The Nile Turns To Blood... Again

Bjorn Admunssen was not a Swedish citizen.

He was American.

A CIA operative in Cairo.

And this evening he was sailing down the Nile.

Not for pleasure.

But due to a strange phenomenon that had been reported only hours ago.

The waters of the Nile had turned to blood.

Like in Biblical times.

As the boat sailed down the Nile, Bjorn thought to himself, "What's causing this?".

"Bjorn Admunssen?" a voice called from behind him.

Bjorn turned and there stood the pirate Captain Cobra with his crocodile head and serpent's tongue.

"What the Hell are you?" Bjorn pulled out his gun.

"You will soon find out," Cobra knocked the gun out of Bjorn's hand and proceeded to cut open the man's stomach.

As Bjorn lay dying, Captain Cobra knelt down beside the CIA agent and whispered, "By the way did you know your President's grandfather Prescott Bush was involved in a plot to overthrow FDR in 1933 and establish a Fascist government in America? Looks like the grandson is succeeding where the grandfather failed."

Bjorn tried to speak...

"I'm not lying," Cobra smiled, "this I know for BBC Radio 4 tells me so."

Bjorn died.

"And your own Hell will be wondering what sort of government you were serving in the last years of your mortal life," Cobra pushed Bjorn's body into the Nile River.

BBC Radio 4 July 23rd, 2007 reported that Prescott Bush had been involved in a plot by powerful American businessmen to overthrow FDR and establish a Fascist government in America.

Massacre At Sea

The US Coast Guard ship Charleston pulled up aside what appeared to be an abandoned vessel- the US Coast Guard ship Penzance.

"When was the last radio call received from her?" Lt. Cahill asked.

"Less than a hour ago," the radio dispatcher replied, "the last report was she had spotted a suspicious ship and was tempting to board her. Then she reported the ship just vanished."

Lt. Cahill boarded Penzance and began searching.

To his horror in every room, he found people with their throats slashed from ear to ear and all their intestines disembowelled.

"What the Hell happened here?" Lt. Cahill asked.

The door opened suddenly and in stepped the crocodile headed serpent tongued pirate Captain Cobra with a chainsaw for a hook of an arm.

"Drop the what," Captain Cobra smiled, "Hell happened here."

And with that the Cobra captain slashed Lt. Cahill's throat.

To be continued.

Captain Cobra

Tony and Fernando had launched their small fishing boat off the coast of Maine in hopes of catching lobster.

It was a glorious day.

The catch had been fairly good.

As the sun started to set (a very golden sunset), Tony thought he saw a ship approach.

Tony rubbed his eyes.

The ship looked like ships he had seen in museums. Old pirate ships from the 18th century.

Fernando asked his partner, "Do you see what I see?".

Tony asked back, "You mean you see it too?".

Fernando nodded.

The ship approached. On its side were the words LEVIATHAN.

A crew appeared out of nowhere on the ship.

The crew looked like it had walked off the set of a Pirates of the Caribbean movie, only the costumes looked much more real and authentic.

A pirate who looked like the Creature From the Black Lagoon gazed his head at them.

"Kill them all," said the pirate Creature who was presumably the Captain.

"Who are you?" Tony managed to ask before his neck was snapped.

"Cobra," the creature's tongue moved out of its head in the shape of a snake, "Captain Cobra. And soon the whole nautical world will have heard of me."

To be continued.

Dan Brown On The Feast Day of St. Mary Magdalene

Today July 22nd is the Feast Day of St. Mary Magdalene

On this Feast Day of St. Mary Magdalene after the sun had set over his estate's large garden in London, the billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set was meeting with a huge winged Red Dragon and a rather grotesque looking winged gargoyle of a creature.

"That Red Dragon," Amadeus Emanon pointed to the creature as he ate his peanut butter and pickle sandwich while sitting on a park bench in the garden, "isn't that the same Red Dragon that the Korean vampiress Kwan Yin battled with over the Great Wall of China back on 7/7/7 when the 7 Wonders of the Modern World were being announced?".

