Latest Terrorist Attack On America: Ishmael's Ram

The Saudi prince was visiting the headquarters of the ISI (Inter-Services Intelligence) in Islamabad, Pakistan. The Pakistani ISI were of course the ones who supported the Taliban's rise to power in Afghanistan. The Taliban- the same party who when in power in Kabul had named al-Qaeda's Osama bin Laden as its government's Defense Minister.

The ISI were currently supporting the Taliban insurgency in the Afghan province of Kandahar.

The ISI was also working with al-Qaeda on a new terrorist attack on America.

The name of the project was Ishmael's Ram.

Now that the project was complete, the ISI were showing the final stages of the project to the pro- al-Qaeda Saudi prince.

Col. Mukhar spoke, "And there behind the glass, your Highness, is Ishmael's Ram."

The prince looked and saw a man in a virus-resistant glass isolation chamber.

"Why is he isolated?" the prince asked.

"Your Highness," the ISI colonel explained, "this man is a carrier- he's carrying a multitude of viruses that he's been injected with- viruses resistant to any form of antibiotics known to man. This isolation chamber is not part of the lab itself. It can be taken away and put on a plane- which it shall be as soon as you finish viewing it. The isolation chamber will be put on a plane and the plane flown to a major American city- I'm not at liberty to say which one at the moment- and the isolation chamber will be unpacked from the cargo section of the plane and the man released from the isolation chamber. This man has volunteered to do this- he is the ultimate jihadi martyr- the ultimate suicide bomber- he is Ishmael's Ram- the one sacrificed to save Ishmael (the great Muslim nation). Whereas 9/11 killed thousands, this man Ishmael's Ram will kill millions by walking the streets of this city and infecting multitudes of people with the deadly viruses he's carrying."

The Saudi prince smiled.

And behind the Saudi prince, the shapeshifting figure of a golden serpent likewise smiled as it bore its fangs.

Qonzilqointec and Shilpa Shetty

That Friday night at the Davos Summit, the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had written Tony Blair's speech on Climate Change for him at the dinner table next to him much to Dracul Van Helsing's amusement.

Blair's speech on Climate Change received a standing ovation at the Davos Summit that evening.

The speech was subject to rave reviews in the British press the next day (Saturday).

And now today- Sunday, January 28th, 2007- the Roman Catholic Feast Day of Saint Thomas Aquinas- Qonzilqointec was in London with Dracul Van Helsing attending a Sunday night concert being performed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.


Princess Qonzilqointec at London Philharmonic
concert


While in the concert hall, she received a text e-mail on her cell phone saying that the new Secretary of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change Lev Tomi (who was really the Russian Communist Leon Trotsky that the Princess had turned into a vampire in Mexico City back in 1940) was currently in New York City meeting with both Prince Charles and former US Vice-President Al Gore at a special awards dinner.

Behind the couple sat a winged figure- a woman with 12 arms from the Far East- she was convinced that Qonzilqointec was becoming a little too fond of Dracul Van Helsing for her own good and so this winged figure resolved to kill the irksome Canadian vampire hunter once and for all. And wouldn't her ally the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set be pleased when this Van Helsing was dead once and for all?

As the Winged Woman with 12 arms began applying a special poison black nailpolish to the tips of her long fingernails- fingernails she'd use to inject the poison in Dracul's bloodstream by clutching his throat and piercing it, a text message came in on Dracul Van Helsing's cell phone.

"Great!" Dracul smiled, "I see Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty was voted the winner of Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother Contest by the British public. Wonderful news. That will teach her racist bully fellow contestants in the Big Brother household a lesson they'll never forget. I must send an e-mail congratulating her."

"I didn't know you knew Shilpa Shetty," Qonzilqointec adjusted her lovely blue dress, "but why am I not surprised?".

The Winged Woman with 12 Arms from the Far East stood up and left.

Since Dracul admired her fellow countrywoman Shilpa Shetty, she was not going to kill him.

The Hindu vampiress Kali took one last look back at Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing before leaving the auditorium.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing held hands as the London Philharmonic Orchestra broke into a rendition of Beethoven's Song of Joy.



Shilpa Shetty: Winner of UK
Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother
contest

Qonzilqointec At the Davos Summit

"I don't believe you're an invited guest at the Davos Summit," the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec quipped to Dracul Van Helsing as he snuck through the window of his hotel room.

"Indeed I'm not," the Canadian vampire hunter turned and smiled at her as she lay back on the hotel room sofa looking at him, "I don't have the same influence as the beautiful and gracious vampire princess Qonzilqointec."

"Always the charmer, Drac," Qonzilqointec smiled at him.

