lakhlita Dhapour's red sports car wasn't going very fast after running over broken glass.

It had been a fabulous 3 days for the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Lakhlita Dhapour India's top vampire huntress since Dracul and Lakhlita had first met on the lawn in Saint James' Park.

Lakhlita Dhapour who was also an intelligence agent for India's intelligence agency the Cabinet Secretariat Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) had come to London to track down a shape-shifter who was working in cahoots with Pakistan's ISI (Inter-Services Intelligence).

This shape-shifter still had not been spotted in human form but in the form of a golden serpent.

It had come to the attention of RAW that this shape-shifting golden serpent had been seen making contact with the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

So RAW sent to London an agent who was also an accomplished vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour.

Lakhlita and Dracul had spent a lot of time sightseeing and making out.

Lakhlita then received a message from RAW Headquarters in New Delhi to her cell phone, "When are you going to get some work done?".

Dracul likewise received a message from the Athens Headquarters of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters, "when are you going to get some work done?".

So last night they had a stakeout in front of Set's colossal London home using Lakhlita's red sports car.

About 6 in the morning as Dracul was busy with his tongue in Lakhlita's mouth, Lakhlita suddenly cried out that someone was leaving the mansion.

Dracul sat back in the passenger seat and Lakhlita adjusted her short white pleated skirt before stepping on the pedal and the clutch with her high-heeled shoes as the red car followed the Rolls-Royce limousine.

"I think someone is following us," Amadeus Emanon stated as he sat alongside a golden serpent and Renfield in the comfortable back seat of the limousine.

"Now you're going to see that I use boxes of thumb tacks for more than sticking tacks into thumbs during my unauthorized interrogation sessions on behalf of Set Industries," Renfield stated as he rolled down the window and threw a box of tacks out on to the street.

"You'll also see why I never recycle," Renfield added as he thew a carton of empty beer bottles out the window.

As Amadeus, Renfield and the shapeshifting golden serpent headed off to Lambeth Palace for a meeting with Rowan Williams the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom Dracul Van Helsing called the ArchDruid of Canterbury), Lakhlita called for a tow truck on her cell phone.

Later at the garage:

Lakhlita Dhapour to Dracul Van Helsing:
"So Drac, we'll have to use your car when visiting Lovers' Lane tonight."

Shilpa Shetty Meets Tony Blair

2007-02-07T13:29:00.000-08:00

Shilpa Shetty went to Parliament and thanked Tony Blair.

Shilpa Shetty the winner of the UK Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother contest was invited to Parliament.

She watched the Prime Minister's Question Period in the House of Commons and was invited to meet British Prime Minister Tony Blair afterwards.

Said Shilpa of the meeting, "He was very very kind and said he was very sad to see what I had to go through in there". Miss Shetty was referring to the bullying and racist taunts she endured in the Big Brother house.

The Commons chef prepared a special dessert in her honour called "Shilpa's delight".

Miss Shetty met many MPs and Lords.

Among the Lords she met was Lord Tweedsmuir the House of Lords' resident expert on Russia and China and their geopolitical influence in the world.

Lord Tweedsmuir had as his escort one Angelique Dumont the vampiress songstress and star of the current production of The Phantom of the Opera going on in London's West End.

As Shilpa went through the cloud of well wishers, she happened to recognize the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"Dracul," she went up and kissed him, "I read your letter to BBC News defending me."

"You're welcome my dear," Dracul kissed her hand, "anything for a lady."

"Would you like to hear my Winston Churchill impersonation?" British Conservative leader David Cameron grabbed her.

"Didn't I see you at the Davos Summit with Princess Qonzilqointec?" Tony Blair asked Dracul as he passed by him.

"You did," Dracul smiled.

"She helped me write my speech on Climate Change," Blair shook Dracul's hand and went on to speak to Lord Tweedsmuir.

Dracul thought to himself, "Yes, Qonzie is busy promoting a Climate Change agenda as are the Environmental whackos. 2012 is the year the Kyoto Protocol must be fulfilled- coincidentally 2012 is also the year the feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl is supposed to return according to Mayan and Aztec prophecies."

And of course Qonzilqointec had also got the UN to appoint the Russian Communist vampire Leon Trotsky (now living Undead and vampirically under the pseudonym Lev Tomi) as the new Secretary of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change.

Dracul Van Helsing looked in the direction of Lord Tweedsmuir.

Behind him stood Angelique Dumont.

Angelique Dumont had been turned into a vampiress by Dracul's good friend the Spanish vampire concert pianist Manuel de Rivera y Vargas as she lay dying in a flooded New Orleans mausoleum that had just been flooded by the waves of Hurricane Katrina.

Angelique had worked briefly as Dracul's night time secretary in his Private Eye office before she landed the part of Christine in the latest London West End production of The Phantom of the Opera.

He had been told that she seemed to be hanging around Lord Tweedsmuir quite a bit.

Dracul wondered what she was up to.

After having tea and some of the special Shilpa's Delight dessert, Dracul then left Westminster.

It had been a whirlwind couple of weeks. Davos, Switzerland. Then London. Then a trip to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to celebrate Groundhog Day with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

And now London again.

He was glad he had been in London to mark Shilpa Shetty's triumphal visit to Parliament.

Dracul went for a walk through Saint James' Park.

As he did so, Dracul Van Helsing noticed sitting on the grass another person he recognized from the land of India- India's top vampire huntress Miss Lakhlita Dhapour.

India's vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour smiled at Dracul Van Helsing
as she saw him approach.

