Gateway To Mars

On the South Saskatchewan River near Medicine Hat, a Trappist monk Brother Jim Gallant is standing on the banks with a Saint Bernard dog.

A Chinaman with a wide grin approaches the monk.

"Hi Jim, how's it going?" the Chinaman asked.

"Harry Woo, what are you doing here?" Brother Jim Gallant asked, "I asked Dracul Van Helsing to come here."

"oh," Harry replied, "Dracul is still in London, England. Still spying on the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set and trying to find out what he's up to. Plus Dracul still hasn't recovered from the beating that South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan gave him when she found out that the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had just given birth to a child she had after making out with Dracul last November."

"I see," said Brother Jim.

"That Saint Bernard you've got with you?" Harry pointed at the Saint Bernard, "isn't that Dracul Van Helsing's dog Samson?".

"Yes, it is," Brother Jim replied.

"But I thought he was serving a life sentence in a cage at the Camp David dog kennels for defecating on US President George Dubya Bush's shoe a few years ago?" Harry pointed out.

"He was," Brother Jim nodded, "but he escaped from the dog kennels this summer and went and defecated on New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's shoes. As soon as President Bush heard the news that Samson had defecated on Sen. Clinton's shoes, he granted the dog an automatic pardon."

Samson grinned and wagged his tail.

"So, what's he doing with you?" Harry asked.

"They won't let him into Britain because British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has a fetish about his shoes always being clean," Brother Jim remarked.

"So he's staying with you?" Harry asked.

"Yes, although the abbot at the monastery is complaining about Samson eating too much food."

"So, what are you doing in Medicine Hat?" Harry asked "and why did you want Dracul here?".

"The abbot is a friend of the priest at Saint Patrick's Church here in Medicine Hat," Brother Jim answered, "and the priest told him that there's a mysterious serpent that's been seen floating the river here at Medicine Hat. According to an old Indian legend, a demonic serpent spirit ordered a great warrior to sacrifice his wife to him at this particular spot along the river. The warrior first sacrificed his dog...."

Samson immediately goes running the other direction.

"And when that failed to appease the serpent spirit, then the man sacrificed his wife," Brother Jim explained, "and in return the serpent spirit gave the warrior Eagle Birth a Medicine Man's hat which gave Eagle Birth great power and wealth and the ability to heal as a result."

"So you figure this is the same demonic spirit that's haunting the River now?" Harry asked.

"Could be," Brother Jim nodded, "earlier this spring, the priest said he saw a German guy running around Medicine Hat with a bunch of Russian guys. This German guy apparently used a hypodermic needle to extract blood from the serpent. Then the German and the Russians left."

"Where did they go?" Harry asked.

"How should I know?" Brother Jim replied.

"I thought you were smarter than me," Harry said.


* * *


In Pyongyang the North Korean capital, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong was giving a report on his recent visit to Russia.

His audience was the Central Committee of the North Korean Workers' Party. The country's dictator Kim Jong-il oversaw the proceedings sitting on a jade dragon throne.

"Don't mind me while I have a bowel movement," the so-called Dear Leader smiled, "my throne has a special potty hole in it."

"That must be quite a relief, Dear Leader," Vice-President Kim Sum-dong nodded, "anyways the East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen is now doing special experiments for the Kremlin."

"What sort of experiments?" the Dear Leader demanded to know.

"He recently extracted DNA from the blood of a Canadian river serpent and also DNA from the blood of the Egyptian crocodile shape-shifter Sobek and he also managed to get traces of blood from Johnny Depp when he was playing the role of Captain Jack Sparrow in the most recent Pirates of the Caribbean movie not to mention DNA from the hair of the preserved beard of the real notorious pirate Captain Blackbeard as well as DNA from Naga the Cambodian cobra serpent-god of the waters," Kim Sum-dong explained, "and he used this to create a pirate named Captain Cobra who has recently been attacking US interests on rivers and seas all over the world the past month."

"Wow, this sounds like an Edgar Rice Burroughs novel," the Dear Leader remarked, "is he also working on a gateway to Mars like Burroughs talked about?".