"So are you going to have me thrown out as an unregistered guest?" Dracul went to the hotel room's bar refrigerator, brought out a bottle of milk and poured two glasses- one for himself and one for the Princess.

"Thanks Drac," she gratefully accepted the glass of milk and drank from it, "No, I'm not going to have the father of my child thrown out of anywhere."

"You know you don't look very pregnant at all," Drac drank his milk.

"Vampiresses actually don't gain very much weight during pregnancy," Qonzilqointec explained.

"Well if that word gets out, every pregnant woman in the world will be wanting to become a vampiress," Drac finished his milk.

Qonzilqointec laughed.

"So does the baby seem to be doing fine?" Drac asked.

"Yes," the princess nodded and smiled.

"So, do you want to get married?" Drac asked, "although I don't know how that would work- a mortal man marrying an immortal vampiress?".

"As a High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl, I'm not allowed to get married," Qonzilqointec finished her milk.

"You're allowed to have sex and allowed to have a baby but you're not allowed to get married?" Drac was quizzical.

"That's right," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"It's a wonder the Mormons haven't adopted that teaching," Drac observed, "since they think your spiritual father Quetzalcoatl is the same being as Christ- they believe Quetzalcoatl was the form Christ took when He visited the Americas."

"Whenever I need a good laugh, I read the Book of Mormon," Qonzilqointec quipped.

"So do I," Drac smiled at her.

"I'm going to have the child raised Catholic," said the Princess, "so that should make you happy. The governess I've hired for him or her is a Catholic nun."

"That is a surprise," Drac looked at her.

"I believe it's best for our child," she stated, "so would you like to go to dinner?".

"All right," Drac stood up and gave the Princess a hand.

"I've reserved a table next to Tony Blair," she stated.

"His last Davos summit as British Prime Minister," Drac noted.

"Have you seen Bono?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"He and I drank Guinness together at noon," the Dracster answered.

"You two," Qonzilqointec smiled and laughed.

Drac likewise laughed for ever the punster, Drac got the pun.


To be continued.

Isis and Dracul Van Helsing In Paris

Dracul Van Helsing had gone to Paris this past weekend to make contact with the Egyptian vampiress Isis to discuss how to deal with a mutual enemy of both of them- the London based ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Dracul Van Helsing's first stop was the Neo-Moulin Rouge Nightclub in Paris where the vampiress Isis (who was also a songstress and singer) had just won the Parisienne Idol contest.



Egyptian vampiress Isis wins Parisienne Idol contest:
Behind her on viewer's right is the blonde Greco-Roman
vampiress Diana Artemis






Isis: "I'd like to thank all those who have helped me reach this point
in my life but I better not because then my acceptance speech would
last an eternity."






Isis: "Osiris bless you all."






"What utter blasphemy!" a Muslim jihadi suicide bomber sitting in the audience thought to himself when he reached to push the button on his jacket and realized he had left his explosive belt outside in the car.

Mohammed Abadon rushed outside to retrieve his explosive belt when he suddenly noticed his yellow Volkswagen being towed away for illegal parking by a Paris gendarme.

"Shit!" Abadon started running after the tow truck when he slipped on a rubber ducky that had been accidently dropped on the street by Britain's Rowan Atkinson (aka Mr. Bean) who had been attending the Parisienne Idol performance.

Mr. Abadon fell and cracked his head.

That was the end of Mr. Abadon.

Later when the ambulance arrived, a distraught looking Mr. Bean left the Neo-Moulin Rouge nightclub in great despair when suddenly his face lit up with joy as the stretcher wheeled the late Mr. Abadon into the waiting ambulance.

"Look Teddy, there's Ducky," Mr. Bean rushed to pick up the rubber duck and then marched down the boulevard with Teddy in one arm and Ducky in the other.


In the meantime Dracul Van Helsing located Isis on the outdoor terrace of a Napoleon III era Parisienne apartment building:

Isis: "I bet you'd like a spanking wouldn't you, Dracul Van Helsing?"
So Isis gave Dracul a spanking on the spot and then after 3 hours of passionate lovemaking, they got around to discussing what should be done about the vampire Set.

To be continued.

Princess Qonzilqointec and the Antisatellite Weapon

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was sitting in a little black dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto heeled shoes as she flew on a Boeing 767 on her way back to Mexico City from Cebu, the Philippines where the 12th ASEAN Summit had been held.

She had met with Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao while in the Philippines.

She had many interesting points of discussion with the Chinese premier.

But the most important discussion of all involved Chinese antisatellite warfare.

And the test of which Wen had talked about had turned out to be a complete success.

They had successfully destroyed an aging Chinese weather satellite using the new antisatellite weapon.

Qonzilqointec was using two cell phones as she sat and talked on the plane.