What Happened To Ishmael's Ram?

2007-02-05T14:44:00.000-08:00

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set entered the dining room where Renfield and Amadeus were sitting. Renfield was eating a tuna sandwich and Amadeus was reading a newspaper.

"Renfield," Set spoke in an angry tone.

"Yes, boss," Renfield gulped. He was familiar with that tone.

"You told me last week a plot by the Pakistani ISI that was funded by a pro-al-Qaeda Saudi prince was going to occur," Set seethed, "a plot backed by that golden serpent shape-shifter that's recently appeared on the world supernatural scene- that serpent shape-shifter who calls himself the Imam Mahdi- a plot known as Ishmael's Ram was going to happen in America."

"I believed that it would," Renfield's face turned so ghostly white that Amadeus thought Renfield was shapeshifting back into a hamster.

"Well, I don't recall reading in today's paper about thousands and thousands of people keeling over at yesterday's Super Bowl in Miami," Set threw his own newspaper to the floor where the billionaire Egyptian's pet jackal Anubis promptly crapped all over it.

"It was my understanding that the Carrier as he was called in Islamic circles was being flown on a plane to Miami and the isolation lab he was in would then be driven by truck to the Super Bowl where the Carrier would be released and would wander around the stadium infecting hundreds of thousands of people who would then fly home all across the US and infect others. It would be a 24-hour gestation period before any signs would show up," Renfield explained.

"But I hear nothing at all on the News about any sickness being spread among humans at the moment," Set seethed still, "what happened?".

"Er..." Renfield gulped again, "I just got a text message on my cell phone that the Pakistani plane was vapourized by a laser death ray satellite while flying across the Pacific just east of the Philippines."

"Laser death ray satellite?" Set approached Renfield, "They're not supposed to officially exist. In fact neither the Russians nor the Americans nor the Chinese have a fully operational laser death ray satellite. Only my company Set Enterprises has a fully operational laser death ray satellite. Are you saying one of our satellites vapourized the Ishmael's Ram plane?".

Renfield looked at the serial number on the magnified photo of the culprit laser death ray satellite and gulped again, "Um... yep... it was one of ours."

"How's that possible?" Set screamed, "only you and I know the access codes to that satellite."

Renfield turned white again, "Boss, it wasn't me... I swear..."

Set looked at Renfield, "I know it couldn't be you. I know you're not the type of person to stop such wanton death and destruction as would be carried out by the Carrier. You'd have revelled in this Ishmael's Ram plague."

"Indeed I would, sir," Renfield forced a grin.

"Someone or some government must have found a way to infiltrate our communications systems," Set paced the room, "no doubt something very clever and sophisticated."

"No doubt, sir," Renfield agreed.

Amadeus Emanon looked over at the small writing pad beside the lamp- the writing pad Renfield used to jot down important information such as access codes- he'd rip off the top sheet of paper not realizing that the pencilled inscriptions would also show up on the piece of paper immediately underneath.

Amadeus smiled as he read about the latest Paris Hilton and Britney Spears antics after the Super Bowl.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing On February Groundhog Day

2007-02-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

"You look surprised, Dracul Van Helsing," the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec seductively put her hands on her hips and gazed at her Canadian vampire hunting lover, "Are you surprised to see me dressed like this on a cool and cloudy Pennsylvania winter day?"

"No, I'm not surprised to see you dressed like that," Dracul Van Helsing calmly answered as he appreciatively took in her low-cut cream coloured blouse tank top and her short red skirt.

"So, why do you look surprised?" she smiled as she kissed him tenderly on the lips.

The Dracster kissed her back and held her in his arms, "I'm surprised that even though it's a cloudy morning here in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania- there's still sunlight even on a cloudy day and how can a vampiress- even a vampire princess such as yourself- not melt into oblivion during the daytime?".

"Being a High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl has its priviledges," she smiled, "Quetzalcoatl created a wine that allows a vampiress to drink it and become immune to the effects of the sun for up to 12 days in any given year. This is the first time I've drunk it this year. I have 11 more days to use up now during the year."

"And you picked Groundhog Day as one of your days?" Dracul kissed her again.

"Yes," she smiled at him.

Punxsutawney Phil, seer of all seers, predictor of all predictors, emerged from his burrow at Gobbler's Knob at 7:28 AM and predicted an early spring not seeing his shadow.

"An early spring," Qonzilqointec smiled and kissed Dracul again, "it is indeed springtime."

Like the groundhog on this day, Princess Qonzilqointec did not cast a shadow either.

But she had a shadow-

it was a very long shadow-

but an invisible one.

Likewise Princess Qonzilqointec
lover of Dracul Van Helsing
cast no shadow
this February 2nd.

Latest Terrorist Attack On America: Ishmael's Ram

2007-01-29T15:08:00.000-08:00

The Saudi prince was visiting the headquarters of the ISI (Inter-Services Intelligence) in Islamabad, Pakistan. The Pakistani ISI were of course the ones who supported the Taliban's rise to power in Afghanistan. The Taliban- the same party who when in power in Kabul had named al-Qaeda's Osama bin Laden as its government's Defense Minister.

The ISI were currently supporting the Taliban insurgency in the Afghan province of Kandahar.

The ISI was also working with al-Qaeda on a new terrorist attack on America.

The name of the project was Ishmael's Ram.

Now that the project was complete, the ISI were showing the final stages of the project to the pro- al-Qaeda Saudi prince.

Col. Mukhar spoke, "And there behind the glass, your Highness, is Ishmael's Ram."

