Renfield Meets Kali

As Dracul Van Helsing explained to Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell the havoc that the Hindu vampiress Kali was wreaking upon America, Renfield the shapeshifting hamster was meeting with Kali in downtown Los Angeles.

"So," Renfield helped himself to his plate of curried salmon and mermaid, "this is delicious. I'm glad you were able to find an Indian restaurant that served curried mermaid. I always wanted to try it."

As the news on the TV set in the restaurant mentioned the two tornadoes that had recently hit southern California, Kali smiled.

For she (who was worshipped as the Hindu goddess of death and destruction) was responsible for those two tornadoes that had hit southern California. Not to mention the numerous tornadoes that were hitting the US this year. Not to mention the recent cyclone that had hit Burma.

"So," Kali smiled, "I understand your employer's pick to be the next President of the United States sort of fizzled at the ballot box."

"Yes," Renfield nodded as he bit into a curried mermaid eyeball, "just like Firefighters For Kerry went down the drain in 2004, so Hairdressers 4 Dionysus ran out of hairspray in '08."

"And I understand the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec is still trying to draft Al Gore," Kali laughed.

"Yes and the Greek vampiress Hecate who was the ancient Greek goddess of witchcraft as well as the three hags on the Scottish heath who inspired Lord and Lady Macbeth and the black magic resurrected Gorgon Medusa had all thrown their broomsticks and their cracked mirrors behind Hillary Rodham Clinton. But despite the unlikely coalition of feminists and Homer Simpsons (unwashed uncouth beer guzzling belly scratching belching white American blue collared workers), this wasn't enough to stop Barack Obama."

"Obama who is supported by vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing," Kali frowned.

To be continued.

Dracul Meets Heathcliff At San Diego Seaworld

"So do you mean to say the person responsible for financing my run for the Presidency was an ancient Egyptian vampire named Set who was worshipped by the ancient Egyptians as a demon god of darkness?" Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell looked shocked.

"That's right," Dracul Van Helsing nodded.

"What makes this ancient Egyptian god of the desert and darkness think that I would have acted as his puppet if I was elected President?" Heathcliff asked.

"It's because you're a hairdresser," Dracul replied, "Being so old (even older than Sen. John McCain), he suffered from various preconceived stereotypes."

"Well, just because I'm a hairdresser doesn't mean that I'm a pushover," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell adjusted the pink carnation in his suit lapel.

His pet Siamese cat Oysterella spat in agreement at this statement.

"I just love what you did with my hair," India's top vampire huntress Lakhlita Dhapour called from the heartshaped chair in Heathcliff's impromptu hairdressing tent stand down at San Diego's SeaWorld.


Lakhlita Dhapour: I just love what you did with my hair.

"And you mean to say another member of the vampirically undead who's worshipped as a pagan deity is causing trouble for America," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell tipped his hat in the direction of Lakhlita.

Princess Qonzilqointec On Saint Dunstan's Day

Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec enjoying sun's rays in London's Saint James' Park

Thanks to a special sunscreen lotion developed for her by the Kremlin's East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen, Princess Qonzilqointec was now able to enjoy the sun's rays without being fried to a crisp like would happen to most vampiresses.

Dracul Van Helsing saw the lovely Aztec vampiress sitting on the bench and approached her.

Qonzilqointec leapt off the bench in her spiked stiletto high-heeled shoes and went running into Dracul's arms where she showered him with passionate kisses.

Passionate kisses that Dracul returned.

Earlier this month Dracul had rescued Qonzilqointec from an insidious plot by Stalinist hag Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton to bump off the breathtakingly lovely Aztec vampiress.

"I heard you were in America awhile on the lookout for the Hindu vampiress Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction," Qonzilqointec spoke between kisses.

"Yes, but after a meeting she had with California Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar," Dracul replied between kisses, "she seems to have disappeared again. When I heard you were in London, I flew over here."

"Come, Dracul," she grabbed his hand and they went for a walk through the park.

They soon came upon the sight of a fellow dressed in Anglican bishop's robes who was laying face forward on a prayer mat with his episcopal rear end sticking up in the air.

The bishop was praying in the direction of Mecca.

"I wonder who that is?" Qonzilqointec was inquisitive.

