Warehouse Rock

Announcer: And now, welcome back to the CHAOS-TV Channel 66 News with Jock Borrow and Nicole Oronto...

Nicole: Thanks Chuck. Well Jock (turning to her co-anchor): We're still getting a lot of phone calls about last night's entertainment story, the Crossbow Archery Tournament at The Warehouse Nightclub...

Jock: Yes, it seems to be one of the hottest stories we've done recently... (drops coins on the floor and gets down to pick them up and then tries to look up Nicole's skirt)...

Nicole (stabbing Jock's hand with her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes): Let's review some of the highlights of that story...

(Image of the Mongolian vampire Ghenghis the Gargantuan appears on the screen)

Ghenghis the Gargantuan: I'm going to win this archery tournament. Nobody can fire a crossbow farther and faster than me...

(Image of the masked heavy metal singer Diablos Nocturna appears on the screen)

Diablos Nocturna: Let the games begin...

(Harry Woo is called to the center of the stage. He is told to turn around and bend over and on the backside of his pants, someone has painted an archery target)

Nicole: And of course the tournament turned out to be a draw between Ghenghis the Gargantuan from Mongolia and Diablos Nocturna the masked heavy metal singer from God knows where.

Jock (in agony on the floor): Which means there will be a second tournament this weekend.

Nicole: So walk on and rock on down to the Warehouse this weekend. Like the song says, "When you're alone and life is making you lonely, you can always go- downtown..."

The Crossbow Tournament

Esmerelda Velaquez worked for CHAOS-TV Channel 66 in Los Angeles.

It was meant to be a music and culture and entertainment channel for the City of Los Angeles.

It had been bought a couple of months before by a mysterious London based Egyptian billionaire who only went by the mysterious single name SET.

One of Set's right-hand men a Mr. Renfield R. Renfield had been flying to LA from London every few days to oversee the transition to the new management.

He had shown up today wearing bandages all over- he looked like he was auditioning for a part in the new Mummy movie.

Rumour had it that Mr. Renfield had been attacked by a group of mermaids on a Copenhagen beach.

Esmerelda laughed out loud.

Anyhow Esmerelda had been assigned as CHAOS-TV's roving reporter to cover a crossbow archery tournament tonight of all things.

Her assignment had been given her by CHAOS-TV's new programming director Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell.

Mr. Campbell had started at the station a week ago.

No one was sure what Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell's qualifications to work in TV station management were.

He had been an unsuccessful candidate for the US Democratic Presidential nomination and before that had been the Vice-President of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products.

Prior to that he had been a hairdresser.

Esmerelda approached going into Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell's office with some degree of trepidation.

For Esmerelda was highly allergic to cats and Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell always had his pet Siamese cat Oysterella sitting on his lap at all times.

Esmerelda knocked on the door and since she heard a voice, she assumed that she had been summoned in.

"Well Lakhlita, tell Dracul that so far I've seen no personal communique from Set himself," Heathcliff wiped his brow with his pink handkerchief, "the only contact I've had with that unpleasant individual is having the misfortune of sitting through meetings with his right-hand man Renfield R. Renfield. Although he didn't say much today because he was bandaged up like Claude Rains was when he was the Invisible Man being visible. Right, will keep you informed."

Esmerelda stood there smoothing her gray skirt until Heathcliff got off the phone.

"Esmerelda darling," Heathcliff addressed her as the reporter suddenly started sneezing, "Bless you. Your assignment tonight is to cover a crossbow archery tournament at The Warehouse."

The Warehouse was a former warehouse which had recently been converted into a night club in downtown Los Angeles.

"A crossbow archery tournament?" Esmerelda smiled between sneezes, "that's certainly different."

"CHAOS-TV Channel 66- the station that dares to be different," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell repeated the TV station's slogan as he adjusted his Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Griffindor House tie, "and I understand that someone claiming to be a Mongolian vampire named Ghenghis is going to be there. Although he says he's not the great Khan himself."

"No, he's another type of con," Esmerelda made a pun.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell laughed while Oysterella guffawed.

"And there's going to be a heavy metal singer present," Heathcliff shared an oyster with Oysterella, "named Diablos Nocturna. Ever hear of him?".