Renfield looked up from the Penthouse magazine he was reading, "Yes, I believe it is."

"Who's that other strange creature with him?" Amadeus asked as he opened the jar of pickles and the jar of peanut butter to make another sandwich.

"That weird winged thing that looks like it could pass for Hillary Rodham Clinton's identical twin brother you mean?" Renfield queried as he started to remove the staples from the Penthouse pin-up girl.

"That's the one," Amadeus nodded.

"That's Mammon the ancient Babylonian god of Banking and Commerce," Renfield replied.

"Is he the one that Christ talked about when He said 'You cannot serve both God and Mammon'?" Amadeus asked as he bit into his second peanut butter and pickle sandwich.

"He's the very same one but I wouldn't mention Christ's Name around here if I was you," Renfield started licking the centerfold pin-up.

"What are they talking about anyways?" Amadeus asked.

The billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set, the huge winged Red Dragon and the Babylonian demon god Mammon seemed to be having a very animated conversation.

"Barclay's Bank is hoping to buy control of the Dutch banking giant ABN," Renfield replied between swallowing staples, "and in order to buy control, Barclay's is going to raise about 10 billion pounds from the Chinese and the Singaporean governments in order to do so. If the deal goes ahead, the Beijing government will hold 7% of the shares in Barclay's and Temasek the investment arm of the Singaporean government will hold a 3% share in Barclay's."

"So I take it Set, the Red Dragon and Mammon are in favour of the deal?" Amadeus licked his fingers as the peanut butter and pickle slid gently down his throat.

"Yes," Renfield screamed as he accidently got a staple stuck in his tongue.

Meanwhile Mammon vomitted forth 3 ugly and grotesque frogs while the Red Dragon watched.

"Well, his supper mustn't have agreed with him," Amadeus helped himself to another slice of bread, some pickles and some peanut butter.


* * *


Wandering through southern France, the Spanish vampire Manuel de Rivera y Vargas received a text message on his cell phone from the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

The text message read, "The Egyptian vampire Set, the Red Dragon and the Babylonian demon god Mammon are setting themselves up as the new Unholy Trinity of the world this year."

Manuel paused to look in the direction of the local village church Saint Mary Magdalene's.

Manuel could recognize Da Vinci Code book author Dan Brown climbing the steeple of the Church. As he reached the top, Brown cried out, "O sweet Magdalene, Divine Incarnation of the Goddess Sophia, on this your Feast Day celebrated by the blasphemous Roman Catholic Church, if you are not who I believe you to be, then may the True Deity hit me with a thunderbolt where now I stand."

"Lemonade, monsieur?" a little girl at a lemonade stand asked the Spanish vampire as he stood in the street watching a thunderbolt coming out of the perfectly clear night sky. It hit Mr. Brown and sent the lighteningly illuminated writer tumbling forth to the ground.

"Merci, ma petite amie," Manuel put down a Euro note and helped himself to the glass of lemonade he was offered.

"Be careful what you wish for," a Red Dragon quoted that ancient Chinese saying as he flew overhead followed by a large dirigible of Bank of England pound notes.


The statue of Saint Mary Magdalene and the Church remained unaffected by the mysterious lightening strike of Saint Mary Magdalene's Night, July 22nd, 2007

Dracul Van Helsing and The Harry Potter Book Launch

Dracul Van Helsing's photos of the Harry Potter book launch.
Hyung Grace Kwan is dressed as Cho Chang in the third pic on the right.



The Vampiress Angelique Dumont's younger sister Maria Dumont
reads an earlier Harry Potter book while in line to get her copy
of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.




Tristine dressed as a witch couldn't wait to read her copy of
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows upon buying it.




Dracul Van Helsing took this photo of actress Katie Leung who plays
Harry's love interest Cho Chang in the movie Harry Potter and the Order
of the Phoenix.

July Missile Crisis?

