Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show ON MTV

A recent news item mentioned that J.K. Rowing told
a New York City audience on her current book tour of the
U.S. that she's always visualized the character of Albus
Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwart's as being gay.

And you've probably noticed the ads at the top of Fropper
pages advertising the latest reality TV show on MTV- Searching
For Love with Tila Tequila.

Tila Tequila whose real name is Tila Nguyen is the Vietnamese-
American singer who used MySpace as a stepping stone to success
in the music world.

Now on the MTV program starring her, 16 lesbian women
and 16 straight guys are competing for her affections.

It is these two items together that I used to write the
following fictional tale:

Albus Dumbledore On Tila Tequila Show On MTV

Scene: Harry Woo close friend of Dracul Van Helsing
is working at his job at the mansion where the TV show
Searching For Love With Tila Tequila is being shot. Harry
is a go-for (gopher) on the set.

Assistant Director: Harry, what are you doing?

Harry Woo: I'm reading a Harry Potter spell book.

Assistant Director: Never mind that now. Paul one of the contestants
on the set is feeling a craving for Egg Rolls. Can you go and buy him
some? And deliver them to his dressing room?

Harry Woo: Sure.

(Harry walks down to Mrs. James' Regency Lounge Chinese Take-Out
and Delivery and picks up an order of egg rolls. He then delivers them to
Paul's dressing room)

Harry: Okay, now back to reading the Harry Potter Spell Book.

(20 minutes later, the Assistant Director of the show approaches
Harry Woo)

Assistant Director: Harry, can you go get Paul in his dressing
room?

Harry: Sure. (puts down his Harry Potter Spell Book)

(Harry knocks on Paul's dressing room door. The TV is on
but there's no answer from Paul)

Harry: Hello? (opens the door)

(No sign of Paul. The TV is on- tuned to CNN and Larry
King is on)

Larry King: The recent talk of the blogosphere this past week
has been the cavorting of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. The item which was first
mentioned at a India blogging and social networking site has since
been reposted at numerous blogging sites analyzing Venezuelan
politics, Hugo Chavez and his Bolivarian Revolution. The question is:
why are a Marxist socialist and an Aztec vampire princess working together?
What do a disciple of Marx and a High Priestess of the feathered
serpent god Quetzalcoatl possibly have in common?
To answer these questions, we have as our special guest
the Rev. Pat Robertson...

(Rev. Pat Robertson's smiling face appears on the screen)

Larry King: Rev. Robertson, a few years ago you called for the
assasination of Hugo Chavez. And a couple of years before
that, you attacked an American university for teaching a course
in Vampire Studies... in fact, you issued a strongly worded
statement saying that vampires don't exist.
So now what do you make of this claim circulating through
the blogosphere that Chavez has formed an alliance with a vampiress
... an Aztec vampire princess at that...

Rev. Robertson: Well of course there aren't any vampires...
this is probably a Halloween trick by Mr. Chavez to destabilize
Wall Street and the financial markets.

Anderson Cooper: Larry, if I may be allowed to break in
at this point...

Larry King: Please do, Coop...

Anderson Cooper: We've just been informed that a squad
of red shirted Bolivarian Marxist vampires have committed suicide
in unison by staking themselves through the heart...

Larry King: What brought this on?

Anderson Cooper: Well apparently this elite corps of Marxist
revolutionaries that President Chavez created with the help of the
fangs of the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec... Venezuela's
El Presidente invited the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's
linguistic analysis Marxist windbag Noam Chomsky to address
the revolutionary vampiric corps on the topic of Marxist linguistic
analysis. Five minutes into the lecture, the vampiric Bolivarians
bolted out of the room and impaled themselves on nearby fence posts...

Larry King: I imagine most mortals would do the same if they had to
listen to windbag Chomsky...

(Harry turns off the TV)

Harry: Paul?

(Harry goes over to the couch and finds Paul dead)

Harry: Wow! I guess I better not let these egg rolls go
to waste. (takes a bite of Mrs. James' Regency Lounge
Chinese Take-Out and Delivery Egg Rolls and then spits
it out). Well, I can now see what killed him.

(Harry runs back to his Harry Potter Spell Book)

Harry: Looks like I'm going to have to find a contestant
to replace Paul.

(Harry chants a spell and calls up Albus Dumbledore)

Assistant Director: Harry, where's Paul?

Harry: Eating those egg rolls turned him into Albus
Dumbledore.

Assistant Director: Great! Put him on.

At the end of the reality TV series, Tila Tequila makes her
big announcement...

Tila Tequila: And the winner is...

ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

Tila (goes over to the old wizard and kisses him):
Bet you didn't know I'm bisexual.

Albus Dumbledore: Bet you didn't know... I'm GAY!

Assistant Director (screaming): Harry! Harry Woo!