One was a camera cell phone. She was shooting images of herself to the cell phone of Dracul Van Helsing knowing that the father of her child would enjoy seeing the pictures of her attire- the dress, the nylons and the stiletto spiked heeled shoes.

She thought she had had the sound turned off on the camera cell phone (but she didn't).

The other cell phone she held to her ear as she talked to Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

"Yes Hugo," the vampire princess smiled as she talked, "our Chinese allies now have the capability to destroy satellites within a 500-mile orbit of the Earth. So I suggest you begin your preparations immediately. The Americans won't know what hit them."

* * *

Moritaka Hayasawa had come back from a London shopping trip as Dracul Van Helsing had put his camera cell phone back in his pocket.

She was wearing a little pink skirt, tan nylons and pink spiked stiletto heels.

"Hi Drac," she called to the Canadian vampire hunter.

"Hi Moritaka," Dracul smiled at her.

As Moritaka cheerfully put stuff away, Dracul wondered what Qonzilqointec had meant by the statement "The Americans won't know what hit them." ?

To be continued.




The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec:
Off the plane and into Destiny

Kali Rips Apart Contestants' Bodyguards

The Hindu vampiress Kali attacked the Big Brother house hoping to rip to pieces the 3 female contestants who were taunting contestant and Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty.

She was blocked from trying by the 3 contestants' bodyguards.

So instead she ripped apart the 3 contestants' bodyguards.

The heads of the 3 bodyguards were served on a silver platter to the 3 contestants inside the Big Brother house as a message from the program's sponsors that they were unhappy with the direction being taken.

Each bullying female contestant screamed as she saw what was under the platter.

"Now, this is a program much more to my liking," Renfield quipped as he watched this particular episode.

* * *

The Hindu vampiress Sati spoke to British Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown as he was visiting India.

Said Sati, "You've no doubt heard of the attack on the Big Brother house by Kali?".

"Yes," said Brown nervously, "I understand legs and arms were flying in every direction."

"Kali goes stir crazy doing things like this," said Sati, "that's why she was always able to cook one mean curry."

* * *

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was visiting Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao.

Said Qonzilqointec, "I understand you're more popular than South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun among the South Korean people in the most recent public opinion polls taken. This can be used to our advantage during the upcoming crisis on the Korean peninsula."

"I agree," said Premier Wen.

"Now what I want to know is," Qonzilqointec leaned towards him, "is what you discussed with Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert on his recent visit to Beijing."

* * *

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was sitting in his office in Tehran when suddenly the figure of a golden serpent bathed in a bright light entered his office.

"Mahmoud," the serpent spoke, "I am the Imam Mahdi. I shall soon be revealing my true self to the world. Do not let this disguise fool you. Mahmoud, I want you to attack the US naval carrier fleet in the Persian Gulf."

To be continued.

The World Is Watching Big Brother

Moritaka Hayasawa and Dracul Van Helsing were lying in one another's arms on the couch in Miss Hayasawa's dressing room.

The TV was on and they were watching the British television program Big Brother.

When the program was finished, Moritaka said, "I can't believe the racist taunts her housemates on the show are using against Bollywood India star Shilpa Shetty."

"I can't believe it either," Dracul shook his head, "her housemates should all be given a good spanking."

"You mean like I gave you earlier this evening?" Moritaka brushed his hair back, smiled and kissed him.

"Exactly," Dracul nodded.

"So, are you going to take me out to dinner somewhere?" Moritaka asked.

"All right," Dracul smiled and kissed her.

"But don't take me to one of the London sushi bars," Moritaka requested, "I don't want to come down with radioactive poisoning."

* * *

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, Renfield and Amadeus Emanon were in the sitting room of Set's colossal London mansion watching the TV program Big Brother on Set's high-definition TV screen.

When the program finished, Renfield muttered angrily, "There's not enough violence on that show. I'm going to complain to the appropriate telecommunications authority."

Amadeus said, "That Shilpa Shetty is quite a hot looking dish. I hope she wins the contest."

Set bit his long vampiric fingernails thoughtfully, "I know of one vampiress who is going to be quite ticked off with the racist and anti-Indian statements her housemates are making against Shilpa Shetty."

To be continued.




The glamourous and beautiful Bollywood film star Shilpa Shetty:
taunted by her female housemates on the British TV show Big Brother

Moritaka Hayasawa Performs

There in the spotlight...

... on the stage...

stood Moritaka Hayasawa...

vampire huntress...

by her calling...

singer...

... by her dreams...

... and by profession.

London, England. West London. The Arabian Nights Nightclub.

This was her United Kingdom musical debut.