"No but President Putin told me that the real reason President Bush and Prime Minister Blair invaded Iraq was because in 2001 Iraq's Saddam Hussein discovered the ruins of an ancient portal that the Nephilim (the descendents of fallen angels and mortal women that were talked about in Genesis Chapter 6) used as an interdimensional gateway to travel back and forth between Earth and the planet Mars. The Americans and the British did not want Saddam's scientists to figure out how the portal worked with the end result that Iraq would become the first nation to land on Mars not by using space travel but by using this interdimensional portal built by the Nephilim using technological know-how given to them by demons."

"How does this fit in with the materialistic theories of Karl Marx?" the Dear Leader Kim Jong-il asked as he reached for a roll of toilet paper.


* * *


Meanwhile in a dungeon in the basement of the Kremlin, Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak (who had spied on the meeting between Russian President Vladimir Putin, North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong and East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen) was being held a prisoner by the dreaded Russian FSB.


Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak: Held captive in the Kremlin.

Comrade Nicht Werhoffen

North Korean Vice-President Kim Sum-dong was being given a tour of the Kremlin's secret research facilities by Russian President Vladimir Putin.

"And now Mr. Kim," President Putin entered a conference room, "I'd like you to meet the man in charge of our Special Research and Development Project, Comrade Nicht Werhoffen."

"Comrade Nicht Werhoffen?" the North Korean picked his nose with a chopstick, "that name sounds vaguely familiar for some reason."

"Comrade Nicht Werhoffen was the assistant deputy head of the East German Stasi during the glorious days of the Cold War," Putin smiled, "I first got to know him when I served as a KGB operative in East Berlin."

"I've read about your days as a KGB operative in Germany," Kim continued to pick his nose with a chopstick, "I believe in your autobiography it said that you spent most of your time leafing through the lingerie section of West German department store catalogues."

"That's very true," Putin's eyes positively sparkled in reply, "you know I still kept that chair I used when I used to do that. One of these days I should have that chair steam cleaned and put in my office in the Kremlin."

"I always wondered what became of Comrade Nicht Werhoffen after the collapse of East Germany," Kim wiped the chopstick on the North Korean diplomatic attache's suit, "he seemed to have vanished into thin air."

The 400 lb. Comrade Nicht Werhoffen waved at the trio while he sat at his desk eating 69 Big Macs purchased from a Moscow McDonald's.

"Well as you can see," Putin pointed at the rotund figure, "he did not vanish into thin air."

"I'm going to have to take my suit in to be dry cleaned," the North Korean diplomatic attache started to cry.

"Did he flee to Moscow after the German Democratic Republic went belly-up?" Kim Sum-dong asked.

"Indeed he did," Putin nodded, "after East Germany collapsed in 1990 he fled to Moscow and joined the Soviet KGB. After the Soviet Union collapsed in 1991 he kissed Boris Yeltsin's backside and joined the Russian FSB. He remained with the FSB until I became President in 1999. After becoming President, I named him in charge of my Special Research and Development Project."

"And what is this Special Research and Development that you're having him do?" Kim asked.

"It's part of the asymmetrical warfare we're conducting against Britain, Israel and the United States," Putin started to explain.

In the next room, Ukrainian nationalist vampiress Inna Huculak (who had been spying and eavesdropping on the meeting) turned her eyes and ears from the wall and thought to herself, "The Canadian vampire hunter and geopolitical analyst Dracul Van Helsing must be informed of this immediately."



Ukrainian vampiress Inna Huculak: "Dracul Van Helsing must be informed of this immediately."

Venezuelan Missiles Ready For Launch

"Senor Presidente," Venezuelan General Primera addressed Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, "the Russian nuclear missiles we bought are ready to be launched at your immediate command."

"Great," President Chavez smiled, "we wait for President Bush to make certain moves first and then we strike. After all, we don't want history to consider us the warmongers."

To be continued.

To Clone Or Not To Clone?...

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was immensely pleased with himself.

Only today they had announced the discovery of an outpost of Alexander the Great on the Kuwaiti island of Failaka. It had been established by Alexander's general Nearchus.

Of course the settlement had been found by archaeologists much earlier.

It was only today the find had been made public.

Among the objects found was a lock of hair in a liquid vial.

The vial itself had been made from ancient glass.

The liquid was some sort of preservative that had also been used in Egyptian mummification.

The lock of hair in the vial was said to belong to Alexander the Great in the inscription on a stone knife below the vial where it was found.