Harry Woo: I'll go get some more egg rolls. (leaves)

Qonzilqointec Visits Saint James' Hospital, London

Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec on Streets of London

The Aztec Vampire Princess Qonzilqointec walked down the streets of London.

And the South Korean vampire huntress Hyung Grace Kwan walked right by her.

Hyung did not stop to look at Qonzilqointec because she didn't think that vampiresses appeared in daylight.

And that is usually the case.

But of course the Kremlin's East German scientist Comrade Nicht Werhoffen had developed a special sunscreen lotion for Her Highness that made the Aztec vampire princess' skin invulnerable to the sun's rays.

Qonzilqointec entered the doors of Saint James' Hospital- a place that Hyung Grace Kwan had just left.

She asked at the desk and was directed to the room of Dracul Van Helsing.

Princess Qonzilqointec opened the door and brought in a box of chocolate Turtles for Dracul Van Helsing- his favourite.

"So you were gunned down by a beautiful woman, I understand," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"Yes, I always seem to let my guard down around beautiful women," Dracul smiled back, "in fact when we first met, you were ripping out my heart and sacrificing me to the god Quetzalcoatl."

"That's water under the bridge," she answered.

"Reminds me of something a Teddy Kennedy speechwriter might write," Dracul noted.

"Anyhow, President Chavez will not be trying to bump you off again if he knows what's good for him," Qonzilqointec noted, "but I'm here to talk about something else."

"And what would that be?" Dracul helped himself to a turtle.

"A shapeshifter," Qonzilqointec answered, "The Golden Serpent of Persia."

"The one that speaks to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad," Dracul sampled the turtle, "the one that Mr. Ahmadinejad thinks is the incarnation of the Imam Mahdi."

"Yes," the Aztec vampiress nodded, "this gold serpentine Mahdi was the one behind the attack on Benazir Ali Bhutto's convoy when she returned to Pakistan. He's also behind the recent attack on that shopping mall in the Philippine capital of Manila."

"Yes," Dracul nodded, "the serpentine Mahdi is definitely up to something."

At that moment, Dracul's cell phone rang.

"Hello?" Dracul answered it.

Qonzilqointec could hear sobbing coming over the phone.

"I can't talk now," Dracul ended the conversation, "I've got important company."

"Who was that?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"Harry Woo," Dracul replied.

"Is he sobbing over the fact that you were shot?" Qonzilqointec asked.

"No, over the fact that his car broke down on his way to pick up two free tickets to a hockey game and he missed seeing the game," Dracul answered.

"What a loser," Qonzilqointec observed.

"Just wait until he finds out that Albus Dumbledore the headmaster of Hogwarts turns out to have been fruitier than a strawberry daquiri," Dracul smiled, "then he'll really have something to bawl about. I always found Dumbledore's always calling Harry... Potter that is... into his office VERY suspicious."

"What do you mean?" Qonzilqointec asked.

Dracul pointed at the Times of London headline, J.K. ROWLING TELLS NEW YORK AUDIENCE THAT ALBUS DUMBLEDORE WAS GAY.

To be continued.

A Slap In The Face For Chavez

A Slap In The Face For Chavez
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 17th, 2007

It was Tuesday evening, October 16th, 2007 in
the Presidential Palace in Caracas, Venezuela.

And Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had
just submitted to the Venezuelan Parliament
changes to the Venezuelan Constitution that
would give the President more powers.

So in this respect, it had been a good day for
Chavez.

Another thing Chavez was rejoicing over was
the death of one of his fiercest and long-standing
critics, Roman Catholic Cardinal Rosalio Castillo
Lara, aged 85.

Chavez had just been informed that this episcopal
thorn in his side had died today (Tuesday, October
16th, 2007).

And he had further good news.

The Canadian vampire hunter Dracul Van Helsing who
had upset Chavez's plans to bring back Ernesto Che Guevara
from the dead- well Chavez had been informed that a
Venezuelan intelligence agent had gunned down
Van Helsing in front of the Westminster Parliament on
the River Thames last night (Monday evening, October 15th,
2007),


Suddenly Chavez felt a breeze in the Presidential office
as a strong powerful rustling wind blew in from outside.

The office lights went dark and then came on again.

Standing there in an exquisite black evening dress was
the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec.

"Your Highness," Chavez approached her, "how nice to see
you..."

The vampire princess raised her hand and struck Chavez firmly
across the face, "It's lucky for you that Dracul Van Helsing is
expected to live. Otherwise you wouldn't be living at this moment.
And if I ever hear about an attempt from you to kill Van Helsing again,
the Red Revolution in Latin America will be happening without you.
You'll be in a tomb."

The lights went out again.

There was another powerful breeze and the slamming of
a window.

Then lights were on.

And Chavez stood there rubbing the side of his face.

Why would Her Highness the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec
be upset about an attempt on the life of a vampire hunter?
Especially one as notorious in the vampire world as Dracul Van Helsing?