Outside the nightclub stood a lifesize poster of herself standing in 3 different poses.

The club was packed.

But would she be a success?

All the songs she would sing would be in Japanese.

But would her English-speaking audience approve?

Minutes ago she had stood there nervously back stage behind the curtain... she had on an outfit that would dazzle them all right... black lace lingerie blouse, black leather mini skirt, fishnet nylons and black spiked stiletto heeled boots.

But when she started singing in Japanese, would her audience boo?

She noticed a handsome stranger standing there at the side of the curtains.

He seemed to be reading her thoughts for he said, "I love watching videos of Aya Matsuura and your name sake Moritaka... Miss Moritaka Chisato performing. They are singing in Japanese but with their magic, I can understand what they are singing even though I don't know the words. Music is a universal language, Miss Hayasawa. It appeals to the heart whatever language it's sung in."

"Thank you," she bowed to the stranger and he bowed back.

* * *


The stranger had been right.

The audience loved her.

3 standing ovations and 3 encores at the end.

She noticed the stranger sitting at the table in the front row. Listening most intently to every word she sung and leading the audience in his vigourous applause.

* * *

As she sat in the dressing room, there was a knock at the door.

The stranger came in carrying purple roses.

"In honour of your successful UK debut," he handed her the flowers.

"Thanks," she bowed to the man.

Then suddenly she recognized him.

"You are... " she spoke breathlessly, "Dracul Van Helsing?".

"I am," he bowed to her again.

"Well," Moritaka overcame her shyness as she stood there smoothing her skirt and adjusting her nylons, "perhaps you'd like a spanking by way of thanks." She spoke half in jest and half in earnest seriousness.

"You seem to know a lot about me," Dracul smiled at her.

To be continued.



Performing tonight live on stage:

Moritaka Hayasawa

Moritaka Hayasawa

Moritaka Hayasawa was getting ready to perform at the Arabian Nights nightclub in west London.

For the beautiful Japanese vampire huntress was also a rising young starlet on the Japanese pop music scene.

Her recent speech to the London chapter of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters at the Athenaeum coincided with her gig at the Arabian Nights nightclub. It was her first time in Britain and she was anxious to make an impression.

As such she was wearing a see-through black lingerie blouse, black leather mini-skirt, black fishnet nylon pantyhouse and black spiked stiletto leather boots.

She had just returned from a weekend trip to Plymouth where she had been spying on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who had spent this past weekend at a conference there.

Moritaka was also feeling some relief because while she had been listening to British Prime Minister Tony Blair give a speech on the War On Terror last Friday (a speech at which the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had been present), she had received an e-mail from her idiotic cousin Hari Kari Morwooahataki saying that an earthquake and a tsunami had hit her homeland.

It turned out that the earthquake was undersea- northeast of Hokkaido Island and the tsunami warning was just a precaution.

After hearing that more accurate bit of news from the BBC last Friday night, she had sent an angry e-mail back to her idiotic cousin Hari Kari Morwooahataki saying she was going to hold him down on the ground and pluck out his eyebrows when she returned to Tokyo.

Moritaka felt a sense of power spying on Set.

After all, Set had sent someone to spy on her.

She finally pulled a knife on Set's spy last week.

The spy talked.

His name was Amadeus Emanon which was an unusual name. He said he worked for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Moritaka after getting the information had let the man go. After all, he was not a vampire. Only his boss was.

That was when she resolved to follow Set to the Tony Blair speech in Plymouth where she had been informed by Gregorio Palamas (the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters) that Set would most likely be attending it.

She had first noticed Set's spy Amadeus Emanon the night she had given her speech at the Athenauem to the London Chapter of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters for this Amadeus Emanon had been sitting in the audience. So for that matter had former UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan been sitting in the audience. As well as Lord Tweedsmuir, the British House of Lords' resident foreign policy expert on Russia and China.

Hm. She wondered what Set was up to at this very moment.

* * *

Set was sitting in his arm chair reading the Times of London.

Amadeus was sitting at the piano playing a piece from Vivaldi's The Four Seasons- Winter to be exact.

Renfield was lying back on the sofa eating popcorn and live oysters and playing the hanging/decapitation of Barzan Ibrahim (Saddam Hussein's half-brother and former Chief of Intelligence for Iraq) on TV over and over again by cheerfully hitting the replay button on the remote.

To be continued.

On The Shores of Albion

Aboard the deck of HMS Albion in Plymouth, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was giving a speech on the need to keep British troops in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Said Blair, "The War on Terror cannot be won by military force alone but it cannot be won without it."

Sitting in the audience next to Labour party bigwigs was the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa watched him out of the corner of her eye.