The prince looked and saw a man in a virus-resistant glass isolation chamber.

"Why is he isolated?" the prince asked.

"Your Highness," the ISI colonel explained, "this man is a carrier- he's carrying a multitude of viruses that he's been injected with- viruses resistant to any form of antibiotics known to man. This isolation chamber is not part of the lab itself. It can be taken away and put on a plane- which it shall be as soon as you finish viewing it. The isolation chamber will be put on a plane and the plane flown to a major American city- I'm not at liberty to say which one at the moment- and the isolation chamber will be unpacked from the cargo section of the plane and the man released from the isolation chamber. This man has volunteered to do this- he is the ultimate jihadi martyr- the ultimate suicide bomber- he is Ishmael's Ram- the one sacrificed to save Ishmael (the great Muslim nation). Whereas 9/11 killed thousands, this man Ishmael's Ram will kill millions by walking the streets of this city and infecting multitudes of people with the deadly viruses he's carrying."

The Saudi prince smiled.

And behind the Saudi prince, the shapeshifting figure of a golden serpent likewise smiled as it bore its fangs.

Qonzilqointec and Shilpa Shetty

2007-01-28T17:39:00.000-08:00

That Friday night at the Davos Summit, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had written Tony Blair's speech on Climate Change for him at the dinner table next to him much to Dracul Van Helsing's amusement.

Blair's speech on Climate Change received a standing ovation at the Davos Summit that evening.

The speech was subject to rave reviews in the British press the next day (Saturday).

And now today- Sunday, January 28th, 2007- the Roman Catholic Feast Day of Saint Thomas Aquinas- Qonzilqointec was in London with Dracul Van Helsing attending a Sunday night concert being performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

Princess Qonzilqointec at London Philharmonic
concert

While in the concert hall, she received a text e-mail on her cell phone saying that the new Secretary of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change Lev Tomi (who was really the Russian Communist Leon Trotsky that the Princess had turned into a vampire in Mexico City back in 1940) was currently in New York City meeting with both Prince Charles and former US Vice-President Al Gore at a special awards dinner.

Behind the couple sat a winged figure- a woman with 12 arms from the Far East- she was convinced that Qonzilqointec was becoming a little too fond of Dracul Van Helsing for her own good and so this winged figure resolved to kill the irksome Canadian vampire hunter once and for all. And wouldn't her ally the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set be pleased when this Van Helsing was dead once and for all?

As the Winged Woman with 12 arms began applying a special poison black nailpolish to the tips of her long fingernails- fingernails she'd use to inject the poison in Dracul's bloodstream by clutching his throat and piercing it, a text message came in on Dracul Van Helsing's cell phone.

"Great!" Dracul smiled, "I see Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty was voted the winner of Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother Contest by the British public. Wonderful news. That will teach her racist bully fellow contestants in the Big Brother household a lesson they'll never forget. I must send an e-mail congratulating her."

"I didn't know you knew Shilpa Shetty," Qonzilqointec adjusted her lovely blue dress, "but why am I not surprised?".

The Winged Woman with 12 Arms from the Far East stood up and left.

Since Dracul admired her fellow countrywoman Shilpa Shetty, she was not going to kill him.

The Hindu vampiress Kali took one last look back at Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing before leaving the auditorium.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing held hands as the London Philharmonic Orchestra broke into a rendition of Beethoven's Song of Joy.

Shilpa Shetty: Winner of UK
Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother
contest

Qonzilqointec At the Davos Summit

2007-01-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

"I don't believe you're an invited guest at the Davos Summit," the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec quipped to Dracul Van Helsing as he snuck through the window of his hotel room.

"Indeed I'm not," the Canadian vampire hunter turned and smiled at her as she lay back on the hotel room sofa looking at him, "I don't have the same influence as the beautiful and gracious vampire princess Qonzilqointec."

"Always the charmer, Drac," Qonzilqointec smiled at him.

"So are you going to have me thrown out as an unregistered guest?" Dracul went to the hotel room's bar refrigerator, brought out a bottle of milk and poured two glasses- one for himself and one for the Princess.

"Thanks Drac," she gratefully accepted the glass of milk and drank from it, "No, I'm not going to have the father of my child thrown out of anywhere."

"You know you don't look very pregnant at all," Drac drank his milk.

"Vampiresses actually don't gain very much weight during pregnancy," Qonzilqointec explained.

"Well if that word gets out, every pregnant woman in the world will be wanting to become a vampiress," Drac finished his milk.

Qonzilqointec laughed.

"So does the baby seem to be doing fine?" Drac asked.

"Yes," the princess nodded and smiled.

"So, do you want to get married?" Drac asked, "although I don't know how that would work- a mortal man marrying an immortal vampiress?".

"As a High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl, I'm not allowed to get married," Qonzilqointec finished her milk.

"You're allowed to have sex and allowed to have a baby but you're not allowed to get married?" Drac was quizzical.

"That's right," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"It's a wonder the Mormons haven't adopted that teaching," Drac observed, "since they think your spiritual father Quetzalcoatl is the same being as Christ- they believe Quetzalcoatl was the form Christ took when He visited the Americas."

"Whenever I need a good laugh, I read the Book of Mormon," Qonzilqointec quipped.

"So do I," Drac smiled at her.

"I'm going to have the child raised Catholic," said the Princess, "so that should make you happy. The governess I've hired for him or her is a Catholic nun."

"That is a surprise," Drac looked at her.