Chavez sighed.

He'd never be able to understand vampiresses.

The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest Fidel Castro

The Hugo Chavez Show with Special Guest
Fidel Castro
A chapter in a Vampire Novel
written by Christopher
aka Dracul Van Helsing
on October 15th, 2007

Yesterday Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was in
Santa Clara, Cuba visiting the mausoleum of Ernesto
Che Guevara who was killed 40 years ago this past week.

Chavez did a TV broadcast from the mausoleum for his
weekly TV show broadcast on state run Venezuelan television.

He talked to Cuban President Fidel Castro by phone on the program.

Here's part of the conversation that was not broadcast on television
for the Venezuelan viewing audience:

Castro: So Hugo, I thought you told me that you had hired
a Haitian witch doctor who could read the Haitian Book of the Dead
and he was going to raise our friend Comrade Che from the dead
as a surprise ensemble to the 40th anniversary celebration?

Chavez: Didn't Raul mention that an enemy agent poisoned
Doctor Bones Duvalier's Chicken and Ribs before the
ceremony and Duvalier dropped dead before he could bring
Che back to life?

Castro: No, my brother didn't mention it. I'll have to chew him out
next time I see him.

Chavez: Anyhow my Intelligence Services in Venezuela have sent an
agent after Doctor Duvalier's poisoner.

Castro: That's good to hear.

* * *

Scene: London, England. Dracul Van Helsing is taking a stroll
along the Thames in front of Big Ben and the Westminster
Parliament.

Dracul stopped momentarily as he received an incoming
text message on his Samsung cell phone.

It was a message from Princess Qonzilqointec the Aztec vampiress
who was wanting to know the names of machine gun-toting bikini
babes in Delhi, India.

Dracul decided not to respond to the request. The princess was probably
wanting to bump somebody off.

There was enough violence in the world as it is Dracul thought
to himself as he passed a newspaper box with a headline
that told a grisly story of three robbery suspects in Port Elizabeth,
South Africa who had been captured by cannibalistic vampires
and slow roasted over an open fire as they screamed in unison
to the melody of Beethoven's Song of Joy which was being played
by the Vampire Cannibal Symphony Orchestra at the outdoor concert
and dinner.

"Dracul," a feminine voice called out after the Canadian vampire
hunter.

Van Helsing turned around and noticed the pretty long-haired
brunette dressed in a red sweater, rusty brown skirt and spiked
red leather boots.

"Athena?" Dracul approached the woman, "Athena Guerrido?".


He approached the Venezuelan born art curator whom he had met
at an art show and exposition in New York City last autumn.

The woman pulled out a gun out of her purse and shot Dracul
point blank in the chest.

"Damn, I hate it when that happens," Dracul remarked as he
fell to the ground.

"Vengeance for the Revolution," Athena gave a clenched-fist salute.

"I never knew you were a Communist," Dracul gasped, "there aren't many
Marxists who do their Master's thesis in Art History on the English Pre-
Raphaelites."

"I can't seem to find my lipstick," Senorita Guerrido remarked
as she rummaged through her purse after putting the gun back.

"I notice you're wearing my favourite perfume," were Dracul's
last words before he lost consciousness.

To be continued.

Noble Vampire? Nobel Vampire?

It was the penthouse- the top floor of an exclusive
Manhattan apartment building.

And Lev Tomi (who in his mortal life had been the Russian
Communist Leon Trotsky) was celebrating.

As head of the UN Secretariat on the Environment and
Climate Change, he was as pleased as punch (and the
punch was flowing heavily in the apartment as was the
champagne and smoked oysters) that Al Gore
and the UN IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel on
Climate Change) had been jointly awarded the Nobel
Peace Prize.

"So are you going to Oslo to accept the prize with Mr.
Gore?" the Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec sat
with her legs crossed in a lavender evening gown
showing her nicely shaped thighs and ankles through
sheer finesse black silk nylon and tapped the spiked
stiletto heel of one of her lavender coloured shoes on the
floor.

"Well, I'd like to but I've been told that IPCC Chairman
Rajendra Pachauri who lives in Delhi will probably
be going to Oslo to accept the award on behalf of
the IPCC and will be appearing with Mr. Gore," Lev Tomi
swallowed an oyster.

"You look disappointed," Qonzilqointec smiled.

"Well, I'd like to have gone and been made a big fuss over,"
Tomi nodded, "plus I'd like to have sampled some of that
Norwegian lutefisk -that salted white fish they serve over in
Norway."

"I've been told by a friend of mine that lutefisk can be
deadly," Qonzilqointec sipped from a glass of champagne,
"In a lutefisk eating competition in Kingman, Alberta, Canada
held a few years ago, a man died after eating 97 plates of
the stuff at one sitting. He won the contest but didn't live
to enjoy the prize."