So naturally Set had arranged to get ahold of the vial and had used his laboratories to extract the DNA from the lock of hair.

And now on the same day this discovery of Alexander's outpost at Failaka was announced, Set Laboratories was ready to present the clone of Alexander the Great.

"Ready, Boss?" Renfield enquired.

"Ready," Set smiled.

Renfield pushed a button that turned around the huge glass test tube that contained the body of the Alexander clone.

Renfield and Set both gasped when they looked upon the features of Alexander the Great.

Set swallowed, "He looks familiar."

Renfield agreed and also swallowed, "He certainly does, boss."

Amadeus Emanon (who was busy eating a can of Beluga caviar that he had bought from a duo of Irish sand digging beachcombers on the Irish Sea coast earlier this summer) remarked, "He's the spitting image of Dracul Van Helsing."

"Amadeus, shut up," Set commanded.

"I believe Dracul's third name is Alexander isn't it?" Amadeus started spreading the caviar on a Ritz cracker, "Christopher Dracul Alexander Nicolas Van Helsing. Maybe Alexander is a family name going back generations. Perhaps he's a descendent of Alexander the Great."

"Amadeus, shut up," Renfield pushed a button on another computer, "er... um... computer analysis shows similarity between the DNA of Alexander the Great and Dracul Van Helsing. They are related."

"I believe Dracul is also descended from King Arthur isn't he?" Amadeus quietly munched on his caviar and cracker, "And didn't the 13th century Franciscan friar Roger Bacon who wrote that prophetic book you stole from the Vatican Secret Archives, didn't he predict that your tomb would be rediscovered in the early 20th Century which it was? And didn't he also predict that you'd be eventually slain by a descendent of King Arthur?".

"Amadeus, for the final time, SHUT UP!" Set seethed.

"Boss, do you want me to put this clone of Alexander the Great on ice for a while?" Renfield asked.

"Please do," Set mopped his brow, "And what is our Ziyi Zhang clone up to? The one you've trained to think that she's the real life daughter of Fu Manchu?".

"Well," Renfield beamed proudly as he pushed a button bringing down a large screen projector, "here's a live broadcast from the physics lab at the University of Saint Andrews where said Daughter of Fu Manchu is busy working with levitating objects."



Daughter of Fu Manchu experiments with levitating object at Saint Andrews University, Scotland.

The Daughter of Fu Manchu

"What are you working on, Renfield?" Amadeus Emanon asked the shapeshifting hamster.

"Another genetic clone," Renfield replied as he sat in a computer control room over the isolation lab of Set Enterprises' Genetics wing.

"Who's this a clone of?" Amadeus asked as he munched on a bag of Sour Cream N' Onion potato chips.

"Ziyi Zhang," Renfield replied.

"Ziyi Zhang the lovely and beautiful Chinese actress who starred in The House of Flying Daggers, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and Memoirs of A Geisha?" Amadeus dropped a potato chip on the floor.

"That's the one," Renfield nodded, "you a fan?".

"I must confess I am," Amadeus picked the potato chip off the floor and dipped it in some Green Horse Radish Chip Dip.

"Something you and Dracul Van Helsing share in common," Renfield harrumphed.

"Dracul Van Helsing," Amadeus reached for another potato chip, "I hear he and the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec had a child last Wednesday."

"A baby girl," Renfield snorted, "her name is Chantal Aishwarya Ziyi Andalucia Qonzilqointec Van Helsing."

"Ziyi," Amadeus nodded, "probably named after Ziyi Zhang I imagine and Aishwarya was probably named after India's leading actress Aishwarya Rai. I like her too."

"Yes," Renfield coughed, "you and Van Helsing seem to have similar taste in women."

"I've been told that I share a similar taste in potato chips with Harry Woo," Amadeus noted.

"What? You only buy bags of potato chips with discount coupons?" Renfield snorted again.

"As a matter of fact, yes," Amadeus bit into another chip.

"Figures," Renfield pushed a button on the control panel.

"Where did you get the DNA from Miss Zhang?" Amadeus brought the dish of Green Horse Radish Chip Dip to his mouth and started slurping away.

"I was in hamster form on the set of Memoirs of A Geisha and when Ziyi Zhang accidently broke one of her long painted fingernails (which I must say caused much consternation and a Chinese language spaz attack on the set), I ran off with it to extract the DNA," Renfield beamed.