"I believe it's best for our child," she stated, "so would you like to go to dinner?".

"All right," Drac stood up and gave the Princess a hand.

"I've reserved a table next to Tony Blair," she stated.

"His last Davos summit as British Prime Minister," Drac noted.

"Have you seen Bono?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"He and I drank Guinness together at noon," the Dracster answered.

"You two," Qonzilqointec smiled and laughed.

Drac likewise laughed for ever the punster, Drac got the pun.

To be continued.

Isis and Dracul Van Helsing In Paris

2007-01-22T18:54:00.000-08:00

Dracul Van Helsing had gone to Paris this past weekend to make contact with the Egyptian vampiress Isis to discuss how to deal with a mutual enemy of both of them- the London based ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Dracul Van Helsing's first stop was the Neo-Moulin Rouge Nightclub in Paris where the vampiress Isis (who was also a songstress and singer) had just won the Parisienne Idol contest.

Egyptian vampiress Isis wins Parisienne Idol contest:
Behind her on viewer's right is the blonde Greco-Roman
vampiress Diana Artemis

Isis: "I'd like to thank all those who have helped me reach this point
in my life but I better not because then my acceptance speech would
last an eternity."

Isis: "Osiris bless you all."

"What utter blasphemy!" a Muslim jihadi suicide bomber sitting in the audience thought to himself when he reached to push the button on his jacket and realized he had left his explosive belt outside in the car.

Mohammed Abadon rushed outside to retrieve his explosive belt when he suddenly noticed his yellow Volkswagen being towed away for illegal parking by a Paris gendarme.

"Shit!" Abadon started running after the tow truck when he slipped on a rubber ducky that had been accidently dropped on the street by Britain's Rowan Atkinson (aka Mr. Bean) who had been attending the Parisienne Idol performance.

Mr. Abadon fell and cracked his head.

That was the end of Mr. Abadon.

Later when the ambulance arrived, a distraught looking Mr. Bean left the Neo-Moulin Rouge nightclub in great despair when suddenly his face lit up with joy as the stretcher wheeled the late Mr. Abadon into the waiting ambulance.

"Look Teddy, there's Ducky," Mr. Bean rushed to pick up the rubber duck and then marched down the boulevard with Teddy in one arm and Ducky in the other.

In the meantime Dracul Van Helsing located Isis on the outdoor terrace of a Napoleon III era Parisienne apartment building:

Isis: "I bet you'd like a spanking wouldn't you, Dracul Van Helsing?"
So Isis gave Dracul a spanking on the spot and then after 3 hours of passionate lovemaking, they got around to discussing what should be done about the vampire Set.

To be continued.

Princess Qonzilqointec and the Antisatellite Weapon

2007-01-19T13:12:00.000-08:00

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in a little black dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto heeled shoes as she flew on a Boeing 767 on her way back to Mexico City from Cebu, the Philippines where the 12th ASEAN Summit had been held.

She had met with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao while in the Philippines.

She had many interesting points of discussion with the Chinese premier.

But the most important discussion of all involved Chinese antisatellite warfare.

And the test of which Wen had talked about had turned out to be a complete success.

They had successfully destroyed an aging Chinese weather satellite using the new antisatellite weapon.

Qonzilqointec was using two cell phones as she sat and talked on the plane.

One was a camera cell phone. She was shooting images of herself to the cell phone of Dracul Van Helsing knowing that the father of her child would enjoy seeing the pictures of her attire- the dress, the nylons and the stiletto spiked heeled shoes.

She thought she had had the sound turned off on the camera cell phone (but she didn't).

The other cell phone she held to her ear as she talked to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

"Yes Hugo," the vampire princess smiled as she talked, "our Chinese allies now have the capability to destroy satellites within a 500-mile orbit of the Earth. So I suggest you begin your preparations immediately. The Americans won't know what hit them."

* * *

Moritaka Hayasawa had come back from a London shopping trip as Dracul Van Helsing had put his camera cell phone back in his pocket.

She was wearing a little pink skirt, tan nylons and pink spiked stiletto heels.

"Hi Drac," she called to the Canadian vampire hunter.

"Hi Moritaka," Dracul smiled at her.

As Moritaka cheerfully put stuff away, Dracul wondered what Qonzilqointec had meant by the statement "The Americans won't know what hit them." ?

To be continued.

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec:
Off the plane and into Destiny

Kali Rips Apart Contestants' Bodyguards

2007-01-18T12:46:00.000-08:00

The Hindu vampiress Kali attacked the Big Brother house hoping to rip to pieces the 3 female contestants who were taunting contestant and Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty.

She was blocked from trying by the 3 contestants' bodyguards.

So instead she ripped apart the 3 contestants' bodyguards.

The heads of the 3 bodyguards were served on a silver platter to the 3 contestants inside the Big Brother house as a message from the program's sponsors that they were unhappy with the direction being taken.

Each bullying female contestant screamed as she saw what was under the platter.

"Now, this is a program much more to my liking," Renfield quipped as he watched this particular episode.

* * *

The Hindu vampiress Sati spoke to British Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown as he was visiting India.

Said Sati, "You've no doubt heard of the attack on the Big Brother house by Kali?".

"Yes," said Brown nervously, "I understand legs and arms were flying in every direction."

"Kali goes stir crazy doing things like this," said Sati, "that's why she was always able to cook one mean curry."

* * *

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao.

Said Qonzilqointec, "I understand you're more popular than South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun among the South Korean people in the most recent public opinion polls taken. This can be used to our advantage during the upcoming crisis on the Korean peninsula."