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown waved off questions from the British press about Moscow's tit-for-tat expulsion of 4 British diplomats in Moscow.

There were other matters that the British press and British public did not know about.

There was the continued business of MI6 agent Millo Wilson being held hostage by Russian FSB vampiress Svetlana Kireeva.

And last night the RAF had to scramble as Russian bomber jets flew over Scotland.

Why Scotland?

Because Scotland was the home of new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

Just as the serpent Imam Mahdi's Muslim terrorist scumbags were including Glasgow in their series of potential Mohammedan terrorist strikes, so was Russia's neo-Stalinist President Vladimir Putin sending potentially lethal things against Scotland as well.

Putin was playing hardball with Brown and everyone knew it.

Earlier this week, Putin had pulled out of the 1990 Conventional Forces in Europe Treaty.

So what else was Putin up to?

Earlier this evening, Cuban President Fidel Castro had received a strange communique from Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, "Where you failed, I shall succeed."

Fidel put down his reading glasses.

What did Comrade Hugo possibly mean by that?

Meanwhile in a remote location of Venezuelan jungle, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had flown in to meet a group of Russian planes.

Col. Yuri Smirnoff saluted President Chavez.

"El Presidente, your nuclear missiles," the Colonel smiled.

"We are fortunate aren't we," Chavez smiled at Col. Smirnoff, "that George W. Bush is no Jack Kennedy."

To be continued.

Hugo Chavez Turns Against The Theotokos

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was shedding tears

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was shedding tears in the living room of her air conditioned apartment in Mexico City.

Lev Tomi (aka the Russian Communist vampire Leon Trotsky) was shocked to see her in this state.

Tomi had dropped by to discuss the Aztec vampiress' plans to start a Draft Gore movement within the US Democratic Party.

Both Lev Tomi (in his capacity as UN Secretary of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and Climate Change) and Princess Qonzilqointec desired to see Al Gore as the next President of the United States.

What had upset the Princess was an e-mail she had received from the Office of Hugo Chavez the President of Venezuela.

Princess Qonzilqointec had been aware that the Venezuelan government of Hugo Chavez was going to take control of the Virgen de Coromoto Hospital in the Venezuelan city of Maracaibo this coming August 5th.

What she was unaware of until now was that President Chavez would be changing the name of the hospital from Virgen de Coromoto Hospital to Ernesto Che Guevara Hospital.

And not only that but President Chavez had ordered the removal of the venerated statue of Our Lady the Virgen de Coromoto from the front of the hospital.

The little Bolshevik Lt. Col. Hugo had ordered that it be replaced by a bust of the Marxist guerrilla fighter Che Guevara.

"But I thought you'd approve of Comrade Chavez's efforts to eliminate symbols of primitive superstition and replace it with symbols of the coming glowing Marxist New Age New World Order," Lev spoke softly.

"Get out," she threw the pot of steaming hot tea at him.

After the hot tea singed his beard, Tomi left the room with some degree of discomfort and agony.

Father Armand Vesuvian SJ who was Pope Benedict XVI's personal investigator of paranormal phenomena entered the Princess' apartment.

"So your child will be born in another few weeks your Highness?" the Jesuit priest spoke.

"Yes," the Princess nodded.

She had conceived the child back on Dia de los Muertos November 2nd in a night of passionate lovemaking with the Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing.

"And you want the child to be baptised Catholic and raised by nuns," Father Vesuvian spoke.

The princess nodded.

"And I see you're currently shedding tears over Hugo Chavez's blasphemy against Our Lady the Virgen de Coromoto who is the Patron Saint of Venezuela," Father Vesuvian noted, "and yet despite the tears you now shed for the Communist Chavez's war against the Theotokos (Mother of God), you still serve the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl plotting to have him become the head of a One World Government in 2012. Don't you know that you can't serve both Christ and Quetzalcoatl?".

"We beg to differ," said a couple of young Mormon missionaries who had just entered the room.

To be continued.