"I believe that's Rowan Williams the Anglican ArchDruid of Canterbury," Dracul replied, "the one who called for the imposition of sharia law in Britain earlier this year."

"Oh yes," Qonzilqointec said, "he must be very ecumenical. I heard this morning on BBC News that he said a Roman Catholic Mass For the Dead for the Arian heretic Arius yesterday on Trinity Sunday."

"And today is May 19th, the Feast of Saint Dunstan an Archbishop of Canterbury who was martyred for his Christian faith back in 988 AD," Dracul remarked, "how times have changed. These days you wouldn't catch an Anglican Archbishop of Canterbury dead in wanting to be martyred for the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Christian Faith."

Dracul booted the Archdruid of Canterbury in his episcopal rear end as he and Qonzilqointec walked by.

This sent the Archdruid of Canterbury flying into the lake where he was immediately attacked by a flock of angry geese.

The Archdruid's cries of all being brothers and sisters under the divine maternity of Mother Earth Gaia went totally unheeded by the attacking honking angry geese.


Princess Qonzilqointec on Saint Dunstan's Day

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell In Oregon

Sunday night in Florence, Oregon.

Former presidential candidate Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had spent the past week in Oregon campaigning for Barack Obama for this coming Tuesday's Democratic primary in Oregon.

Now he was in the town of Florence, Oregon where he had just been given a t-shirt that said, Paris, London, Rome... Florence, Oregon.

His Siamese cat Oysterella had just been given a tiny sweater that said the same thing.

"I'd like to thank the people of Florence, Oregon very much for this great honour," Heathcliff said as he ate his seafood dinner of crab, lobster, scallops, oysters, shrimps, fish and clam chowder soup with dinner rolls and pumpkin pie for dessert plus tea all of which came to the grand total of $3.95 US, "and I know Oysterealla is still enjoying her dinner as well..."

The townspeople of Florence broke into cheers.

"I was just remarking to Oysterella the other day," Heathcliff finished his pumpkin pie, "that the people of Oregon seem to be much more intelligent than the people of California. Californians have already shown how brainless they are by voting for that hag Hillary Clinton back on the Super Tuesday primary. Now Oregonians have the opportunity to show their superior IQs to Californians by going out and voting for Barack Obama this coming Tuesday..."

The people of Florence broke into cheers.

When Oysterella had finished her seafood dinner, she then purred contentedly.

To be continued.

May 13th- Kali and The Governor of Kali-fornia

The date was May 13th, 2008.

California Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneggar's phone was ringing.

The governor answered, "Hello?".

It was movie maker Godzilla Mayasaki asking if the Governor would make a cameo appearance in his next movie.

"Sure," Arnie said and put down the phone.

All of a sudden Arnie heard a commotion from the next room.

Arnie opened the door and...


The Hindu Goddess Kali beckoned: Come fire walk with me.

"WTF?" Arnie closed the door.

Then Arnie noticed a statue on his desk that he had never noticed before:


Statue of the Hindu Goddess Kali


He then noticed the coloured comics section of the newspaper on his chair with the following comic strip picture:


Kali as comic strip heroine


Perturbed the Governor went over to look at his mail and noticed the following picture on a stamp:

Kali on a postage stamp


Suddenly he looked over at the wall painting in his office and noticed that the painting of George W. Bush riding a buffalo was gone and was replaced by this:

Painting of Goddess Kali

The governor then went to the cabinet below the painting and picked up his doodle pad when he suddenly noticed the following doodle that he must have subconsciously sketched:



Doodle of the Goddess Kali


Arnold decided that he really needed to have a good bowel movement so he opened the bathroom door where he was greeted by the following wax effigies:


Effigies of Kali & Associates


The Terminator decided that maybe he better go lay down and rest for a while.

When he opened his bedroom door, he noticed the following picture on his bed sheet:


The Hindu Goddess Kali dancing over a severed head.

The phone rang in the bedroom.

Arnie went over to pick it up.

It was the voice of his secretary.

"Governor," his secretary spoke, "Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on the line..."

To be continued,

The Angel In The Whirlwind and Tornadoes

The woman was dressed in a blue sari mini dress, black silk nylons and blue spiked stiletto heels.