"I agree," said Premier Wen.

"Now what I want to know is," Qonzilqointec leaned towards him, "is what you discussed with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert on his recent visit to Beijing."

* * *

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sitting in his office in Tehran when suddenly the figure of a golden serpent bathed in a bright light entered his office.

"Mahmoud," the serpent spoke, "I am the Imam Mahdi. I shall soon be revealing my true self to the world. Do not let this disguise fool you. Mahmoud, I want you to attack the US naval carrier fleet in the Persian Gulf."

To be continued.

The World Is Watching Big Brother

2007-01-17T15:57:00.000-08:00

Moritaka Hayasawa and Dracul Van Helsing were lying in one another's arms on the couch in Miss Hayasawa's dressing room.

The TV was on and they were watching the British television program Big Brother.

When the program was finished, Moritaka said, "I can't believe the racist taunts her housemates on the show are using against Bollywood India star Shilpa Shetty."

"I can't believe it either," Dracul shook his head, "her housemates should all be given a good spanking."

"You mean like I gave you earlier this evening?" Moritaka brushed his hair back, smiled and kissed him.

"Exactly," Dracul nodded.

"So, are you going to take me out to dinner somewhere?" Moritaka asked.

"All right," Dracul smiled and kissed her.

"But don't take me to one of the London sushi bars," Moritaka requested, "I don't want to come down with radioactive poisoning."

* * *

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were in the sitting room of Set's colossal London mansion watching the TV program Big Brother on Set's high-definition TV screen.

When the program finished, Renfield muttered angrily, "There's not enough violence on that show. I'm going to complain to the appropriate telecommunications authority."

Amadeus said, "That Shilpa Shetty is quite a hot looking dish. I hope she wins the contest."

Set bit his long vampiric fingernails thoughtfully, "I know of one vampiress who is going to be quite ticked off with the racist and anti-Indian statements her housemates are making against Shilpa Shetty."

To be continued.

The glamourous and beautiful Bollywood film star Shilpa Shetty:
taunted by her female housemates on the British TV show Big Brother

Moritaka Hayasawa Performs

2007-01-16T15:03:00.000-08:00

There in the spotlight...

... on the stage...

stood Moritaka Hayasawa...

vampire huntress...

by her calling...

singer...

... by her dreams...

... and by profession.

London, England. West London. The Arabian Nights Nightclub.

This was her United Kingdom musical debut.

Outside the nightclub stood a lifesize poster of herself standing in 3 different poses.

The club was packed.

But would she be a success?

All the songs she would sing would be in Japanese.

But would her English-speaking audience approve?

Minutes ago she had stood there nervously back stage behind the curtain... she had on an outfit that would dazzle them all right... black lace lingerie blouse, black leather mini skirt, fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto heeled boots.

But when she started singing in Japanese, would her audience boo?

She noticed a handsome stranger standing there at the side of the curtains.

He seemed to be reading her thoughts for he said, "I love watching videos of Aya Matsuura and your name sake Moritaka... Miss Moritaka Chisato performing. They are singing in Japanese but with their magic, I can understand what they are singing even though I don't know the words. Music is a universal language, Miss Hayasawa. It appeals to the heart whatever language it's sung in."

"Thank you," she bowed to the stranger and he bowed back.

* * *

The stranger had been right.

The audience loved her.

3 standing ovations and 3 encores at the end.

She noticed the stranger sitting at the table in the front row. Listening most intently to every word she sung and leading the audience in his vigourous applause.

* * *

As she sat in the dressing room, there was a knock at the door.

The stranger came in carrying purple roses.

"In honour of your successful UK debut," he handed her the flowers.

"Thanks," she bowed to the man.

Then suddenly she recognized him.

"You are... " she spoke breathlessly, "Dracul Van Helsing?".

"I am," he bowed to her again.

"Well," Moritaka overcame her shyness as she stood there smoothing her skirt and adjusting her nylons, "perhaps you'd like a spanking by way of thanks." She spoke half in jest and half in earnest seriousness.

"You seem to know a lot about me," Dracul smiled at her.

To be continued.

Performing tonight live on stage:

Moritaka Hayasawa

Moritaka Hayasawa

2007-01-15T16:21:00.000-08:00

Moritaka Hayasawa was getting ready to perform at the Arabian Nights nightclub in west London.

For the beautiful Japanese vampire huntress was also a rising young starlet on the Japanese pop music scene.

Her recent speech to the London chapter of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters at the Athenaeum coincided with her gig at the Arabian Nights nightclub. It was her first time in Britain and she was anxious to make an impression.

As such she was wearing a see-through black lingerie blouse, black leather mini-skirt, black fishnet nylon pantyhouse and black spiked stiletto leather boots.

She had just returned from a weekend trip to Plymouth where she had been spying on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who had spent this past weekend at a conference there.

Moritaka was also feeling some relief because while she had been listening to British Prime Minister Tony Blair give a speech on the War On Terror last Friday (a speech at which the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been present), she had received an e-mail from her idiotic cousin Hari Kari Morwooahataki saying that an earthquake and a tsunami had hit her homeland.

It turned out that the earthquake was undersea- northeast of Hokkaido Island and the tsunami warning was just a precaution.

After hearing that more accurate bit of news from the BBC last Friday night, she had sent an angry e-mail back to her idiotic cousin Hari Kari Morwooahataki saying she was going to hold him down on the ground and pluck out his eyebrows when she returned to Tokyo.