Sitting there and looking radiantly beautiful in a long black evening dress and beautiful pearl necklace, those of the Labour party faithful sitting around her gazed at her and not Blair.

"War on terror," Moritaka Hayasawa thought to herself, "and there sitting in the audience is one of the world's greatest vampiric expressions of terror."

It had been quite a day. In London, she had been receiving reports of Buddhist groups in the city worshipping some golden serpent figure who came strolling into the city's Buddhist temples.

The Buddhists would bow before the serpent and then the serpent would turn into a man saying, "I am the Maitreya."

And members of London's Shi'ite Muslim community were eagerly talking of the springtime arrival of Islam's messianic style figure- the Imam Mahdi.

It appeared that the worlds of vampires, demons and geopolitics were about to merge head-on.

No wonder Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters wanted her to speak to the man who was both a vampire hunter and a cutting edge geopolitical analyst... Dracul Van Helsing.

Her cell phone started flashing.

She picked it up.

It was an e-mail from home.

A tsunami warning for the Pacific region after a major earthquake had just struck her homeland.



Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa (third from left, first from right) in happier times
Prior to geopolitical and literal earthquakes and vampiric and oceanic tsunamis

Princess Qonzilqointec In Managua

January 10th, 2007- Managua, Nicaragua- the inauguration of Daniel Ortega as the new President of Nicaragua.

Evening- The inaugural ball.

Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, Bolivian President Evo Morales and Ecuadorian President Rafael Correa are all standing in a circle talking.

Suddenly Bolivia's Morales stops talking and bows as he sees a woman approach.

He recognizes the woman.

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec dressed in the colourful multi-coloured dress of a Nicaraguan peasant woman.

Princess Qonzilqointec smoothed the skirt of her dress and then walked over to the four men.

All four presidents bowed to the royal personage.

"I'm sorry that Fidel was unable to make it this evening," the Princess accepted kisses on her hand from all four men, "but I'm delighted to see all you gentlemen."

"I understand your Highness," Hugo Chavez bowed to her, "that UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has appointed the new Secretary of the UN Secretariat on Climate Change and the Environment on your orders."

"That's right," Princess Qonzilqointec smiled, "his name is Lev Tomi."

"I don't think I recognize that name," Ecuador's President Correa spoke up.

"You wouldn't recognize the name," the vampire princess nodded, "but you would recognize the face for he visited you all last fall."

Princess Qonzilqointec pointed to someone pouring himself a cup of tea from a Russian samovar.

The man turned.

It was Leon Trotsky the Russian Communist that Princess Qonzilqointec turned into a vampire as he lay dying from an ice pick head wound in a Mexico City hospital back in 1940.

* * *

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed his cabinet in Tehran, "Gentlemen, I'm pleased to report that the prophet we Muslims have been waiting for... for generations... will appear this spring... the Imam Mahdi..."

* * *

Dracul Van Helsing was in a hot tub with the Venezuelan born and raised art curator Athena Guerrido. Near his hot tub was his Samsung cell phone.

A light went off informing him of an incoming e-mail.

It was an e-mail from Gregorio Palamas the President of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters.

The e-mail advised him to go to London, England right away.

Gregorio advised that it would be very important for him to meet and talk with Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa.

* * *

The Boeing 767 headed north of Managua.

"So, it's back to Mexico City?" Leon Trotsky (soon to be known to the world as Lev Tomi) smiled at Princess Qonzilqointec.

"I plan to stop off in Washington DC for an evening to see an old friend of mine," the vampire princess smiled back.

"And which old friend would that be?" Lev Tomi asked.

"Donald Rumsfeld," the Princess replied.

"You're a friend of the former US Secretary of Defense?" Lev Tomi's jaw dropped open, "The man who pushed for the US to invade Iraq?".

"I have many friends... or perhaps... I should say... people... in my web," the Aztec vampiress smiled her most seductive smile, "for what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive."




The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec:
Weaving her way and her web
across the world.

Sherlock Holmes' Birthday

It was January 6th, 1894.

Sherlock Holmes was celebrating his 40th birthday in his residence at 221B Baker Street, London.

His housekeeper Mrs. Hudson had made roast beef and yorkshire pudding for two.

But damn it, where was Watson?

Watson said he had gone out to buy a bottle of the best claret for the celebration.

But had Watson gone all the way to France to buy the best claret?

Holmes decided to start eating the roast beef and yorkshire pudding on his own.

When suddenly the door opened...

... but it was not Watson who stood there...

it was THE woman...

... Irene Adler...

... she stood there wearing a lovely green evening dresss... very low-cut...

"Are you surprised to see me, Mr. Holmes?" Irene Adler asked.

Holmes dropped his fork.

