Gateway To Mars
On the South Saskatchewan River near Medicine Hat, a Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant is standing on the banks with a Saint Bernard dog.
A Chinaman with a wide grin approaches the monk.
"Hi Jim, how's it going?" the Chinaman asked.
"Harry Woo, what are you doing here?" Brother Jim Gallant asked, "I asked Dracul Van Helsing to come here."
"oh," Harry replied, "Dracul is still in London, England. Still spying on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and trying to find out what he's up to. Plus Dracul still hasn't recovered from the beating that South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan gave him when she found out that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had just given birth to a child she had after making out with Dracul last November."
"I see," said Brother Jim.
"That Saint Bernard you've got with you?" Harry pointed at the Saint Bernard, "isn't that Dracul Van Helsing's dog Samson?".
"Yes, it is," Brother Jim replied.
"But I thought he was serving a life sentence in a cage at the Camp David dog kennels for defecating on US President George Dubya Bush's shoe a few years ago?" Harry pointed out.
"He was," Brother Jim nodded, "but he escaped from the dog kennels this summer and went and defecated on New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's shoes. As soon as President Bush heard the news that Samson had defecated on Sen. Clinton's shoes, he granted the dog an automatic pardon."
Samson grinned and wagged his tail.
"So, what's he doing with you?" Harry asked.
"They won't let him into Britain because British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has a fetish about his shoes always being clean," Brother Jim remarked.
"So he's staying with you?" Harry asked.
"Yes, although the abbot at the monastery is complaining about Samson eating too much food."
"So, what are you doing in Medicine Hat?" Harry asked "and why did you want Dracul here?".
"The abbot is a friend of the priest at Saint Patrick's Church here in Medicine Hat," Brother Jim answered, "and the priest told him that there's a mysterious serpent that's been seen floating the river here at Medicine Hat. According to an old Indian legend, a demonic serpent spirit ordered a great warrior to sacrifice his wife to him at this particular spot along the river. The warrior first sacrificed his dog...."
Samson immediately goes running the other direction.
"And when that failed to appease the serpent spirit, then the man sacrificed his wife," Brother Jim explained, "and in return the serpent spirit gave the warrior Eagle Birth a Medicine Man's hat which gave Eagle Birth great power and wealth and the ability to heal as a result."
"So you figure this is the same demonic spirit that's haunting the River now?" Harry asked.
"Could be," Brother Jim nodded, "earlier this spring, the priest said he saw a German guy running around Medicine Hat with a bunch of Russian guys. This German guy apparently used a hypodermic needle to extract blood from the serpent. Then the German and the Russians left."
"Where did they go?" Harry asked.
"How should I know?" Brother Jim replied.
"I thought you were smarter than me," Harry said.
* * *
In Pyongyang the North Korean capital, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong was giving a report on his recent visit to Russia.
His audience was the Central Committee of the North Korean Workers' Party. The country's dictator Kim Jong-il oversaw the proceedings sitting on a jade dragon throne.
"Don't mind me while I have a bowel movement," the so-called Dear Leader smiled, "my throne has a special potty hole in it."
"That must be quite a relief, Dear Leader," Vice-President Kim Sum-dong nodded, "anyways the East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen is now doing special experiments for the Kremlin."
"What sort of experiments?" the Dear Leader demanded to know.
"He recently extracted DNA from the blood of a Canadian river serpent and also DNA from the blood of the Egyptian crocodile shape-shifter Sobek and he also managed to get traces of blood from Johnny Depp when he was playing the role of Captain Jack Sparrow in the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie not to mention DNA from the hair of the preserved beard of the real notorious pirate Captain Blackbeard as well as DNA from Naga the Cambodian cobra serpent-god of the waters," Kim Sum-dong explained, "and he used this to create a pirate named Captain Cobra who has recently been attacking US interests on rivers and seas all over the world the past month."
"Wow, this sounds like an Edgar Rice Burroughs novel," the Dear Leader remarked, "is he also working on a gateway to Mars like Burroughs talked about?".
"No but President Putin told me that the real reason President Bush and Prime Minister Blair invaded Iraq was because in 2001 Iraq's Saddam Hussein discovered the ruins of an ancient portal that the Nephilim (the descendents of fallen angels and mortal women that were talked about in Genesis Chapter 6) used as an interdimensional gateway to travel back and forth between Earth and the planet Mars. The Americans and the British did not want Saddam's scientists to figure out how the portal worked with the end result that Iraq would become the first nation to land on Mars not by using space travel but by using this interdimensional portal built by the Nephilim using technological know-how given to them by demons."
"How does this fit in with the materialistic theories of Karl Marx?" the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il asked as he reached for a roll of toilet paper.
* * *
Meanwhile in a dungeon in the basement of the Kremlin, Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak (who had spied on the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong and East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen) was being held a prisoner by the dreaded Russian FSB.
Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak: Held captive in the Kremlin.
A Chinaman with a wide grin approaches the monk.
"Hi Jim, how's it going?" the Chinaman asked.
"Harry Woo, what are you doing here?" Brother Jim Gallant asked, "I asked Dracul Van Helsing to come here."
"oh," Harry replied, "Dracul is still in London, England. Still spying on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and trying to find out what he's up to. Plus Dracul still hasn't recovered from the beating that South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan gave him when she found out that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had just given birth to a child she had after making out with Dracul last November."
"I see," said Brother Jim.
"That Saint Bernard you've got with you?" Harry pointed at the Saint Bernard, "isn't that Dracul Van Helsing's dog Samson?".
"Yes, it is," Brother Jim replied.
"But I thought he was serving a life sentence in a cage at the Camp David dog kennels for defecating on US President George Dubya Bush's shoe a few years ago?" Harry pointed out.
"He was," Brother Jim nodded, "but he escaped from the dog kennels this summer and went and defecated on New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's shoes. As soon as President Bush heard the news that Samson had defecated on Sen. Clinton's shoes, he granted the dog an automatic pardon."
Samson grinned and wagged his tail.
"So, what's he doing with you?" Harry asked.
"They won't let him into Britain because British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has a fetish about his shoes always being clean," Brother Jim remarked.
"So he's staying with you?" Harry asked.
"Yes, although the abbot at the monastery is complaining about Samson eating too much food."
"So, what are you doing in Medicine Hat?" Harry asked "and why did you want Dracul here?".
"The abbot is a friend of the priest at Saint Patrick's Church here in Medicine Hat," Brother Jim answered, "and the priest told him that there's a mysterious serpent that's been seen floating the river here at Medicine Hat. According to an old Indian legend, a demonic serpent spirit ordered a great warrior to sacrifice his wife to him at this particular spot along the river. The warrior first sacrificed his dog...."
Samson immediately goes running the other direction.
"And when that failed to appease the serpent spirit, then the man sacrificed his wife," Brother Jim explained, "and in return the serpent spirit gave the warrior Eagle Birth a Medicine Man's hat which gave Eagle Birth great power and wealth and the ability to heal as a result."
"So you figure this is the same demonic spirit that's haunting the River now?" Harry asked.
"Could be," Brother Jim nodded, "earlier this spring, the priest said he saw a German guy running around Medicine Hat with a bunch of Russian guys. This German guy apparently used a hypodermic needle to extract blood from the serpent. Then the German and the Russians left."
"Where did they go?" Harry asked.
"How should I know?" Brother Jim replied.
"I thought you were smarter than me," Harry said.
* * *
In Pyongyang the North Korean capital, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong was giving a report on his recent visit to Russia.
His audience was the Central Committee of the North Korean Workers' Party. The country's dictator Kim Jong-il oversaw the proceedings sitting on a jade dragon throne.
"Don't mind me while I have a bowel movement," the so-called Dear Leader smiled, "my throne has a special potty hole in it."
"That must be quite a relief, Dear Leader," Vice-President Kim Sum-dong nodded, "anyways the East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen is now doing special experiments for the Kremlin."
"What sort of experiments?" the Dear Leader demanded to know.
"He recently extracted DNA from the blood of a Canadian river serpent and also DNA from the blood of the Egyptian crocodile shape-shifter Sobek and he also managed to get traces of blood from Johnny Depp when he was playing the role of Captain Jack Sparrow in the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie not to mention DNA from the hair of the preserved beard of the real notorious pirate Captain Blackbeard as well as DNA from Naga the Cambodian cobra serpent-god of the waters," Kim Sum-dong explained, "and he used this to create a pirate named Captain Cobra who has recently been attacking US interests on rivers and seas all over the world the past month."
"Wow, this sounds like an Edgar Rice Burroughs novel," the Dear Leader remarked, "is he also working on a gateway to Mars like Burroughs talked about?".
"No but President Putin told me that the real reason President Bush and Prime Minister Blair invaded Iraq was because in 2001 Iraq's Saddam Hussein discovered the ruins of an ancient portal that the Nephilim (the descendents of fallen angels and mortal women that were talked about in Genesis Chapter 6) used as an interdimensional gateway to travel back and forth between Earth and the planet Mars. The Americans and the British did not want Saddam's scientists to figure out how the portal worked with the end result that Iraq would become the first nation to land on Mars not by using space travel but by using this interdimensional portal built by the Nephilim using technological know-how given to them by demons."
"How does this fit in with the materialistic theories of Karl Marx?" the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il asked as he reached for a roll of toilet paper.
* * *
Meanwhile in a dungeon in the basement of the Kremlin, Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak (who had spied on the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong and East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen) was being held a prisoner by the dreaded Russian FSB.
Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak: Held captive in the Kremlin.
posted by Christopher @ 1:51 PM
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