Moritaka felt a sense of power spying on Set.

After all, Set had sent someone to spy on her.

She finally pulled a knife on Set's spy last week.

The spy talked.

His name was Amadeus Emanon which was an unusual name. He said he worked for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Moritaka after getting the information had let the man go. After all, he was not a vampire. Only his boss was.

That was when she resolved to follow Set to the Tony Blair speech in Plymouth where she had been informed by Gregorio Palamas (the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters) that Set would most likely be attending it.

She had first noticed Set's spy Amadeus Emanon the night she had given her speech at the Athenauem to the London Chapter of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters for this Amadeus Emanon had been sitting in the audience. So for that matter had former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan been sitting in the audience. As well as Lord Tweedsmuir, the British House of Lords' resident foreign policy expert on Russia and China.

Hm. She wondered what Set was up to at this very moment.

* * *

Set was sitting in his arm chair reading the Times of London.

Amadeus was sitting at the piano playing a piece from Vivaldi's The Four Seasons- Winter to be exact.

Renfield was lying back on the sofa eating popcorn and live oysters and playing the hanging/decapitation of Barzan Ibrahim (Saddam Hussein's half-brother and former Chief of Intelligence for Iraq) on TV over and over again by cheerfully hitting the replay button on the remote.

To be continued.

On The Shores of Albion

2007-01-12T20:43:00.000-08:00

Aboard the deck of HMS Albion in Plymouth, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was giving a speech on the need to keep British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Said Blair, "The War on Terror cannot be won by military force alone but it cannot be won without it."

Sitting in the audience next to Labour party bigwigs was the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa watched him out of the corner of her eye.

Sitting there and looking radiantly beautiful in a long black evening dress and beautiful pearl necklace, those of the Labour party faithful sitting around her gazed at her and not Blair.

"War on terror," Moritaka Hayasawa thought to herself, "and there sitting in the audience is one of the world's greatest vampiric expressions of terror."

It had been quite a day. In London, she had been receiving reports of Buddhist groups in the city worshipping some golden serpent figure who came strolling into the city's Buddhist temples.

The Buddhists would bow before the serpent and then the serpent would turn into a man saying, "I am the Maitreya."

And members of London's Shi'ite Muslim community were eagerly talking of the springtime arrival of Islam's messianic style figure- the Imam Mahdi.

It appeared that the worlds of vampires, demons and geopolitics were about to merge head-on.

No wonder Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters wanted her to speak to the man who was both a vampire hunter and a cutting edge geopolitical analyst... Dracul Van Helsing.

Her cell phone started flashing.

She picked it up.

It was an e-mail from home.

A tsunami warning for the Pacific region after a major earthquake had just struck her homeland.

Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa (third from left, first from right) in happier times
Prior to geopolitical and literal earthquakes and vampiric and oceanic tsunamis

Princess Qonzilqointec In Managua

2007-01-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

January 10th, 2007- Managua, Nicaragua- the inauguration of Daniel Ortega as the new President of Nicaragua.

Evening- The inaugural ball.

Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, Bolivian President Evo Morales and Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa are all standing in a circle talking.

Suddenly Bolivia's Morales stops talking and bows as he sees a woman approach.

He recognizes the woman.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in the colourful multi-coloured dress of a Nicaraguan peasant woman.

Princess Qonzilqointec smoothed the skirt of her dress and then walked over to the four men.

All four presidents bowed to the royal personage.

"I'm sorry that Fidel was unable to make it this evening," the Princess accepted kisses on her hand from all four men, "but I'm delighted to see all you gentlemen."

"I understand your Highness," Hugo Chavez bowed to her, "that UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has appointed the new Secretary of the UN Secretariat on Climate Change and the Environment on your orders."

"That's right," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled, "his name is Lev Tomi."

"I don't think I recognize that name," Ecuador's President Correa spoke up.

"You wouldn't recognize the name," the vampire princess nodded, "but you would recognize the face for he visited you all last fall."

Princess Qonzilqointec pointed to someone pouring himself a cup of tea from a Russian samovar.

The man turned.

It was Leon Trotsky the Russian Communist that Princess Qonzilqointec turned into a vampire as he lay dying from an ice pick head wound in a Mexico City hospital back in 1940.

* * *

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed his cabinet in Tehran, "Gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that the prophet we Muslims have been waiting for... for generations... will appear this spring... the Imam Mahdi..."

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing was in a hot tub with the Venezuelan born and raised art curator Athena Guerrido. Near his hot tub was his Samsung cell phone.

A light went off informing him of an incoming e-mail.

It was an e-mail from Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters.

The e-mail advised him to go to London, England right away.

Gregorio advised that it would be very important for him to meet and talk with Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa.

* * *

The Boeing 767 headed north of Managua.

"So, it's back to Mexico City?" Leon Trotsky (soon to be known to the world as Lev Tomi) smiled at Princess Qonzilqointec.

"I plan to stop off in Washington DC for an evening to see an old friend of mine," the vampire princess smiled back.

"And which old friend would that be?" Lev Tomi asked.

"Donald Rumsfeld," the Princess replied.

"You're a friend of the former US Secretary of Defense?" Lev Tomi's jaw dropped open, "The man who pushed for the US to invade Iraq?".

"I have many friends... or perhaps... I should say... people... in my web," the Aztec vampiress smiled her most seductive smile, "for what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive."

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec:
Weaving her way and her web
across the world.

Sherlock Holmes' Birthday

2007-01-06T12:47:00.000-08:00

It was January 6th, 1894.