"What are you speechless, Mr. Holmes?" she approached the world's first and greatest consulting detective.

"I deduce... you are here to give me a birthday present," Holmes approached her.

Irene Adler got down on her knees.

"I use my mouth for more than just singing," the popular singer of opera and stage stated.

Holmes dropped his trousers.

* * *

"Lestrade, Lestrade, what the Hell are you doing?" the deep masculine voice shouted, "Irene is giving me her birthday present. Stop it, Lestrade!".

The black Labrador dog named Lestrade got off Lord Tweedsmuir.

For today January 6th was Sherlock Holmes' birthday and Lord Tweedsmuir had been dreaming that he was Sherlock Holmes on his 40th birthday back on January 6th, 1894.

"Out Lestrade, out!" Lord Tweedsmuir commanded.

The vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont entered the room wearing a low-cut white nightgown.

"Lestrade has disturbed your sleep, your Lordship?" Angelique smiled.

"Indeed," Lord Tweedsmuir harrumphed, "I had been having a most pleasant dream. I had dreamed that I was Sherlock Holmes back on his 40th birthday on January 6th,1894 and the lovely and beautiful Irene Adler was giving me my birthday present."

"What a positively scandalous dream... and so bohemian," Angelique Dumont laughed a soft feminine laugh.

"That's very well put," Lord Tweedsmuir smiled.

"Irene Adler..." Angelique Dumont approached Tweedsmuir, "To Sherlock Holmes she is always THE woman. Have you ever thought about THE name of THE woman, Lord Tweedsmuir? That name... Irene Adler?".

"Irene Adler?" Lord Tweedsmuir repeated the name.

"Lord Tweedsmuir, how many steps separate us in your household? How many steps from my coffin in the basement to your bedroom up here?" Angelique Dumont put her soft feminine hand tenderly on Lord Tweedsmuir's shoulder.

"There are 39 steps exactly," Lord Tweedsmuir replied.

"Irene Adler..." Angelique whispered a soft delectable whisper in Lord Tweedsmuir's ear, "Irene is the Greek word for peace... and Adler... well... you know what an adler is don't you, Lord Tweedsmuir?... a snake... a serpent... in this year of 2007, Lord Tweedsmuir, do you think a snake... a serpent... will stand up... and proclaim a kingdom of PEACE for the world?"

The New Orleans vampiress pulled down Lord Tweedsmuir's pyjamas and went down on her knees.

"Angelique," Lord Tweedsmuir shrieked, "what sharp teeth you have."

* * *

Captain Robert Falcon Scott II stood on the deck of his boat the Discovery II and rubbed his eyes.

For he could not believe his eyes.

He thought he saw a giant snake... a giant serpent... emerge from the River Thames and head in the direction of the Houses of Parliament at Westminster.

On the bank of the Thames meanwhile, Amadeus Emanon (the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's genetically cloned personal concert pianist and hired assasin) was following Japanese vampire huntress Moritaka Hayasawa down the street.

He had been ordered to spy on Miss Hayasawa by his boss.

Amadeus carefully took in every sway and swish of Miss Hayasawa's dark navy blue skirt as she walked. Every swish and sway over the back of her black leather boots.

Amadeus was enjoying this particular assignment most wholeheartedly.

Moritaka Hayasawa turned a corner.

Amadeus likewised turned the corner.

He suddenly felt the sharp edge of a silver dagger against his throat.

"Why are you following me?" Moritaka Hayasawa peered sharply into Amadeus' eyes.

* * *

Athena Guerrido wore a white blouse, a short tartan skirt, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto heeled shoes.

She was drinking a glass of Lancaster Ale.

She sat across from Dracul Van Helsing in the Sherlock Holmes Pub and Restaurant on Rice Howard Way in Edmonton.

They were celebrating Sherlock Holmes' 153rd birthday.

"To Sherlock Holmes," Athena raised her glass of beer.

"To Irene Adler," Dracul raised his.

They clanked glasses and drank.

"So Christopher Dracul Alexander Van Helsing," Athena Guerrido gazed into his eyes, "who's your Irene Adler?"


To be continued.

Vampiress Songstress Angelique Dumont

The vampiress songstress Angelique Dumont of New Orleans, USA was performing a private concert for Lord Tweedsmuir.

"Bravo! Bravo!" Lord Tweedsmuir clapped when Miss Dumont had finished performing her final aria.

The vampiress songstress was wearing a black evening dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

She bowed as Lord Tweedsmuir approached her.

"Thank you, Yvette," Lord Tweedsmuir nodded to his twenty-something French maid who had been playing the piano as Angelique sang.

Yvette who was wearing a French maid dress, black silk nylons and black spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes stood up and curtsied and then left the room.