"Wouldn't some of the nail polish have gotten in with the DNA as well?" Amadeus asked.

"Amadeus shut up!" Renfield ordered.

"Wow, there she is," Amadeus looked through the window into the Genetics lab.

"That's right," Renfield laughed, "my own little Ziyi Zhang clone."

"What are you going to do with her?" Amadeus asked as he finished slurping the last of the horse radish chip dip.

"Well I've programmed her mind with the writings of Sax Rohmer and the Christopher Lee Fu Manchu Hammer Studios Films of the 1960s," Renfield cackled, "I've programmed her to think she's the real life daughter of Fu Manchu."

"Why?" Amadeus searched through his wallet to try to find a Steak and Kidney Pie discount coupon.

"Because with the evil mindset she now has and with her looks," Renfield smiled, "she'll be our secret weapon to lure in Dracul Van Helsing into our clutches."

The shapeshifting hamster then laughed like Vincent Price at the end of the Michael Jackson song Thriller.


Renfield's masterpiece the genetically created Daughter of Fu Manchu:
Ready and waiting to lure in the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing

Bridge Over Troubled Water

Early Wednesday evening, August 1st, 2007.

The two boys stood on the bank of the Mississippi River that flowed through the city of Minneapolis, Minnesota.

They could see that evening traffic rush hour had begun on the Minneapolis Bridge.

"Did you know," Henry said to Jimmy, "that some mysterious phantom pirate figure has been killing people around the world the past couple of weeks?"

"You're making that up," Jimmy said.

"No, I'm not," Henry protested, "various blogging sites around the world have noted it. This pirate first killed a couple of fishermen off the coast of Maine. Then he killed a whole bunch of US Coast Guard officers off the coast of South Carolina. And only yesterday he killed a CIA agent on the Nile River not far from Cairo."

"How's he able to get his pirate ship around the world so fast?" Jimmy demanded to know.

"I don't know," Henry shrugged his shoulders, "it's obviously a supernatural pirate ship. It seems to come out of nowhere."

"Both you and those bloggers you read are crazy," Jimmy laughed.

"Are not," Henry's face turned red.

"Are too," Jimmy stuck his tongue out at him.

"Oh my gosh, look, there it is," Henry pointed at the tall vast pirate ship with the huge mast that he saw.

"There what is?" Jimmy looked in the direction Henry was pointing but could see nothing.

"You see it don't you?" Henry looked at Jimmy curiously, "that tall black ship with the pirates' flag on its sails and that huge black mast? And that huge blood red lettering on the front of the ship? LEVIATHAN?".

"You're making that up," Jimmy screamed at Henry.

It dawned on Henry that Jimmy couldn't see the ship.

Maybe Jimmy was right.

Maybe he was crazy.

"Look... look... Jimmy," Henry pointed again, "there it is. It's headed right for the bridge. And its huge mast is going to clip that bridge."

"I'm going to clip your nose, pal," Jimmy raised his fist.

Then he stopped as both boys heard a cracking sound.

They both turned to look and in a space of only 4 seconds, the Minneapolis Bridge collapsed and came down like a house of cards.

Both boys looked in horror.

Henry even more so.

For further down stream, a pirate captain figure stood on the back of the ship smiling at the collapsed bridge.

The pirate captain had the head of a crocodile and the tongue of a snake.

And in his arm that was made of flesh (and not metallic like his other arm), he held a living cobra.

The pirate threw the cobra into the waters of the Mississippi where it seemed to swim in the direction of the motor vehicles that were now in the water.

To be continued.

Qonzilqointec Gives Birth On Lammas Night August 1st 2007

BORN: to Qonzilqointec Princess Royal of the Aztecs, High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl and Vampiress Extraordinaire

-and-

Christopher Dracul Alexander Nicolas Van Helsing, Canadian vampire hunter extraordinaire, Geopolitical analyst and noted Aristotelian/Thomistic philosopher and theologian

a baby girl weighing 7 lbs. 7 oz.

named Chantal Aishwarya Ziyi Andalucia Qonzilqointec Van Helsing



Olympic priestesses in Olympia, Greece mark the birth of Dracul Van Helsing's daughter Chantal with the lighting of an Olympic torch