The Way The Fortune Cookie Crumbles

"oh, I can't believe it," Harry Woo said on the phone to his Chinese mom from New York City, "Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused me of being gay after I interrupted his UN speech. And then he said he didn't have any gays in Iran. oh and afterwards I got a whole bunch of discount coupons to Turkish bath houses in New York given to me. oh, why do people think I need to take a bath... let alone a Turkish one?".

"And that Mr. President," Vice-President Dick Cheney pushed the stop button on the tape recorder, "is part of the conversation that our Homeland Security wiretapping team listened in on."

"Is that all?" President Bush asked.

"Yes," Vice-President Cheney nodded, "the rest of the wiretapping team simultaneously committed hari kari after listening to the rest of the conversation. We suspect that Mr. Woo is a Chinese agent of Beijing somehow trained in the mysterious ancient oriental arts of hypnosis and mind control. He has, we suspect, the ability to cloud men's minds and make them do things they wouldn't necessarily otherwise do."

"Hm, frightening," Bush mused, "I wonder what it's like to have a mind."

To be continued.

Laying Persian Carpet At The UN

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec enjoys the sun.

"What are you doing out in the sun?" Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez asked the Aztec vampiress as he strolled out on to the cool cement deck of his People's Swimming Pool (which was for his own avante-garde personal backyard use only), "I didn't think vampires or vampiresses could be exposed to sunlight."

The princess was sitting on the edge of the pool wading her legs in the water.

"The East German scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen working in his Moscow labs in the basement of the Kremlin has developed a special sunscreen lotion for vampiresses," Qonzilqointec answered, "so I'm now able to sit out in the sun without being burned to a crisp... quite literally."

"Nice to hear it," President Chavez helped himself to a pitcher of lime Margarita and poured himself a glass, "I see my very dear friend Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is going to be making his speech to the UN soon."

The Red Presidente reached for his remote control and turned on the flatscreen High Definition TV attached to his outdoor patio wall.

* * *

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper was on the phone to the noted Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"Hello Drac," Harper was looking out the window of his parliamentary office where he noticed Opposition leader Stephane Dion was trying to get his tie out of the car door which he had just slammed it on, "I just got a call from the US Ambassador. Apparently the White House is worried about the effect that Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's speech will have on the UN General Assembly."

"That's all right," the Drac-Man replied on his Samsung cell phone, "I've got that covered. Ahmadinejad will soon meet his match."

"Great to hear it, Drac," Harper smiled, "so what are you and your lovely companion Hyung Grace Kwan up to these days?".

"Hyung and I are just about to step on to the floor of the British House of Lords as the personal guests of Lord Tweedsmuir," Dracul replied.


Hyung Grace Kwan waits for Dracul Van Helsing outside the door of the British House of Lords


* * *

Up in the UN translation room the Shi'ite Muslim messiah the Imam Mahdi (who was in the form of a golden serpent) looked down proudly as Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was about to give his address to the United Nations.

As Ahmadinejad strolled up to the microphone and started speaking, a loud bang was heard coming from the back of the Assembly Hall as a door slammed and a Chinaman came bursting into the room.

"Excuse me," Harry Woo called out in a loud voice, "I was told there was a sale on Persian carpets going on here today. Anybody here know where I can get a good bargain on a Persian rug?".


To be continued.