"Yvette became a British citizen today you know?" Lord Tweedsmuir kissed Angelique's hand.

"Really?" Angelique smiled, "she plays the piano very well... for a British citizen."

Lord Tweedsmuir did not know whether to take Miss Dumont's statement as a compliment or an insult. But he decided to ignore the remark.

"I'm trying to talk Tony Blair into having the Queen give her a peerage before Mr. Blair leaves office as Prime Minister," Lord Tweedsmuir played with his moustache.

"Really?" Angelique smiled at Lord Tweedsmuir, "and what would her title be if she's given a peerage?".

"I'm thinking of something along the lines of... the Duchess of Foreplay," Lord Tweedsmuir continued to play with his moustache.

* * *


Former United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan was having dinner with British Prime Minister Tony Blair at 10 Downing Street.

"So what will you do now that you've retired?" Tony Blair asked Kofi Annan.

"The same thing I did as UN Secretary-General," Annan replied, "nothing."

Blair laughed.

Blair's singing mechanical fish on the wall guffawed.

"So how are you enjoying your last days as Prime Minister of Britain?" Annan inquired.

"I shall miss the power," Blair lamented, "not to mention seeing my picture on the BBC Evening News every night."

"I must compliment you on this meal," Annan raised his glass of Irish Guinness beer, "nobody can make fish n'chips quite like the British."

"Fish n' chips is Britain's national dish," Blair agreed, "Fish n' chips are as British as the British sausage for which fictional British cabinet Minister of Administrative Affairs James Hacker fought for so passionately against idiotic European regulations emanating from Brussels- a fight which made him the fictional Prime Minister of Great Britain."

"I was a fan of the Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister TV series myself," Kofi Annan downed the last of his Guinness, "I used to watch it on PBS New York all the time."

"I think most of PBS' programs are British are they not?" Blair took his Multiple Vitamin pills with his Guinness.

"Yes, most of the highest quality programs on American television are all British," Annan noted.

"I'm not surprised," Blair looked over at a display of Cow Dung Under Glass- a personal gift to him from US President George W. Bush.

"Tell me, Tony," Kofi put on some rap music on his ipod and started hip-hop dancing to it around the room, "do you believe there are such things as vampires and vampiresses?"



To be continued.

Qonzilqointec, Dracul Van Helsing And Moritaka Hayasawa

Dracul Van Helsing sat at a table in the Le Ronde Restaurant a rotating restaurant that was at the top of the tower of the Chateau Lacombe Crown Plaza Hotel in Edmonton.

He had received an invitation to dine there from some mysterious person who did not want to leave their name.

He sat looking out the restaurant window overseeing the North Saskatchewan River Valley when suddenly the elevator door opened.

A very beautiful woman wearing a long rose floral evening dress and white stiletto spiked high-heeled shoes got off the elevator.

It was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

The last time Dracul had met Qonzilqointec, they had made out in a cheap Mexican cantina.

Qonzilqointec had spiked his tequila with a drug and the next thing Dracul knew was that the beautiful vampire princess was ripping his heart out (quite literally!).

She was using a knife to do it in an Aztec ritual human sacrifice ceremony to the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.

Fortunately the Egyptian goddess-vampiress Isis, the Greek goddess-vampiress Athena and the Hindu goddess-vampiress Sati arrived in the nick of time along with Japan's top heart surgeon to put Dracul's still beating heart back in his chest and restore the Canadian vampire hunter to life.

"I thought I'd buy you dinner to make up for what happened the last time we met," Qonzilqointec extended her white gloved hand to Dracul and the vampire hunter kissed it.

"You mean when you ripped my heart out of my chest atop an altar on an Aztec sacrificial pyramid?" Dracul pulled out Qonzilqointec's chair and she sat down.

"Yes," she nodded.

"Well, you look radiantly beautiful tonight I must say," Dracul looked at her.

"Thanks," Qonzilqointec blushed as she brushed her hair back with her hand.

Hm. Strange, Dracul thought to himself. Here he was sitting across from a woman who had ripped his heart out in sacrifice to some pagan god and here he was telling her how radiantly beautiful she looked.

What was the term his brother-in-law (his sister's husband) had used to describe him when he had stopped the car in the middle of the road on Christmas Day and told him to drive if he was going to be such an obnoxious back-seat driver sitting in the front passenger seat of the car?

Psycho was the term his brother-in-law had used.

Wonder if there's any truth to that? Dracul thought to himself as he ordered champagne (after all, it was she who was paying for it).

Qonzilqointec ordered the large Greek salad and a glass of milk.

Dracul then ordered the roast beef heart and steak pie to be accompanied by baby potatoes.