She was Lakhlita Dhapour India's top vampire huntress.

And she was surveying the damage done by one of the over 600 tornadoes that had struck the US this year.

"You are saying a vampiress is behind this destruction?" Lakhlita asked Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who was also surveying the damage.

"A supervampiress," Dracul Van Helsing answered, "just like there are super delegates who will play an all important role at the US Democratic National Convention in Colorado in August, so there are supervampires and supervampiresses who have played an all important role throughout the history of the world."

"And we're only noticing these supervampires and supervampiresses now?" Lakhlita asked.

"The super vampires and super vampiresses were worshipped as the gods and goddesses of the ancient world- a lot of them," Dracul Van Helsing explained, "the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set who now lives in London was worshipped as the god of the desert by the ancient Egyptians. His sister-in-law Isis was considered queen of the gods while his brother Osiris was considered the king of the Egyptian pantheon and the god of the underworld. Super vampires and super vampiresses all of them."

"So why have I been summoned to the US from my home country?" Lakhlita asked.

"Because this damage was done by an Indian super vampiress," Dracul replied.

"Was this super vampiress from my homeland also worshipped as a goddess?" Lakhlita inquired.

"Indeed," Dracul nodded, "she's the super vampiress Kali worshipped by your countrymen for millenia as the goddess Kali the Hindu goddess of death and destruction."

"Wow," Lakhlita responded.

"She's also the angel in the whirlwind that George Dubya Bush hinted at in his first inaugural address of January 20th, 2001," Dracul added, "although Bush Junior neglected to mention that it was a fallen angel who's in the whirlwind directing this storm."

To be continued.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell Bows Out

It was a Sunday night in Charleston the capital of West Virginia.

And US Democratic Presidential candidate Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had called a press conference.

The little known Democratic presidential candidate had formally decided to bow out of the race.

He had called his first press conference back in early 2006 in New York City with much fanfare.

Back then the representatives of all the major newspapers and major news networks had been there as the Vice-President of Vidal Sassoon Hair Products formally announced that he was seeking the US Democratic Presidential nomination.

Now as the bald bi-spectacled Heathcliff sat with his Siamese cat Oysterella on his lap and announced that he was leaving the race, only the obituary writer from the Charleston Observer newspaper and an amateur VJ from the local cable Community Channel 10's Sunday night Music Video Show were present.

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had been backed by the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set to be the next President of the United States.

Just like the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec and the Russian vampire Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been Leon Trotsky) were behind a Draft Al Gore movement for the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2008.

Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan were both supporting Illinois Senator Barack Obama.

And the ghost of Josef Stalin, the ghost of Mao Tse-tung and the ghost of Pol Pot had all formally endorsed New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton as their preferred candidate of choice.

Heathcliff had been willing to continue in the race until the Puerto Rico, South Dakota and Montana primaries on June 3rd.

But Set decided to stop financing the campaign on the advice of his Chief of Security and Intelligence and Espionage Renfield R. Renfield as well as the advice of his personal concert pianist and contract assasin Amadeus Emanon.

Renfield pointed out that Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell had no chance of winning the nomination and Set's billions would be better spent on tuna fish and mermaid sandwiches which Renfield enjoyed eating.

Amadeus Emanon used a similar argument save he had said that Set's billions would be better spent on take-out and delivery pizzas from various pizza parlours in and around London which Amadeus enjoyed eating.

So with his campaign financing gone, Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell decided to formally withdraw from the race.

Originally Heathcliff was not planning to endorse either one of his two opponents still left in the race- Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton.

That is until Heathcliff received a threatening phone call from former US President Bill Clinton just before the press conference.

"Now you listen to me, you cat-loving little pipsqueak twerp," Clinton said in his Arkansas draw, "you better not endorse Barack Obama if you know what's good for your cat's health. I know several vicious dogs I can set on your precious Oysterella."

Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell did not take kindly to being threatened.

Therefore he resolved to endorse Obama.

"Unlike certain ugly hags who have no fashion sense at all," Heathcliff Dionysus Campbell began his press conference in his Truman Capote sounding voice, "I know when to call it quits. Therefore I'm withdrawing from the race and formally endorsing Barack Obama the honourable gentleman from Illinois for the Democratic Presidential nomination this year..."

