Lakhlita Dhapour and Dracul Van Helsing

Lakhlita Dhapour's red sports car wasn't going very fast after running over broken glass.

It had been a fabulous 3 days for the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and Lakhlita Dhapour India's top vampire huntress since Dracul and Lakhlita had first met on the lawn in Saint James' Park.

Lakhlita Dhapour who was also an intelligence agent for India's intelligence agency the Cabinet Secretariat Research and Analysis Wing (RAW) had come to London to track down a shape-shifter who was working in cahoots with Pakistan's ISI (Inter-Services Intelligence).

This shape-shifter still had not been spotted in human form but in the form of a golden serpent.

It had come to the attention of RAW that this shape-shifting golden serpent had been seen making contact with the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

So RAW sent to London an agent who was also an accomplished vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour.

Lakhlita and Dracul had spent a lot of time sightseeing and making out.

Lakhlita then received a message from RAW Headquarters in New Delhi to her cell phone, "When are you going to get some work done?".

Dracul likewise received a message from the Athens Headquarters of the International Federation of Vampire Hunters, "when are you going to get some work done?".

So last night they had a stakeout in front of Set's colossal London home using Lakhlita's red sports car.

About 6 in the morning as Dracul was busy with his tongue in Lakhlita's mouth, Lakhlita suddenly cried out that someone was leaving the mansion.

Dracul sat back in the passenger seat and Lakhlita adjusted her short white pleated skirt before stepping on the pedal and the clutch with her high-heeled shoes as the red car followed the Rolls-Royce limousine.

"I think someone is following us," Amadeus Emanon stated as he sat alongside a golden serpent and Renfield in the comfortable back seat of the limousine.

"Now you're going to see that I use boxes of thumb tacks for more than sticking tacks into thumbs during my unauthorized interrogation sessions on behalf of Set Industries," Renfield stated as he rolled down the window and threw a box of tacks out on to the street.

"You'll also see why I never recycle," Renfield added as he thew a carton of empty beer bottles out the window.

As Amadeus, Renfield and the shapeshifting golden serpent headed off to Lambeth Palace for a meeting with Rowan Williams the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom Dracul Van Helsing called the ArchDruid of Canterbury), Lakhlita called for a tow truck on her cell phone.

Later at the garage:


Lakhlita Dhapour to Dracul Van Helsing:
"So Drac, we'll have to use your car when visiting Lovers' Lane tonight."

Shilpa Shetty Meets Tony Blair

Shilpa Shetty went to Parliament and thanked Tony Blair.

Shilpa Shetty the winner of the UK Channel 4's Celebrity Big Brother contest was invited to Parliament.

She watched the Prime Minister's Question Period in the House of Commons and was invited to meet British Prime Minister Tony Blair afterwards.

Said Shilpa of the meeting, "He was very very kind and said he was very sad to see what I had to go through in there". Miss Shetty was referring to the bullying and racist taunts she endured in the Big Brother house.

The Commons chef prepared a special dessert in her honour called "Shilpa's delight".

Miss Shetty met many MPs and Lords.

Among the Lords she met was Lord Tweedsmuir the House of Lords' resident expert on Russia and China and their geopolitical influence in the world.

Lord Tweedsmuir had as his escort one Angelique Dumont the vampiress songstress and star of the current production of The Phantom of the Opera going on in London's West End.

As Shilpa went through the cloud of well wishers, she happened to recognize the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"Dracul," she went up and kissed him, "I read your letter to BBC News defending me."

"You're welcome my dear," Dracul kissed her hand, "anything for a lady."

"Would you like to hear my Winston Churchill impersonation?" British Conservative leader David Cameron grabbed her.

"Didn't I see you at the Davos Summit with Princess Qonzilqointec?" Tony Blair asked Dracul as he passed by him.

"You did," Dracul smiled.

"She helped me write my speech on Climate Change," Blair shook Dracul's hand and went on to speak to Lord Tweedsmuir.

Dracul thought to himself, "Yes, Qonzie is busy promoting a Climate Change agenda as are the Environmental whackos. 2012 is the year the Kyoto Protocol must be fulfilled- coincidentally 2012 is also the year the feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl is supposed to return according to Mayan and Aztec prophecies."

And of course Qonzilqointec had also got the UN to appoint the Russian Communist vampire Leon Trotsky (now living Undead and vampirically under the pseudonym Lev Tomi) as the new Secretary of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change.

Dracul Van Helsing looked in the direction of Lord Tweedsmuir.

Behind him stood Angelique Dumont.

Angelique Dumont had been turned into a vampiress by Dracul's good friend the Spanish vampire concert pianist Manuel de Rivera y Vargas as she lay dying in a flooded New Orleans mausoleum that had just been flooded by the waves of Hurricane Katrina.

Angelique had worked briefly as Dracul's night time secretary in his Private Eye office before she landed the part of Christine in the latest London West End production of The Phantom of the Opera.

He had been told that she seemed to be hanging around Lord Tweedsmuir quite a bit.

Dracul wondered what she was up to.

After having tea and some of the special Shilpa's Delight dessert, Dracul then left Westminster.