Sherlock Holmes was celebrating his 40th birthday in his residence at 221B Baker Street, London.

His housekeeper Mrs. Hudson had made roast beef and yorkshire pudding for two.

But damn it, where was Watson?

Watson said he had gone out to buy a bottle of the best claret for the celebration.

But had Watson gone all the way to France to buy the best claret?

Holmes decided to start eating the roast beef and yorkshire pudding on his own.

When suddenly the door opened...

... but it was not Watson who stood there...

it was THE woman...

... Irene Adler...

... she stood there wearing a lovely green evening dresss... very low-cut...

"Are you surprised to see me, Mr. Holmes?" Irene Adler asked.

Holmes dropped his fork.

"What are you speechless, Mr. Holmes?" she approached the world's first and greatest consulting detective.

"I deduce... you are here to give me a birthday present," Holmes approached her.

Irene Adler got down on her knees.

"I use my mouth for more than just singing," the popular singer of opera and stage stated.

Holmes dropped his trousers.

* * *

"Lestrade, Lestrade, what the Hell are you doing?" the deep masculine voice shouted, "Irene is giving me her birthday present. Stop it, Lestrade!".

The black Labrador dog named Lestrade got off Lord Tweedsmuir.

For today January 6th was Sherlock Holmes' birthday and Lord Tweedsmuir had been dreaming that he was Sherlock Holmes on his 40th birthday back on January 6th, 1894.

"Out Lestrade, out!" Lord Tweedsmuir commanded.

The vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont entered the room wearing a low-cut white nightgown.

"Lestrade has disturbed your sleep, your Lordship?" Angelique smiled.

"Indeed," Lord Tweedsmuir harrumphed, "I had been having a most pleasant dream. I had dreamed that I was Sherlock Holmes back on his 40th birthday on January 6th,1894 and the lovely and beautiful Irene Adler was giving me my birthday present."

"What a positively scandalous dream... and so bohemian," Angelique Dumont laughed a soft feminine laugh.

"That's very well put," Lord Tweedsmuir smiled.

"Irene Adler..." Angelique Dumont approached Tweedsmuir, "To Sherlock Holmes she is always THE woman. Have you ever thought about THE name of THE woman, Lord Tweedsmuir? That name... Irene Adler?".

"Irene Adler?" Lord Tweedsmuir repeated the name.

"Lord Tweedsmuir, how many steps separate us in your household? How many steps from my coffin in the basement to your bedroom up here?" Angelique Dumont put her soft feminine hand tenderly on Lord Tweedsmuir's shoulder.

"There are 39 steps exactly," Lord Tweedsmuir replied.

"Irene Adler..." Angelique whispered a soft delectable whisper in Lord Tweedsmuir's ear, "Irene is the Greek word for peace... and Adler... well... you know what an adler is don't you, Lord Tweedsmuir?... a snake... a serpent... in this year of 2007, Lord Tweedsmuir, do you think a snake... a serpent... will stand up... and proclaim a kingdom of PEACE for the world?"

The New Orleans vampiress pulled down Lord Tweedsmuir's pyjamas and went down on her knees.

"Angelique," Lord Tweedsmuir shrieked, "what sharp teeth you have."

* * *

Captain Robert Falcon Scott II stood on the deck of his boat the Discovery II and rubbed his eyes.

For he could not believe his eyes.

He thought he saw a giant snake... a giant serpent... emerge from the River Thames and head in the direction of the Houses of Parliament at Westminster.

On the bank of the Thames meanwhile, Amadeus Emanon (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's genetically cloned personal concert pianist and hired assasin) was following Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa down the street.

He had been ordered to spy on Miss Hayasawa by his boss.

Amadeus carefully took in every sway and swish of Miss Hayasawa's dark navy blue skirt as she walked. Every swish and sway over the back of her black leather boots.

Amadeus was enjoying this particular assignment most wholeheartedly.

Moritaka Hayasawa turned a corner.

Amadeus likewised turned the corner.

He suddenly felt the sharp edge of a silver dagger against his throat.

"Why are you following me?" Moritaka Hayasawa peered sharply into Amadeus' eyes.

* * *

Athena Guerrido wore a white blouse, a short tartan skirt, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto heeled shoes.

She was drinking a glass of Lancaster Ale.

She sat across from Dracul Van Helsing in the Sherlock Holmes Pub and Restaurant on Rice Howard Way in Edmonton.

They were celebrating Sherlock Holmes' 153rd birthday.

"To Sherlock Holmes," Athena raised her glass of beer.

"To Irene Adler," Dracul raised his.

They clanked glasses and drank.

"So Christopher Dracul Alexander Van Helsing," Athena Guerrido gazed into his eyes, "who's your Irene Adler?"

To be continued.

Vampiress Songstress Angelique Dumont

2007-01-05T12:47:00.000-08:00

The vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont of New Orleans, USA was performing a private concert for Lord Tweedsmuir.

"Bravo! Bravo!" Lord Tweedsmuir clapped when Miss Dumont had finished performing her final aria.

The vampiress songstress was wearing a black evening dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

She bowed as Lord Tweedsmuir approached her.

"Thank you, Yvette," Lord Tweedsmuir nodded to his twenty-something French maid who had been playing the piano as Angelique sang.

Yvette who was wearing a French maid dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes stood up and curtsied and then left the room.

"Yvette became a British citizen today you know?" Lord Tweedsmuir kissed Angelique's hand.

"Really?" Angelique smiled, "she plays the piano very well... for a British citizen."