"Mr. Campbell," the Charleston Observer obituary writer called out, "what would you consider the highlight of your Presidential campaign?".

"I'd consider the highlight of my campaign giving Britney Spears a good and much needed spanking in public in Banff National Park up in Canada two years ago," Heathcliff stroked his pussy.

Oysterella purred contentedly.

"Heathcliff," the red-haired leather micro-mini skirted female disc jockey VJ from the local cable community channel Music Video Show spoke up, "would you accept the Vice-Presidential nomination from Mister Obama if it was offered to you?".

"I'd be most pleased to serve under Barack Obama," Heathcliif Dionysus Campbell adjusted the pink carnation in his suit lapel.

Qonzilqointec Hanging Around

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec about to be hanged by a silver rope

The Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec stood there courageously on the hangman's platform.

She was about to be hung by a silver rope- a hangman's rope made out of silver could kill vampires (and vampiresses!).

A French theatrical troupe touring in Mexico acting out The Hunchback of Notre Dame had been hired by New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton to track Qonzilqointec down and hang her with a hangman's rope made out of silver on their Hunchback of Notre Dame medieval Paris looking set.

Sen. Clinton was furious when she heard that Qonzilqointec was behind a plot to have Al Gore drafted as the nominee at the Democratic National Convention in August.

That was when Sen. Clinton ordered the hanging.

The hooded executioner stood behind Princess Qonzilqointec.

That was when it dawned on the Aztec vampire princess that she was never going to make it to her 700th birthday.

Suddenly shots rang out in the air and vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing came swinging down on a rope on to the platform.

As soon as the French troupe heard the shots- being French- their hands immediately rose into the air and the hooded executioner pulled a white flag out of his pocket and started waving the white flag of surrender.

"Back," Dracul held the gun on the Frenchmen with one hand and used a knife to cut loose Qonzilqointec's ropes with the other.

"Dracul," the Aztec vampire princess kissed the vampire hunter passionately on the lips.

Dracul kissed her back. And soon vampire hunter and vampire princess were making love on the hangman's platform as the French troupe ran off into the Mexican sunset. Their hands still held above their heads.

Meanwhile at a speech in West Virginia, former US President Bill Clinton told Democratic voters, "And it's a known fact that a known Barack Obama supporter Dracul Van Helsing who's supposed to be a slayer of vampires rescued the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec from certain death. This gives you some idea of the type of people who are supporting Barack Obama..."


The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec: Rescued by Dracul Van Helsing a known Barack Obama supporter.

Godzilla Mayasaki's Dream

Godzilla Mayasaki wasn't your typical Hollywood director.

For starters, he was Japanese right from Tokyo.

His father Sajiwa Mayasaki had been a big fan of Japanese monster movies which explained his eldest son's name.

Godzilla Mayasaki had been a successful maker of horror movies in Japan.

He would have probably continued to make movies in Japan if he hadn't been caught by Tokyo newspaper photographers in a compromising position over the knee of Japanese dominatrix Mitsuki Otohime.

Sony Pictures immediately cancelled his contract.

So Godzilla Mayasaki came to Hollywood and was immediately hailed by the Hollywood crowd as one of their own.

Particularly after he was photographed snorting crack cocaine with Britney Spears and driving into a Beverly Hills lamp post with Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton sitting on his lap.

This evening Godzilla Mayasaki sat fast asleep in his hot tub.

He was dreaming that he was in the Kremlin and Russian President Vladimir Putin was looking out the window of his office when President Putin suddenly shouted, "Oh merde."

Godzilla Mayasaki had heard that President Putin spoke several languages including French.

What President Putin saw he wasn't sure as Godzilla Mayasaki suddenly switched spatial and temporal dimensions in his dream.

He dreamed that he was shooting a movie with a very attractive rising young blonde starlet when suddenly the very attractive rising young blonde starlet started sprouting arms like the Hindu goddess Kali and went around strangling everyone on the set.



The Hindu Goddess Kali as a Hollywood blonde.

Patriarch Aleksei's Dream

The head of the Russian Orthodox Church Patriarch Aleksei II the Patriarch of Moscow and All Russia woke up in a sweat.

He had had a most frightening dream.