No sooner had he finished ordering the roast beef heart and steak pie with the baby potatoes than Princess Qonzilqointec said to him, "You know speaking of babies, I'm pregnant with your child."


* * *

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set awoke with a start in his sarcophagus coffin in the Antiquities room of his colossal London estate.

For Set had dreamed of a new vampire huntress arising from the Far East- this one from the land of the Rising Sun itself- one who would be a new thorn in his side.

"Good evening, sir," his valet Athelstan arrived carrying a tray of Earl Grey tea, crumpets and strawberry jam.

"Evening boss," Renfield arrived with the latest figures from the floor of the London Stock Exchange delivered instantaneously to his Bluetooth Blueberry mobile phone.

"Morning boss," Amadeus arrived carrying a poster, "this poster I noticed on a lamp post on my afternoon walk. The girl in it looked rather pretty so I took it down."

Amadeus handed the poster to Set:


Speaking tonight at the Athenaeum:

From the Land of the Rising Sun
Japanese Vampire Huntress Moritaka Hayasawa

New Year's Day

Dracul Van Helsing kissed Athena Guerrido passionately on the lips.

He had met her last night at a New Year's Eve party.

He had first met her last fall when he had been staying in New York City.

She was an art historian and curator of an upscale Manhattan art gallery.

She had come to Edmonton to appraise the art collection of a recently departed Alberta oil millionaire.

The oil millionaire had gone into a state of shock over Ralph Klein no longer being Premier of Alberta and had dropped dead of a heart attack on Christmas Day.

Athena was at a New Year's Eve party last night wearing a pretty little black cocktail dress, black fishnet nylon stockings and black stiletto high-heeled shoes.

So she had quite naturally caught the attention of Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"Athena?" Dracul looked at her.

"Dracul," she too was surprised to see him.

Dracul had run into the ancient Greek goddess (actually a vampiress) Athena only a few days ago and now here he was running into a mortal Athena (Venezuelan by nationality) as opposed to an immortal Athena (Greek by nationality).

So they had both gone to Athena's hotel room and spent the night together.

* * *

In Caracas, Venezuela, the chief of the Venezuelan Secret Police looked at the e-mail he had just received.

His agents who he had following Athena Guerrido (because of suspected anti-Hugo Chavez sympathies) reported that she had apparently spent the night in bed with Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

He must inform the President (Hugo Chavez) of this immediately because El Presidente had a de facto alliance with the Mexican Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.


* * *

British Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown sat in his study drinking coffee.

It was New Year's Day, 2007.

And if all went according to plan, he'd become Prime Minister of Great Britain this year.

He was startled to see someone standing alongside him.

He looked up.

It was a woman. A beautiful dark-haired dark-eyed dark skinned young woman wearing a green evening dress and green spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes.

It was the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

"Good morning, Mr. Brown," she smiled at him while she sipped a refreshing glass of Ocean Spray cranberry cocktail, "I must thank you for having the drapes closed. Otherwise I'd pick up a very extreme sunburn from the sun."

"What do you want?" he asked her.

"Do you want to be remembered as a great Prime Minister of Britain?" she asked him.

"Well... yes," Brown replied.

"Here's what you must do then..." Qonzilqointec sat down on the sofa and held up a chart.

* * *

Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak slept in a darkened hotel room in Brussels, Belgium.

She was on a mission for the Ukrainian government.

Now that Bulgaria and Romania had become fully fledged members of the European Union at the stroke of midnight, January 1st, 2007, it was imperative that Ukraine also soon become a full-fledged member of the European Union.

For if it did not, Ukraine would soon fall under the orbit of Vladimir Putin's Russia.

And Inna Huculak knew that would mean the death of her Ukrainian homeland.

She must convince EU bureaucrats in Brussels to allow Ukraine to join soon.

* * *

One might wonder what a Haitian man was doing in the tiny Iraqi village of Awja in the Tikrit region north of the Iraqi capital of Baghdad.

The answer was that the man was a voodoo witch doctor from Port-au-Prince.

He was here to raise Saddam from the dead... as a zombie.

Unfortunately Saddam's body would have no soul being a zombie (unlike vampires and vampiresses, zombies did not have souls for zombies were merely automaton corpses).

But then again did Saddam really have a soul when he was alive?


* * *

Nighttime, Bangkok, Thailand.

The Spanish vampire Manuel de Rivera y Vargas walked the streets of the Thai capital looking for signs of southern Thai Muslim insurgents.

For Manuel was convinced that the New Year's Eve bombings in Bangkok were the work of Muslim extremists.

And there was something else that concerned Manuel.

He feared that the Muslim extremists were now working in concert with dark occultic powers.

* * *

To be continued.