Our Lady the Virgen de Coromoto
Patron Saint of Venezuela
whom Hugo Chavez seeks to replace with the head of a serpent in human form
the Marxist terrorist Ernesto Che Guevara

Svetlana Kireeva On Saint Vladimir's Day

Photograph of Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva FSB Agent and aide to Russian President Vladimir Putin torturing British MI6 Agent Millo Wilson

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown gulped as he looked at the photograph of British MI6 Agent Millo Wilson being tortured by Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva.

PDQ NotBach the head of Section Orestes of MI6 had only received the photograph via courier today.

"I imagine now that I've expelled the 4 Russian diplomats, Agent Wilson's torture will be a lot worse," Brown frowned.

"We expect so," NotBach nodded as he listened to a rendition of Johann Sebastian Bach's Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring on his I-pod MP3 player.

"But why didn't my predecessor Tony Blair tell me that a British intelligence agent was being held hostage in the whole Alexander Litvinenko affair?" Brown opened his desk drawer and took out a dart and threw it at the dartboard with the photo of Tony Blair on his office wall.

"With all due respect, Mr. Brown," PDQ NotBach coughed in unison with the cannonfire in the rendition of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture now playing on his I-pod, "but Mr. Blair did not know about it. Heck even MI6 wasn't aware of it. If I hadn't run into Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing and South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan in a London fish and chip shop this morning, I wouldn't have known about it."

"But you say that Millo Wilson was being held captive by the Russian FSB for over a month now," Brown took a sip of his Scotch broth soup, "why didn't Clinton Williams our MI6 operative at the British Embassy in Moscow inform us of Agent Wilson being missing in the field in the first place."

"Well actually Agent Wilson didn't go missing in the field," PDQ NotBach corrected the Prime Minister as he listened to the Beatles sing I Wanna Hold Your Hand on his I-pod, "he originally went missing in the Ladies' washroom of a trendy Moscow nightclub and dance spot."

"I don't care where Agent Wilson went missing," Prime Minister Brown shit himself in exasperation, "what I want to know is why Moscow based MI6 liason officer Clinton Williams didn't report Agent Wilson missing?".

Prime Minister Brown pushed the intercom button on his desk and asked his secretary to bring him a fresh change of underwear.

As Strawberry Fields Forever played in the background on his I-pod MP3 player, PDQ NotBach answered, "Well Clinton Williams has been taking a long tea break he wrote on his last report sent us June 2nd of this year."

"He hasn't been back at his desk since June 2nd?" Gordon Brown looked shocked, "That is a long tea break." The Prime Minister downed the final sip of his month old cup of tea.

"Clinton Williams' tea break came to an end earlier today," PDQ NotBach replied as the Talking Heads sang on the i-pod Our house in the middle of our street... "after he was arrested in a morning raid in a Dublin bordello."

"Clinton Williams was arrested in a morning raid on a Dublin bordello?" Prime Minister Brown frowned.

"Yes," PDQ NotBach nodded.

"What?" Brown fumed, "Aren't our London bordellos good enough for him?".

"Apparently not," PDQ NotBach listened to Paddy O'Reilly singing... And watch the sun go down on Galway Bay... "the raid on the bordello probably never would have happened if one of the girls hadn't overcharged the Dublin police chief."

"Your fresh change of underwear, Mr. Brown," the secretary walked into the British Prime Minister's office.


* * *




As British Prime Minister Gordon Brown goes in for a fresh change of
underwear, what new tortures await British MI6 Agent Millo Wilson (youthful professor emiritus of Classics and Latin at Oxford University) at the hands of Russian vampiress Svetlana Kireeva? on this July 16th which is Harry Potter's birthday which is also Saint Vladimir's Day! (Saint Vladimir being one of the patron Saints of Russia)




Svetlana Kireeva says, "HAPPY SAINT VLADIMIR'S DAY, MR. WILSON!"