He saw a vision of the Hindu Goddess Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction rising up from her demonic abode in India and walking across the mountains of Afghanistan and then into the Middle East when she suddenly walked north and into Russia where she laid the land waste with killing and destruction.



Patriarch Aleksei II"s dream: The Hindu goddess Kali brings death and destruction to Russia.

Renfield Interrogates For Scotland Yard

Renfield the shapeshifting hamster chief of security for the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set had done some freelance interrogation work before.

Last fall he had done some interrogation on behalf of the Pakistani government to find the assasins of Benazir Bhutto.

Back in late March and early April he had done some interrogation work for the CIA down in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Now Inspector Depp of Scotland Yard had asked him to interrogate a suspect.

The man a Muslim terrorist had worked as a baggage handler at Heathrow Airport's new terminal.

So Renfield had two reasons to have a go at the man.

One, he was being paid by Scotland Yard to do so.

And two, Renfield had had his luggage lost at Heathrow Airport's new terminal last month while flying to Russia (where he had filmed a porno movie for his billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire employer Set of outgoing Russian President Vladimir Putin cavorting in various positions with his new twenty something girlfriend).

It was suspected that the Muslim terrorist suspect was going to plant bombs in the luggage he was handling.

Scotland Yard was most anxious to discover who the man's confederates were in the plot.

So far the suspect wasn't talking.

"We have only 72 hours to hold him- to either charge him or let him go," Inspector Depp explained to Renfield.

"Don't worry, I'll get him to talk," Renfield assured Inspector Depp.

Into the interrogation room Renfield went with a lunch bucket filled with his favourite sandwiches- tuna fish and mermaid-
as well as a suitcase full of his interrogation instruments.

The suspect turned pale when he saw Renfield open the suitcase full of interrogation instruments as Renfield cheerfully whistled the song Whistle While You Work.

Renfield handcuffed the suspect to the back of the chair and put the man's right leg up on the table.

He then grabbed a fairly good lumberjack's saw.

"Now I'm going to do this without the use of anesthetic so this may hurt somewhat," Renfield smiled and proceeded to start sawing off the man's leg.

The man started screaming as Renfield started to sing, "Waltzing Mathilda... Waltzing Mathilda... you'll come a Waltzing Mathilda with me...."

To be continued.

Stalin's Ghost, Captain Cobra and Father Athanasius

Hillary Rodham Clinton was in a trance again, "Comrade Josef, are you there? Comrade Josef, are you there?".

The ghost of Josef Stalin appeared to his aging feminist protege Hillary.

"I am here my daughter and most devoted disciple," the ghost of Josef Stalin said, "it is extremely hot where I am. I'm always relieved when you summon me to Earth. How can I be of assistance?".

"I want to win the Indiana and North Carolina primaries this coming Tuesday," Hillary bellowed, "what can I do?".

"Leave it in my hands," the ghost of Stalin winked.

"All right," Hillary stood up and left the room where she then went to a dinner party in which she gave a speech attacking Barack Obama for being friends with some people who were known Marxists.

The ghost of Josef Stalin looked at the calendar- May 2nd- the feast day of Saint Athanasius.

This gave Stalin an idea.

He contacted Captain Cobra- a genetically engineered hybrid creation of the East German Stasi scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen who now worked for Vladimir Putin.

Stalin's ghost asked Captain Cobra to track down a priest named Father Athanasius Ben Gurion (a Jewish convert to Catholicism and a distant relation of Israel's first Prime Minister) who was the parish priest and rector of Saint Athanasius' Catholic Church in Chicago (Chicago being an appropriate locale since it is now Barack Obama's home base).

Stalin thought it would be beneficial if Captain Cobra sacrificed Father Athanasius the rector of Saint Athanasius on the Feast of Saint Athanasius.

This sacrifice might arrange the cosmos so that his disciple Hillary would win the Indiana and North Carolina primaries next Tuesday.

On CNN News, Friday evening May 2nd 2008, "And this just in... a Roman Catholic priest in Chicago was sacrificed tonight in a bizarre satanic ritual ceremony on the altar of his own parish church...."

"In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton spent much of this evening talking about Barack Obama's former pastor Rev. Jeremiah Wright..."