Lord Tweedsmuir did not know whether to take Miss Dumont's statement as a compliment or an insult. But he decided to ignore the remark.

"I'm trying to talk Tony Blair into having the Queen give her a peerage before Mr. Blair leaves office as Prime Minister," Lord Tweedsmuir played with his moustache.

"Really?" Angelique smiled at Lord Tweedsmuir, "and what would her title be if she's given a peerage?".

"I'm thinking of something along the lines of... the Duchess of Foreplay," Lord Tweedsmuir continued to play with his moustache.

* * *

Former United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan was having dinner with British Prime Minister Tony Blair at 10 Downing Street.

"So what will you do now that you've retired?" Tony Blair asked Kofi Annan.

"The same thing I did as UN Secretary-General," Annan replied, "nothing."

Blair laughed.

Blair's singing mechanical fish on the wall guffawed.

"So how are you enjoying your last days as Prime Minister of Britain?" Annan inquired.

"I shall miss the power," Blair lamented, "not to mention seeing my picture on the BBC Evening News every night."

"I must compliment you on this meal," Annan raised his glass of Irish Guinness beer, "nobody can make fish n'chips quite like the British."

"Fish n' chips is Britain's national dish," Blair agreed, "Fish n' chips are as British as the British sausage for which fictional British cabinet Minister of Administrative Affairs James Hacker fought for so passionately against idiotic European regulations emanating from Brussels- a fight which made him the fictional Prime Minister of Great Britain."

"I was a fan of the Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister TV series myself," Kofi Annan downed the last of his Guinness, "I used to watch it on PBS New York all the time."

"I think most of PBS' programs are British are they not?" Blair took his Multiple Vitamin pills with his Guinness.

"Yes, most of the highest quality programs on American television are all British," Annan noted.

"I'm not surprised," Blair looked over at a display of Cow Dung Under Glass- a personal gift to him from US President George W. Bush.

"Tell me, Tony," Kofi put on some rap music on his ipod and started hip-hop dancing to it around the room, "do you believe there are such things as vampires and vampiresses?"

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec, Dracul Van Helsing And Moritaka Hayasawa

2007-01-03T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dracul Van Helsing sat at a table in the Le Ronde Restaurant a rotating restaurant that was at the top of the tower of the Chateau Lacombe Crown Plaza Hotel in Edmonton.

He had received an invitation to dine there from some mysterious person who did not want to leave their name.

He sat looking out the restaurant window overseeing the North Saskatchewan River Valley when suddenly the elevator door opened.

A very beautiful woman wearing a long rose floral evening dress and white stiletto spiked high-heeled shoes got off the elevator.

It was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

The last time Dracul had met Qonzilqointec, they had made out in a cheap Mexican cantina.

Qonzilqointec had spiked his tequila with a drug and the next thing Dracul knew was that the beautiful vampire princess was ripping his heart out (quite literally!).

She was using a knife to do it in an Aztec ritual human sacrifice ceremony to the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.

Fortunately the Egyptian goddess-vampiress Isis, the Greek goddess-vampiress Athena and the Hindu goddess-vampiress Sati arrived in the nick of time along with Japan's top heart surgeon to put Dracul's still beating heart back in his chest and restore the Canadian vampire hunter to life.

"I thought I'd buy you dinner to make up for what happened the last time we met," Qonzilqointec extended her white gloved hand to Dracul and the vampire hunter kissed it.

"You mean when you ripped my heart out of my chest atop an altar on an Aztec sacrificial pyramid?" Dracul pulled out Qonzilqointec's chair and she sat down.

"Yes," she nodded.

"Well, you look radiantly beautiful tonight I must say," Dracul looked at her.

"Thanks," Qonzilqointec blushed as she brushed her hair back with her hand.

Hm. Strange, Dracul thought to himself. Here he was sitting across from a woman who had ripped his heart out in sacrifice to some pagan god and here he was telling her how radiantly beautiful she looked.

What was the term his brother-in-law (his sister's husband) had used to describe him when he had stopped the car in the middle of the road on Christmas Day and told him to drive if he was going to be such an obnoxious back-seat driver sitting in the front passenger seat of the car?

Psycho was the term his brother-in-law had used.

Wonder if there's any truth to that? Dracul thought to himself as he ordered champagne (after all, it was she who was paying for it).

Qonzilqointec ordered the large Greek salad and a glass of milk.

Dracul then ordered the roast beef heart and steak pie to be accompanied by baby potatoes.

No sooner had he finished ordering the roast beef heart and steak pie with the baby potatoes than Princess Qonzilqointec said to him, "You know speaking of babies, I'm pregnant with your child."

* * *

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set awoke with a start in his sarcophagus coffin in the Antiquities room of his colossal London estate.

For Set had dreamed of a new vampire huntress arising from the Far East- this one from the land of the Rising Sun itself- one who would be a new thorn in his side.

"Good evening, sir," his valet Athelstan arrived carrying a tray of Earl Grey tea, crumpets and strawberry jam.

"Evening boss," Renfield arrived with the latest figures from the floor of the London Stock Exchange delivered instantaneously to his Bluetooth Blueberry mobile phone.

"Morning boss," Amadeus arrived carrying a poster, "this poster I noticed on a lamp post on my afternoon walk. The girl in it looked rather pretty so I took it down."

Amadeus handed the poster to Set:

Speaking tonight at the Athenaeum:

From the Land of the Rising Sun
Japanese Vampire Huntress Moritaka Hayasawa