"What was the prize?" Tomi asked as he reached for an
egg roll.

"A year's supply of lutefisk," Qonzilqointec held out her glass
to receive more champagne from the catering valet.

"I doubt whether I'd be eating that much lutefisk," Tomi salted
his sushi and took a bite.

"You'll be eating none at all if you don't go to Oslo," Qonzilqointec
lifted another toothpick of smoked oyster to her lips.

"That's true," Tomi looked as sad as an Australian cricket fan
in the recent Twenty/20 Cup semi-finals.

"If you want this friend of mine who warned me about the
lutefisk," Qonzilqointec started tapping her stiletto again, "he
knows someone in Delhi who has access to machine gun-toting
bikini babes. We could see that Mr. Pachauri wouldn't be able to
make the trip."

"That might be an idea," Tomi walked over to the samovar
to pour himself a cup of tea.

As he tasted the tea, he wondered to himself why the best tasting tea
out of samovars seemed to have been served in the Czarist era?
An era he had helped put an end to.

"Lemon?" Qonzilqointec held up a lemon for Comrade Tomi's
tea just as a commercial for the latest Chrysler product appeared
on television.

To be continued.

Will Che Rise Again?

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez had just returned
from a ceremony honouring the memory of Marxist
revolutionary Ernesto Che Guevara who had been
executed in Bolivia 40 years ago today.

In the speech, Chavez had called Che an "infinite
revolutionary".

The Aztec vampire princess Qonzilqointec was dressed
in a vibrant yellow evening dress and sitting on an elegant
sofa in El Presidente's office as Chavez entered the room.

"Impressive speech," Qonzilqointec congratulated Chavez.

"Thank you," President Chavez helped himself to a glass of
tequila, "Ernesto's infinite revolutionary status may soon take
on a more literal meaning."

"What do you mean?" asked Princess Qonzilqointec as she
helped herself to a roasted frog's leg from a tin of roasted
frog legs and placed one on a cracker with a dash of caviar
and proceeded to eat.

"At this moment, I have a Haitian witch doctor, Doctor Bones Duvalier
over at Che's mausoleum in Santa Clara, Cuba where Raul my dear friend
Fidel's brother is presiding over a massive celebration honouring the great
man Che's life," Chavez declined a frog's leg when offered from the vampire
princess, "and this evening he is going to attempt to bring Che back to life
using a little known spell from the extremely rare Haitian Book of the Dead."

"I've never heard of the Haitian Book of the Dead," the Aztec princess tore
into another frog's leg with much relish (and mustard!), "and I've been
around for over half a millenium."

"It turns out the Haitian Book of the Dead is very rare," Chavez dipped
a cracker into some salsa sauce and ate, "so rare in fact, that no one
thought a copy existed. Then some brilliant Caracas librarian made a point
of checking for it on Amazon.com and sure enough they still had a copy.
It will be that copy they're using at tonight's ceremony."


- - -


At the mausoleum of Ernesto Che Guevara in Santa Clara, Cuba:

Raul Castro is inspecting the guard of honour.

At one corner of the site, Dracul Van Helsing stands wearing a fake
Fidel-looking beard and wearing a Cuban revolutionary army hat
and smoking a Cuban cigar.

Hyung Grace Kwan is dressed in the colourful white blouse and
red skirt of a Spanish dancer.

"Which one is Doctor Bones Duvalier?" Hyung asked.

"He's the one up on the honoured guests' platform eating the
plate of Canadian Swiss Chalet style Chicken and Ribs," Dracul
answered , "it's apparently his favourite entree."

"How did he get the name Bones Duvalier?" Hyung asked.

"No one is sure whether it was because he spent a lot of times in
cemeteries as a child or whether his father was an overzealous fan
of the character of Doctor McCoy on the original Star Trek," Dracul explained.

"And only he can read the inscriptions from the Haitian Book of the Dead
that has the power to bring the dead back to ife?" Hyung looked at the
face of Doctor Bones Duvalier.

"Not anymore," Dracul remarked as Doctor Bones Duvalier keeled over
face first into the sour cream of the baked potato.

"He's dead," a Cuban revolutionary guard shouted.

"How did you do that?" Hyung asked with much admiration
in her eyes.


"I was the one who prepared the Swiss Chalet Chicken and Ribs dish,"
Dracul smiled, "for the sauce I used a pinch of some South African mushrooms
that my friend Tim in Port Elizabeth sent me. Those mushrooms had been
prepared at the hotel where Tim works when it was thought that former
Deputy Vice-President Jacob Zuma would be visiting the dining room.
When Zuma didn't show up, Tim sent the specially prepared mushrooms to me
to serve for a special occasion."

"So what was good enough for the Emperor Claudius was good enough
for Duvalier," Hyung spoke with a twinkle in her eyes.