Princess Qonzilqointec on Live Earth Day 07-07-07

Princess Qonzilqointec kneels before a banner of the Aztec serpent god
Quetzalcoatl

It was July 7th, 2007. The Aztec vampire Princess Qonzilqointec was kneeling on the top of the Mayan pyramid at Chichen Itza in southeastern Mexico.

On this date 7/7/7, the pyramid at Chichen Itza had just been voted one of the 7 New Wonders of the World.

The other six selected were the Great Wall of China, the Inca city of Machu Picchu in Peru, Brazil's Statue of Christ the Redeemer, the Colosseum in Rome, the city of Petra in Jordan and the Taj Mahal in India.

Princess Qonzilqointec had received a text message from Dracul Van Helsing on her cell phone.

The text message consisted of just one sentence, "And in my opinion the 8th Wonder of the World is the Temple at Angkor Wat, Cambodia."

Qonzilqointec had to laugh.

She knew that Dracul Van Helsing the father of her child was very fond of the Temple at Angkor Wat, Cambodia.

On this date 7/7/7, she knelt in front of a banner of her spiritual father the Aztec feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl which she had placed on top of the Mayan pyramid at Chichen Itza on this special occasion.

Above the Inca city of Machu Picchu in Peru, holographic images of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and UN Environment and Climate Change Secretary Lev Tomi (really the Russian Communist vampire Leon Trotsky whom Qonzilqointec had made a vampire in 1940) were being beamed above it.

Over the Great Wall of China, a huge Red Dragon had appeared in the sky.

The Korean vampiress Kwan Yin (a distant ancestor of the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan) was sailing through the skies in a red balloon to combat the Dragon.

Over the Jordanian city of Petra, a huge image of the Lord Maitreya and a huge image of a golden serpent had appeared.

Over the Taj Mahal in India, a huge image of Kali the Hindu goddess of destruction had appeared.

Over the Colosseum in Rome, a huge image of the Emperor Caligula riding his horse (whom he had named to the Roman Senate) had appeared.

This image of Caligula was being cast by a hologram created by Renfield the evil shape-shifting hamster who was the Chief of Security and Intelligence for the London-based billionaire ancient Egyptian vampire Set.

At the same time another image- this one of Harry Potter- was also appearing over the Colosseum in Rome. Potter's image was on one side of the colosseum while Caligula's was on the other side.

The image of Harry Potter was being cast by a hologram created by Amadeus Emanon the genetically created clone who served as the billionaire vampire Set's personal concert pianist and reluctant contract assasin.

Amadeus had created the hologram to give publicity to one of his favourite literary characters Harry Potter whose 7th and final book in J.K. Rowling's series of novels would be released on July 21st, 2007.

"What?" Renfield's jaw fell open at the TV screen shot of Rome's Colosseum, "what's an image of Harry Potter doing over the same place where I'm trying to cast an image of the Emperor Caligula?".

Amadeus who was busy operating his own controls through his mobile phone chuckled softly in the background.

Over the statue of Christ the Redeemer in the Brazilian city of Rio de Janeiro, a huge holographic image of Al Gore towered above the statue of Christ saying "Heal the planet!".

Meanwhile in movie theatres all over the globe on this day 7/7/7, a mysterious film noir looking photo of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec suddenly appeared on movie screens and remained there for 7 minutes and 7 seconds.



This image of Princess Qonzilqointec appeared in movie theatres all over the globe
on this date 7/7/7.
The image lasted on the screen for 7 minutes and 7 seconds.


Meanwhile over in London, England as Dracul Van Helsing went to the refrigerator to help himself to a bottle of ginger beer, Hyung Grace Kwan saw the image of Al Gore appearing over the statue of Christ the Redeemer as she sat on the sofa watching events unfold across the globe on the television set in their hotel suite.

As Hyung adjusted the high-heeled shoe on her right foot, she thought to herself, "Dracul's really going to be ticked off over the fact that Al Gore's image is being placed above Christ's."


Hyung Grace Kwan: "Dracul's really going to be ticked off over the fact that Al Gore's image is being placed above Christ's."