It had been a whirlwind couple of weeks. Davos, Switzerland. Then London. Then a trip to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania to celebrate Groundhog Day with the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

And now London again.

He was glad he had been in London to mark Shilpa Shetty's triumphal visit to Parliament.

Dracul went for a walk through Saint James' Park.

As he did so, Dracul Van Helsing noticed sitting on the grass another person he recognized from the land of India- India's top vampire huntress Miss Lakhlita Dhapour.


India's vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour smiled at Dracul Van Helsing
as she saw him approach.

What Happened To Ishmael's Ram?

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set entered the dining room where Renfield and Amadeus were sitting. Renfield was eating a tuna sandwich and Amadeus was reading a newspaper.

"Renfield," Set spoke in an angry tone.

"Yes, boss," Renfield gulped. He was familiar with that tone.

"You told me last week a plot by the Pakistani ISI that was funded by a pro-al-Qaeda Saudi prince was going to occur," Set seethed, "a plot backed by that golden serpent shape-shifter that's recently appeared on the world supernatural scene- that serpent shape-shifter who calls himself the Imam Mahdi- a plot known as Ishmael's Ram was going to happen in America."

"I believed that it would," Renfield's face turned so ghostly white that Amadeus thought Renfield was shapeshifting back into a hamster.

"Well, I don't recall reading in today's paper about thousands and thousands of people keeling over at yesterday's Super Bowl in Miami," Set threw his own newspaper to the floor where the billionaire Egyptian's pet jackal Anubis promptly crapped all over it.

"It was my understanding that the Carrier as he was called in Islamic circles was being flown on a plane to Miami and the isolation lab he was in would then be driven by truck to the Super Bowl where the Carrier would be released and would wander around the stadium infecting hundreds of thousands of people who would then fly home all across the US and infect others. It would be a 24-hour gestation period before any signs would show up," Renfield explained.

"But I hear nothing at all on the News about any sickness being spread among humans at the moment," Set seethed still, "what happened?".

"Er..." Renfield gulped again, "I just got a text message on my cell phone that the Pakistani plane was vapourized by a laser death ray satellite while flying across the Pacific just east of the Philippines."

"Laser death ray satellite?" Set approached Renfield, "They're not supposed to officially exist. In fact neither the Russians nor the Americans nor the Chinese have a fully operational laser death ray satellite. Only my company Set Enterprises has a fully operational laser death ray satellite. Are you saying one of our satellites vapourized the Ishmael's Ram plane?".

Renfield looked at the serial number on the magnified photo of the culprit laser death ray satellite and gulped again, "Um... yep... it was one of ours."

"How's that possible?" Set screamed, "only you and I know the access codes to that satellite."

Renfield turned white again, "Boss, it wasn't me... I swear..."

Set looked at Renfield, "I know it couldn't be you. I know you're not the type of person to stop such wanton death and destruction as would be carried out by the Carrier. You'd have revelled in this Ishmael's Ram plague."

"Indeed I would, sir," Renfield forced a grin.

"Someone or some government must have found a way to infiltrate our communications systems," Set paced the room, "no doubt something very clever and sophisticated."

"No doubt, sir," Renfield agreed.

Amadeus Emanon looked over at the small writing pad beside the lamp- the writing pad Renfield used to jot down important information such as access codes- he'd rip off the top sheet of paper not realizing that the pencilled inscriptions would also show up on the piece of paper immediately underneath.

Amadeus smiled as he read about the latest Paris Hilton and Britney Spears antics after the Super Bowl.

Qonzilqointec and Dracul Van Helsing On February Groundhog Day

"You look surprised, Dracul Van Helsing," the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec seductively put her hands on her hips and gazed at her Canadian vampire hunting lover, "Are you surprised to see me dressed like this on a cool and cloudy Pennsylvania winter day?"

"No, I'm not surprised to see you dressed like that," Dracul Van Helsing calmly answered as he appreciatively took in her low-cut cream coloured blouse tank top and her short red skirt.

"So, why do you look surprised?" she smiled as she kissed him tenderly on the lips.

The Dracster kissed her back and held her in his arms, "I'm surprised that even though it's a cloudy morning here in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania- there's still sunlight even on a cloudy day and how can a vampiress- even a vampire princess such as yourself- not melt into oblivion during the daytime?".

"Being a High Priestess of Quetzalcoatl has its priviledges," she smiled, "Quetzalcoatl created a wine that allows a vampiress to drink it and become immune to the effects of the sun for up to 12 days in any given year. This is the first time I've drunk it this year. I have 11 more days to use up now during the year."

"And you picked Groundhog Day as one of your days?" Dracul kissed her again.

"Yes," she smiled at him.

Punxsutawney Phil, seer of all seers, predictor of all predictors, emerged from his burrow at Gobbler's Knob at 7:28 AM and predicted an early spring not seeing his shadow.

"An early spring," Qonzilqointec smiled and kissed Dracul again, "it is indeed springtime."

Like the groundhog on this day, Princess Qonzilqointec did not cast a shadow either.

But she had a shadow-

it was a very long shadow-

but an invisible one.



Likewise Princess Qonzilqointec
lover of Dracul Van Helsing
cast no shadow
this February 2nd.