Esmerelda gasped.

She had met the mysterious Diablos Nocturna once at a night club in New Mexico almost a year ago.

Back then, he had been singing alone.

Now, he was the lead singer in a metal band called The Dark Knights of Dante's Inferno.

Her cell phone went off just as Esmerelda was about to.

It was a text message from an unknown sender.

The message said "Think of me" which was also the name of a song sung by the character of Christine in The Phantom of the Opera.

The message was accompanied by a photo of the Phantom and Christine:


"Think of me..."

To be continued.

Renfield And The Little Mermaid

BBC News Announcer: In the news today, Renfield R. Renfield the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the prestigious London-based Set Enterprises was found tied to the rock on which the Little Mermaid sits near the city of Copenhagen. When Renfield was rescued by the Danish coast guard, he was heard to say, "Curse you Amadeus..."

Amadeus snickered as he ate potato chips and French Onion chip dip while watching television in the sitting room of the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set's colossal London home.

Just then there was a knock at the front door.

Still eating from his bag of potato chips, Amadeus went and answered the door.

A man stood there in episcopal robes, "I am His Eminence Rowan Williams the Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury..."

Amadeus slammed the door.

He went back to the sitting room and continued to watch television.

More knocking at the door.

This time Athelstan who was the billionaire vampire Set's personal valet and butler answered the door.

"I'm ArchDruid Williams," said the exasperated man, "I have an appointment to see Mr. Set."

"This way, sir," Athelstan directed the ArchDruid, "the Master is sitting in the library."

The ArchDruid followed Athelstan into the library.

Minutes later, Amadeus picked up what appeared to be a remote control and pressed a button.

But it was obviously not the TV remote control as the channel continued to be BBC News and showed Renfield being attacked on the Copenhagen beach by real live mermaids.

Suddenly screaming could be heard coming from the library.

It was the voices of both the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and the Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury shrieking in sheer terror.

"Great heavens," Athelstan opened the door, "a Crucifix seems to have come down from the ceiling."

Amadeus chuckled as he dipped another potato chip into the chip dip.

To be continued.

Godzilla Mayasaki's Dream Comes True

The Hindu Goddess Kali disguised as a Hollywood blonde started a fire on the Universal Studios movie set.




Japanese film director Godzilla Mayasaki and his secretary watched as the Universal Films Studios burned.


India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour rode to the rescue


Almost a month ago Japanese movie director Godzilla Mayasaki who now lived and worked in Hollywood had had a dream.

No it wasn't a dream like Martin Luther King's where the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners lived together in peace and harmony.

It was a dream where the multipled armed Hindu goddess Kali had bleached her hair peroxide blonde and was running around strangling everybody on the Universal Studios set where Mayasaki was trying to shoot a film.

Now of course the dream wasn't totally prophetic.

For example on that Sunday, June 1st, 2008 the multiple armed Hindu goddess Kali had indeed bleached her hair peroxide blonde but she wasn't strangling anyone. Instead she started a fire on the set.


The Hindu Goddess Kali as a peroxide blonde started a fire on the set where Godzilla Mayasaki was shooting a movie for Universal Studios.

There was another partial prophetic aspect to the dream.

There was strangling on the set but it wasn't being done by Kali.

It was being done by Godzilla Mayasaki.

And it was being done to one Harry Woo.

Harry informed everyone after a total day's shooting that he had apparently forgotten to put film in the camera.

Godzilla's strangling of Harry Woo was ultimately postponed by the fire of Kali breaking out on the set- a day that Harry's boss at Health Canada described as "a day that shall live in infamy".


Godzilla Mayasaki and his peroxide redheaded Cambodian-American secretary from Fresno, California watch the set to The Armenian Phrenologist vs. Jack The Ripper go up in flames.


In the meantime, Harry Woo had stumbled across the movie set's arsonist the Hindu vampiress Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction and was asking annoying questions like "Oh, how many arms do you have anyways?" and "oh, you tell me- I can't count that high" and "oh, how much do you spend a month on underarm deodorant anyways?".

The Hindu vampiress Kali was just about to strangle Harry Woo herself when India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour rode to the rescue.


Lakhlita Dhapour rides to the rescue